I wasn't chasing success. I was running from myself.

Looking back, I know exactly why I chased success. And how it almost destroyed me.

My childhood? Chaos.

We moved constantly. Every time life felt stable, my dad would go back to prison... and everything would unravel. I went from Washington State to the deep South. New towns. New schools. New versions of me.

I longed for the "normal" white picket fence life.        

A dad, a mom, a home-cooked meal when I came home, being told that I was enough every single day just bc I existed.

Instead, I got survival.

The devil couldn't reach me, so he sent me a deeply abusive & clinically diagnosed sociopath as a father.

😑

When he went to prison for the last time, I was technically "safe." But mentally... broken.

I lived in my own personal prison for decades.        

That prison looked like a palace from the outside looking in. Straight As, Varsity Cheer & Dance & Swim, getting accepted to the top state college.

But internally, I was drowning in shame.

I remember overhearing family members telling my mom... "with everything your daughters have been through, it's amazing they're surviving at all."

By the time I was nine, I’d already internalized the belief that my life was broken. But I didn't just want to survive. I wanted to LIVE.

It became my unspoken mission to PROVE MYSELF.         

Prove I wasn’t just a victim. Prove I could be normal. Prove I was better than what happened to me. Prove that I was a person with my own story.

A person with control over my life & its outcomes. That I was not only NORMAL, but INCREDIBLE.

🏆

In college, that looked like joining a sorority and drowning my anxiety in boxed blonde hair & disordered eating.

I stopped being the weird, wounded girl. I became the fun one. The cool one. The girl who knew how to blend in.

(Alcohol played a major part in this sudden 'transformation.')

When I graduated, I swapped popularity for performance.

🏆 Success became my coping mechanism 🏆        

Work gave me structure. Metrics. A clear ladder to climb.

I said yes to everything. I earned trophies. I got big paychecks. I became indispensable to every leader I worked with.

And I loved it... until I didn’t.

Because underneath all that obsession with success was a terrified inner child. And eventually, she broke down.

😞

In the months before I burned out, I was working 60–70 hours a week. Drinking a bottle of wine in the bath just to manage the stress of the day.

No hobbies. No joy. No space to breathe.

I didn't know who I was, but I knew I didn't like the person I was becoming.        

When I finally caved under the pressure & took time off, I told myself I just needed a reset.

🧘♀️

But as I was recovering from burnout & starting my company, my dad & abuser... died.

It was like the universe telling me... "It's time to heal."

• I didn't just need to rest... I needed to reflect.
• I didn't just need a reset... I needed to recover.
• I didn't just need to be still... I needed to listen.

Burnout didn’t just take me out of work. It pulled me back into myself.        

It took burning out to ask myself what I actually wanted.

I spent years trying to earn applause. Trying to prove I was healed. Trying to earn applause.

To realize that through all of that success, I still never felt any more whole, any more worthy.

I felt farther from myself than ever before. I only knew myself as hard worker. I didn't have any hobbies outside of coping mechanisms.

All of the things the corporate ladder promised me were a lie.        

Over the last 5 years, I've been doing the work to reclaim myself.

Ayahuasca cermonies & past life regression. Sober dance retreats & burning man. Hundreds of therapy sessions. Reiki & hot yoga & crystal singing bowls. Shadow work & screaming into pillows. All of it.

And I'm slowly coming back home.

• Meditation helped me get out of shame & anxiety spirals
• Cognitive behavioral therapy helped me say the hard things out loud
• Spirituality helped me rebuild my faith & surrender control
• Parts therapy helped me heal parts of myself that were still leading from trauma
• Tarot helped me see challenging times as temporary & healing as a journey
• Psychedelics helped me realize that at the heart of the universe is love
• Somatic therapy helped me feel safe in my body
• Dream interpretation helped me understand my deepest fears
• Sobriety helped me form healthier coping mechanisms
• Homeopathic coaching helped me realize that my anxiety isn't normal

I'm still deep in the journey. But I'm starting to love myself.        

Regardless of the title I have or the money I make or the stages I speak on.

I'm learning that I'm not broken. I'm not a victim. I don't have to prove how healed I am.

I can just be.

🪷

Today?

• I work less. I live more.
• I meditate. I mess around with hobbies. I read tarot at my boyfriend’s bar.
• I leave space for joy. I leave space for me.

I’ve redefined what success looks like: impact, peace, alignment, freedom.        

And a life where my inner child feels safe enough to come out and dance again.

She doesn’t have to prove anything anymore.

And neither do I.

💜🧙♀️🔮

Thanks for reading

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