What I learned from becoming a statistic...

According to a My Vet Advisor survey, only "43% of respondents(military veterans) stayed at their first job outside of the military for 12 months." As for me, I didn't even make to to 2 months before I resigned. But if the military has taught me anything, it's to remove my ego, take a good look at any endeavor and glean the good, the bad, and improvements...and then share it with everyone else so they can learn from it too.

So, a little background helps: if you haven't read my previous articles, my family and I prayed a lot before my retirement, changed our plans completely at Gods leaning, and moved to Colorado to settle down. From that decision, all I can say is that He provided everything we've needed, and to abundance. We came in having friends here, a house we could afford, an amazing SkillBridge, a school for our daughter, a church home, and more than we could have even ask for...and as a cherry on top, I got interviewed and accepted to the very first job I seriously applied for. The job itself was evening a blessing, and everything I thought I could possibly want; full-time, hybrid, great folks to work with, interesting work, even a family friendly work-place, and literally 2 minutes from my house!

So the question is, how did I go from that, to resigning in less than 2 months? Well, if you're looking for some dramatic story about a terrible boss, toxic environment, etc, or that you won't find that here. The truth is, that the place I was at really was that good, and we parted on about a great of terms as possible. That all said, while I did everything I knew to do to find and work at my job as best I could, I think I made some easy-to-make mistakes. But I also did a few things right, and found some great insights along the way. To my fellow transitioning service members and 1st responders, I hope this will offer some wisdom. And in true military fashion, I'm putting this all in AAR(After Action Report) format!

What happened:

My thoughts and plan for post-retirement was to go back to school, apply for VA benefits, and go after my MA in counseling. I knew that I'd need to have a job post-retirement though, and would need to work some time during my terminal leave, to cover lost income between retirement and VA benefits kicking in. I needed a "cover the bills" type job. I found a job posting on LinkedIn for a trauma-informed workplace investigator and project manager for a christian, but private, law firm. This was the first time this company had created this position. I researched the company, did some background checking with friends and mentors, applied for the job, and was accepted. During the course of working there, I threw myself into learning the job, adjusting to the culture as quickly as possible, and was even given some assignments to help improve some processes. While there, I struggled with learning the new job(there wasn't any kind of "manual " to study), adjusting to law-firm culture, and trying to work on the additional job assignments I was given. I did what I'd been trained to do for the past 24 years; I tried to "suck it up" and just work...harder. Despite that, I had trouble keeping pace with my assignments, and was also struggling with managing a bunch of medical appointments and still wanting to be there for a lot of my daughters school activities. My workplace had a flexible work schedule, but adjusting to a culture where hours were actually counted was a hard adjustment for me. Over time though, between the medical appointments, trying to still be involved at home, and learning a new job I didn't "get" instinctively, I felt myself getting overwhelmed and "spiraling". When Christmas rolled around, I took some time off to recharge. But instead of recharging, I found myself getting mired in some PTSD-related thought patterns(catastrophizing, shame, anger, self-medicating), but eventually came to the conclusion that going back to work at this place just wasn't going to be healthy for me. So I talked my Commit Foundation mentor, some of my other mentors, friends, and family, talked to my wife about it, and submitted my resignation, effective 1 January; the first day of my official retirement. I simply explained my rationale to my boss of wanting to leave before they invested more time and money to train me further, offered her the option of a two-week notice or to quit immediately, and thanked her for the opportunity. She agreed with my assessment, thanked me for being thoughtful of them in my decision process, and let me know I could leave with their blessing and friendship.

WHAT WENT WELL:

1. I exercised humility and intentionally embraced my new company culture. While at the job, I knew that I needed to adjust my way of thinking and "doing business" to my new work environment; I "embraced" their culture as best I could, and accepted some very valuable lessons my boss pointed out to me. I actually picked up some great new ways to be more organized and productive, and plan on using those lessons in the future.

2. I talked it over with my family. When I started realizing this job might not be what I wanted, I let my wife know. No plans of action, but just letting her know that this may not where I want to stay; later on, when I told her that I wanted to leave, it wasn't a major surprise or upset. On that, when I did tell her I wanted to leave, I did some research to know what my next steps WOULD be, and showed her how how we can still pay bills, stay afloat, etc. We both put together a plan over the conversation on what I wanted to do, and how to do that while still taking care of day-to-day needs. Having her know whats going on, and having her support was a HUGE stress relief for me.

3. When I really was serious about leaving, I talked it over with mentors. I sought their "blessing" in my decision process. I had a serendipitous meeting with Jamie Efaw,(my The COMMIT Foundation mentor), that went over refining my values, and I got some some real clarity on my decision. I then talked it over with Royce Bervig, my mom, my uncle, and a couple others. That forced me to have answers to the practical questions they'd want answers to. Having those, I came away with their advice AND BLESSING. Just knowing they thought it was the right move made the decision a lot less stressful.

4. I didnt stay longer than I should have, and when I knew, I didn't string my boss along. I had to really confront my military thought patterns that quitting a job because it isnt a match for me, as being a failure of something to be ashamed of. Our military careers have some parallels to a marriage, in that we really DO commit to it. We sign a contract, and if we quit because it ins't "right for us", we've essentially "broken our oath". This isnt the same in the civilian world; I never signed an oath to this company, and neither of us were "commited" to eachother. In that same analogy, this was more like "dating"; we were both seeing if we were enough of a match to grow the professional relationship. But just like dating, the best thing a person can do when they know it isnt right, is to end it before the other continues to make further commitments to it. They wanted to send me to a very expensive writing course, but I didn't want to have them spend that money on me, only to leave a couple months later. I didn't "ghost them" or pretend like everything was ok on my end. When I knew, I knew, and I didn't simply let my performance slip until they fired me. This left us the option of parting on good terms.

WHAT DIDNT GO WELL.

1. I didn't plan well enough. At the time, we had used a lot of our savings on the house for things we probably could have waited on. As a result, I was looking for a job because I NEEDED it. I really believed I was making the right decision(the job was essentially a God-send), but my financial situation at the time dictated me taking a job at all. Thankfully, my mom previously has given us a substantial financial gift, but had we not had that, I might have had to stay at this job longer than I should have. I also never proactively sat down and worked out my own personal "work values" apart from what the military gave me and my Christian values. I made my job decisions based on those(which lined up), but the companies values simply didn't match up with mine, which eventually let work to feel draining to me. Had I done my COMMIT values exercise earlier, I would have know that a lot sooner.

2. I didn't talk to my family sooner. Even a month in, I started to feel the tension of being mismatched. But not wanting to "scare my family" or "let everyone down" that I'd been so excited about with this job, I kept it to myself, and let stress build. Once I told my family and my mentors, the stress of the situation largely evaporated. No one was disappointed by me quitting, and hearing from my wife that she wanted me to be happy vs. just pay the bills was a huge help.

3. I took on too much too quickly/didn't acknowledge my own limitations. When I first got there, my boss asked if I'd be willing to help out with some employee training, which I agreed to. But trying to manage that with learning a new job, and adjusting to the culture, while trying to manage all my medical appointments, being involved in my daughters school, and all the while trying to find out my next steps, it was just too much. And as stuff piled on, my stress level got worse and worse.

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. In the civilian world, work can be a lot more like dating than marriage. Be open, honest, and courageous enough to know what you want, communicate those, and be willing to walk away if it isn't working out. Quitting a job that you find out doesn't fit isn't failure.

2. Trust your instincts. If you don't like the job in the first few weeks, you may not like it. There isn't a guaranteed "next assignment two years down the road". "Sticking it out" and "embracing the suck" should be used much more sparingly. Just because you CAN stick it out doesn't mean you SHOULD. As my wise uncle pointed out to me, " Something make look great on the menu, but that doens't mean you'll like the taste once you get it." Wise advice.

3. Financially plan to have more savings. Dave Ramsey suggests 6 months of regular income. Knowing you can leave a job to find a better one can do a lot to lower your stress level.

4. Communicate with your family/loved ones/mentors. Don't make decisions in a bubble. Talk with people you trust and let them in on your concerns and run your plan by them. Having the blessing of people you trust can mean the world, and it grows your relationship with them in the process. In addition, those same people may have some insights, ideas, or even opportunities that can help drive your next decisions. On that note, big thank you to my wife, mom and uncle for their perspective and advice. And other big thanks to Jamie Efaw , Royce Bervig , Jon Macaskill, Jayme Hentig, PhD, MBA(c), and Kim Hawthorne and a couple others who did everything from having conversations about it, having a beer together, prayed over it for me, or even just sent a couple of encouraging texts back and forth. That helped a ton.

5. Take some time to really work out what drives you, starting with your values, then your priorities, and then your "immovables"(ie.. "have to have a job that has <insert thing>). Do some advance planning to get to know yourself and what you really want to do with the rest of your life. On that note, a FANTASTIC resource recently available is a book by CMSGt(ret) Mary Polanco called "Your Final Debrief"(Link here). Thats a great first step for anyone coming out of the military! Don't be afraid to say no to a job. The The COMMIT Foundation has some incredible curriculum that, I wish I'd have done earlier, but am happy I'm doing now. A great place to start is a book they gave me called "Designing your Life", by Bill Burnett and Dave Evans.

6. Dont be afraid to have conversations with inspiring people that can remind you of the value of YOU. If you've got something that you "really want to do" even if its not practical yet, or is your "big idea", talking about people who've walked that path can be really encouraging. Because when you leave a job, it's hard to not feel like a failure. On that note, BIG thanks to Mary Polanco, MSSL for our conversations!

7. Acknowledge your limitations. I wanted to pretend like I could have lots of medical appointments, mental health appointments, be there for all my family's events, and still work a full-time job that I was learning all at once like when I was 20 years old and single. But that's simply not the case any more.

8. Changing jobs can be scary and can require some planning, but done right, can be a positive decision. And hey, every decision can be valuable if you learn from them.