Difficult Conversations: Coaching and Criticisms

As an educational leader, I am providing feedback and coaching each and every day. A recent workshop with @alansparrow reminded me about the art and science of providing (and receiving) feedback that actually has an impact.

The Harvard Business Review article, Find the Coaching in Criticism (Jan.-Feb., 2014), reminds us that while feedback is crucial, it doesn’t always register. We often couch our critical feedback in language such as “Don’t take it personally” or attempt to “sandwich” our feedback with positive statements about what is going well.

Turns out – it is personal. It always is, and we are often triggered by our perception about whether the feedback is grounded in our perceptions of reality, our relationships with the person providing the feedback, and our relationship with ourselves. And, by providing too much positive context, we dilute our message and create confusion and anxiety.

There 6 ways to get better at receiving feedback. And, by understanding these, we can also get better at delivering it:

1) Know your tendencies (What are your typical emotional responses?)

2) Disentangle “what” from the “who” (Separate content of feedback from the feelings about the giver)

3) Lean in to coaching (and know when to separate from evaluation)

4) Unpack the feedback (Details matter – seek understanding)

5) Ask for one thing (My favorite! “What is one thing I am doing that is holding me back?”)

6) Engage in small experiments (Test out advice – take a test drive)

For me, evaluation and coaching are closing aligned with #edgework. And, if we are going to be in the growth zone or help others to be there, we must recognize our triggers and develop strategies to deliver feedback that is actually helpful.