5 Questions Smart People Ask Themselves Before They Speak

“Think before you speak!” I said to my kid, Liam.

The moment that phrase came out of my mouth I immediately regretted saying it as I hated when my dad used to say it to me.

But I'm glad it happened.

Instead of nodding his head, Liam stopped me and asked an interesting question - “What should I be thinking about before I speak?”

At the time, his question caught me off guard. The only thing I could think of was something I remembered being told when I was a kid myself - "Always ask yourself if what you're going to say is true, kind, or useful."

But Liam's curiosity got me thinking if there’s more to it than that 

So many of us, myself included, run our mouths aimlessly without taking the time to think before we speak which can not only land us in trouble but hurt the people around us if we aren't careful.

I’ve been trying to better answer Liam’s question by collecting questions smart people ask themselves before they speak.

Here are five that you may find useful too.

Does this need to be said by me right now?

As our emotions rise, our communication worsens. It took me a long time to learn that. Some arguments are necessary to have in the moment, but a lot aren’t. When feeling pressed or your emotions are running high, author James Clear recommends pausing and then asking yourself if what you want to say needs to be said by you right now. 

Our instinctive response will rarely be our best response. 

Embracing the phrase “Can we talk about this when I’m thinking more clearly?” saves so much time and energy.

Is what I’m going to say actionable for the person on the receiving end?

As a startup founder and mentor at various organizations, my friend Marina Glazman. is often sought after for her advice and feedback. She told me that in giving advice, she always asks herself whether the words she’s about to share are actionable or not.

“Trust is built by taking the time to help identify the next right step the person in front of you can take,” Glazman explained. If you don’t have an answer, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with telling someone you need some space so you can give them a more thoughtful reply.

What pressures are they under that I don’t know about?

I asked Denise Smith Young, the former chief of human resources at Apple, how she approaches difficult conversations with co-workers in an empathetic manner. She offered me a string of questions that all hit on the same theme: taking a step back to think about the pressures other people may be under.

We all have things going on in our personal and professional lives that aren’t always obvious to others. Young explained that when it comes to communication, we must always assume there’s more to understand than what’s being said. Maybe the missed deadline isn’t due to incompetence — maybe their childcare collapsed during the pandemic and they’re five times busier than they used to be. 

Ask yourself what you are missing and if there could be something deeper going on that you don’t know about.

Am I adding to the panic or stress of this person, or am I being a calming influence?

When the pandemic first began, author Elizabeth Gilbert shared on Instagram about how she was desperate to get a flight from Australia back to the U.S. Initially, she typed a string of frantic messages to her friends and family — “I gotta grab the last flight outta here while I can before there’s total pandemonium and chaos!” But she realized this wasn’t the way she wanted to be speaking. So she deleted the messages and wrote the following calm words instead: “Hey, I got a flight and I’m coming home early.”

The next time you feel stressed about something, follow Gilbert's lead. Adding to the noise is a choice. The same goes for opting to be a calming influence.

What else could I learn if I just keep listening?

"Life isn’t Jeopardy — you don’t have to jump in with an answer the first chance you get." This belter of a statement is courtesy of my friend and fellow writer, Niklas Goeke.

Think about what you could learn if you simply paused and kept listening. 

When it comes to making our relationships tight, giving people space to express themselves so we can learn more about what they are thinking and feeling is always a solid strategy.

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