Add In The Inclusive Classroom
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This document provides information about ADHD and resources for teaching students with ADHD. It summarizes that approximately 9.5% of children have been diagnosed with ADHD as of 2007, representing a 22% increase over four years. From 1998 to 2009, ADHD prevalence increased to 10% in some US regions and for children living below the poverty level. The document discusses challenges students with ADHD face in school and strategies teachers can use to help these students succeed, including treating each student as an individual, understanding their perceptions, and having high expectations.
![ How parents and teachers talk tell a child how they
feel about him. [and how they feel about themselves is
reflected in how they talk]
Their statements affect his self-esteem and self-worth.
To a large extent, their language affect his destiny.
Chapter 4 Between Teacher & Child by Haim Ginott](https://image.slidesharecdn.com/addintheinclusiveclassroom-13430638538191-phpapp02-120723122337-phpapp02/85/Add-In-The-Inclusive-Classroom-32-320.jpg)
Add In The Inclusive Classroom
- 1. Presented by: Evelyn Azbell WSPEI Parent Coordinator for CESAs 9 & 12 Resources for this presentation on the web http://www.addedreality.blogspot.com http://www.facebook.com/ADDedReality
- 2. Approximately 9.5% or 5.4 million children 4-17 years of age had been diagnosed with ADHD, as of 2007, representing a 22% increase in four years. Rates may be increasing because of greater knowledge and awareness about the condition, more frequent behavioral screening of children, or unidentified factors that may be causing more ADHD over time. http://www.cdc.gov/Features/adhdresources
- 3. 1998–2009 *The percentage of children ever diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) increased from 7% to 9% from 1998–2000 through 2007–2009. *From 1998 through 2009, ADHD prevalence rose to 10% in the Midwest and South regions of the United States. http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/databriefs/db70.htm
- 4. From 1998 through 2009, ADHD prevalence increased to 10% for children with family income less than 100% of the poverty level and to 11% for those with family income between 100% and 199% of the poverty level. http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/databriefs/db70.htm
- 5. For centuries, the basic approach for all problems related to learning, behavior, and emotion was: TRY HARDER. We now recognize that problems related to learning, emotion, and behavior derive from causes far more complicated than the difference between smart and stupid, or strong and weak, or good and bad. Virtual AD/HD Conference™, 23 September 2008. http://www.addresources.com
- 6. “Teachers are expected to reach unattainable goals with inadequate tools. The miracle is that at times they accomplish this impossible task.” ~ Dr. Haim Ginott From the Preface of Teacher & Child first published in 1972
- 7. Dr. Ginott was a clinical psychologist, child therapist, parent educator, and author whose work has had a substantial impact on the way adults relate to children. He began his career as an elementary school teacher in Israel in 1947 before immigrating to the United States. There he attended Columbia University in New York City, earning a doctoral degree in clinical psychology in 1952. Ginott’s work with troubled children at the Jacksonville, Florida, Guidance Clinic helped him refine his unique combination of compassion and boundary setting. From the web site Between Parent and Child http://www.betweenparentandchild.com/index.php?s=content&p=Haim
- 8. Teachers know student’s basic needs – acceptance, respect, encouragement…. Concepts aren’t effective when problems arise. Reactions to problems determine the climate of a classroom. “Learning is always in the present tense and it is always personal.” Chapter 1 Teacher & Child by ~ Dr. Haim Ginott
- 9. Choose battles that could be avoided. Invade privacy by asking things that put student on the spot in front of peers. Use sarcasm or shaming to motivate. Do things for student that student might be able to manage more independently. Don’t acknowledge student’s perception of a situation.
- 10. Never deny or ignore a child's feelings. Only behavior is treated as unacceptable, not the child. Depersonalize negative interactions by mentioning only the problem. "I see a messy room.“ Attach rules to things, e.g., “Fellow students are not for hitting.“ Dependence breeds hostility. Let children do for themselves what they can. Adopting this approach can be a useful tool in applying the strategies we’ll be discussing.
- 11. Children need to learn to choose, but within the safety of limits. "Would you like to use the keyboard or write your work out?” Limit criticism to a specific event—don't say "never", "always", as in: "You never listen," "You always manage to spill things", etc. Refrain from using words that you would not want the child to repeat. Adapted from - https://www.facebook.com/pages/Haim-Ginott/113302512017329?ref=ts&sk=info
- 12. I have come to a frightening conclusion. I am the decisive element in the classroom. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher I possess tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated, and a child humanized or de- humanized. Between Teacher and Child
- 13. The article “I Have Always Felt Different”: The Experience of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder in Childhood reports findings from a phenomenological study of childhood ADHD as recalled by college- enrolled young adults. The study was part of a larger study designed to identify the strategies and individuals young adults remembered most helpful to them in managing their ADHD during childhood. (Shattell, Bartlett, PhD, Rowe p.49)
- 14. “In this study, the ground of the experience of ADHD was loneliness and isolation. …Against the backdrop of this struggle, the figural theme of the experience of ADHD at home was “dealing with getting along (with my parents)”; the figural themes of the experience of ADHD at school were “I missed a lot of stuff,” “I was different,” and “I learned to manage”; the figural themes in the experience of ADHD in friendships were “I was different” and “I was misunderstood.” “ (Shattell, Bartlett, PhD, Rowe p.51)
- 15. School taxed their fragile self-esteem by providing numerous situations that proved to them they were different: School was a place where they were expected to sit still, pay attention, and grasp concepts quickly, all of which were difficult for them. They realized even as young children (some talked about experiences as early as first grade) that they did not learn as easily as “regular” or “normal” kids do. (Shattell, Bartlett, PhD, Rowe p.52)
- 16. Once participants were diagnosed with ADD and began treatment, other differences became apparent. Although treatment may have improved their ability to focus in a classroom, the knowledge of having a disorder was further stigmatizing.” (Shattell, Bartlett, PhD, Rowe p.52)
- 17. Allows development of appropriate supports Helps parents and child understand the root reason for their struggles It is vital that we don’t assume the student can’t succeed at organizational tasks, paying attention, or controlling behavior.
- 18. Each year about 16% of the adult population will experience an anxiety disorder. That's about 30 million Americans. The numbers are higher for people with ADD. In any given year, –About 25% of children with ADD will also have an anxiety disorder. –Between 25% and 50% of adults with ADD will also have an anxiety disorder. Sarah D. Wright, M.S., A.C.T., “Living with ADHD: “A" is for Anxiety” 2008 AD/HD Virtual Conference
- 19. Normal anxiety comes and goes in response to real challenges involving potential loss or failure. Normal anxiety helps sharpen your attention so you can meet those challenges. Anxiety disorders involve anxiety that is more intense or lasts longer than normal anxiety, or that leads to phobias. Basically, if you worry when there's no real threat, to the point where you can't function normally, that's an anxiety disorder. Sarah D. Wright, M.S., A.C.T., “Living with ADHD: “A" is for Anxiety” 2008 AD/HD Virtual Conference
- 20. The types of anxiety disorders that show up more frequently in people with ADD than in the general population are: Social Phobia (Social Anxiety Disorder) Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) Separation Anxiety Disorder (in children) Sarah D. Wright, M.S., A.C.T., “Living with ADHD: “A" is for Anxiety” 2008 AD/HD Virtual Conference
- 21. Treat student as an individual, not as a typical this or that. Become a detective. Discover what the student responds to and what works for her, vs. what's upsetting. Have high expectations, but express them in a way that helps the student feel elevated, not pushed.
- 22. Help them identify their strengths. What are they really good at? What are his or her natural abilities or talents? Be real with expectations… What is possible for them to do or achieve? What is not possible or will be more difficult? Rory F. Stern - 7 Strategies To Help Your Child With ADHD Succeed In School
- 23. Conveys concern and caring. Addresses issue at hand not character. Avoids commands. Invites cooperation. Encourages autonomy. Accepts and acknowledges. Doesn’t label. Provides direction rather than correction. More of Dr. Ginott’s wisdom
- 24. People tend to judge others’ perceptions and statements by their own reality. A different approach: Do not deny the student’s perceptions. Do not argue with their experiences. Do not try to convince him that what he sees or hears or feels or senses is not so.
- 25. Trying to see things as the student does can deescalate emotions. No progress can be made until there is a point of agreement Agreeing on how the student perceives the situation lays a foundation for change. Understanding the cause makes it possible to figure out an acceptable way to satisfy the need driving the behavior It also makes it more likely that we can alter the student’s perception
- 26. Don't invite dependence Don't hurry to correct facts. Don't violate his privacy. Avoid clichés and preaching. Don't talk in chapters. Don't label him. Don't use reverse psychology. Don't send contradictory messages. Don't futurize. "Concerned adults serve best when with confidence they stand and wait.“ ~ Between Parent and Teenager, Haim Ginott
- 27. It is not helpful to ask a child, “What's the matter with you? Why can't you sit still? What has suddenly gotten into you?” These are unanswerable questions. Even if he knew, he could not say: “Look, I am torn by conflicting emotions. I am engulfed by irrational urges.” Paraphrased from Parent & Teenager by Dr. Haim Ginott
- 28. Use open ended questions, not questions that can be answered with yes or no. Don’t make statements disguised as questions, “You want to do well in school, don’t you?” Don’t use questions to cross examine. Questions can be positive, “You do well with the Science Class lab work. Do you think you might like doing a project for the book report?”
- 29. Don’t spend too much time discussing past events. Doing this in problematic situations often leads to blaming. Be careful about using the words “always” and “never.” If you feel the conversation is getting sidetracked try steering it back by acknowledging the other person’s feelings and relating it to the present situation. Brief Statements are remembered, lengthy explanations aren’t.
- 30. Listen with attention. Repeat the gist of the student's statement . Avoid criticism . State your views. Acknowledging experience and reflecting feelings are not tricks. They can not be used mechanically. They are helpful only within a context of concern and respect.
- 31. Never ridicule, unintentionally it can inflict lasting harm. Really listen to their thoughts. Repeat the gist of their view to indicate that you have listened and understood. Then, and only then, state your views The key to dialogue is the willingness to summarize the other person's view, before stating one's own.
- 32. How parents and teachers talk tell a child how they feel about him. [and how they feel about themselves is reflected in how they talk] Their statements affect his self-esteem and self-worth. To a large extent, their language affect his destiny. Chapter 4 Between Teacher & Child by Haim Ginott
- 33. Dependency creates hostility. Fostering dependence invites resentment. Students crave independence. The more self-capable we make them feel, the less hostile they are toward us. Be sympathetic to their problems but resist the desire to intervene too often.
- 34. We sometimes talk about students in their presence. It can create self-fulfilling prophecies. “He is a natural pessimist. Always was and always will be.” “She is a dreamer. She lives in a world of her own.” Such labeling is can be harmful. Children tend to live up or down to the expectations of the adults in their lives. “Once teachers assimilate the principle of "no labeling," they become more helpful even in difficult moments.” from Teacher & Child
- 35. Kinesthetic Learners – A kinesthetic learner is very active and will appear to be fidgety and sometimes highly active. They learn the most from doing activities and integrating information with different kinds of tasks. A hands on learner, likes to involve his or her whole body in the learning process.
- 36. Auditory Learners – Learn and retain information when they have an opportunity to hear it. They are often sensitive to tone and voice pattern, as well as not necessarily needing to make eye contact all the time. In class they will learn the most (and best) when a teacher is lecturing or merely talking out loud.
- 37. Auditory Sequencing - Confusion with number sequences, lists or lists of directions. Hearing ninety-four instead of forty-nine. Strategy - Provide written instructions as reinforcement of oral instruction. Use of visuals with lectures.
- 38. Auditory Memory - Difficulty remembering what was heard, difficulty remembering important items from a lecture. Spells poorly. Strategy - Provide written instruction to look back on. Don't penalize spelling, just correct. Provide basic outlines of what is being presented.
- 39. Visual Sequencing - Problems in using a separate answer sheet. Loses place easily. Problems with reading. Reversing or misreading numbers of letters. Reading words incorrectly. Difficulty with equations. Strategy - Read directions aloud. Provide oral instruction. Write on the overhead. Color code things written down. When writing questions on the board, change color every other question.
- 40. Visual Memory - Difficulty remembering what was seen. Reading comprehension. Difficulty with math equations. Poor recall of information. Strategy - Provide handouts that are clearly written. Provide oral instruction.
- 41. Dysgraphia - Inability to form letters correctly- students sometimes cannot read their own writing. Strategy - Oral tests, keyboarding, allow reduced standards for writing.
- 42. Visual Motor Integration - Mechanical problems in test taking. Difficulty copying from board or book. Spaces poorly. Poor written work. Unorganized. Strategy - Allow use of computer. Tape recorder for lectures. Substitute oral reports. Provide individual written outlines so there are fewer steps to process. In math or science require answers only for calculations. Use graph paper. Have "note check". Provide note- buddy. Lower standards for acceptable writing.
- 43. Auditory Discrimination - Inability to form letters correctly-students sometimes cannot read their own writing. Strategy - Written lectures to follow. Talk at a slower pace. Give one task at a time. Auditory Figure Ground - Trouble hearing sounds over background noises. Strategy - Sit student near you.
- 44. Spatial Orientation - Loses materials. Late to class. Difficulty with oral reading. Unorganized homework. Difficulty judging time. Strategy - Provide more time for assignments or shorten them. Encourage silent reading. Provide less reading material and more reading time. Provide help in organization.
- 45. Receptive Language - Appears to be "not listening". Incomplete work. Strategy - Have student repeat directions back to you for understanding. Visual Discrimination - Seeing the difference between two similar objects . Strategy - Clearly spacing words/problems on a page.
- 46. Visual Figure Ground - Trouble seeing an image within competing background. Picking one line of print from another while reading. Strategy - Using an index card or marker when reading- to blot out distraction of other words. Processing Deficits – LD Online http://www.ldonline.org
- 47. In emotional situations : Listen with Compassion. Postpone further action. Instant intervention usually makes the problem worse. Working things out is more likely when people calm down.
- 48. Ask, “What are you going to do?” Offer some choices Have student state the consequences Ask “How do you think that will work?” Let the student solve the problem (or not).
- 49. Dr. Ned Hallowell compares the ADD mind to Niagara Falls “…both wonders of gargantuan movement and energy. The trick to making use of the energy in Niagara Falls, and to doing well in life with ADD, is building a hydroelectric plant. This waterfall is an insurmountable obstacle if your goal is to paddle.”
- 50. S stands for Shame P stands for pessimism and negativity I stands for Isolation N stands for no creative, productive outlet
- 51. Shame: The older you get, the more shame you are apt to feel if your ADD is undiagnosed. You feel ashamed of what a mess your pocketbook always is in. You feel ashamed of how late you usually are, no matter how hard you try not to be. You feel ashamed that you haven’t made more of the abilities you were born with.
- 52. Pessimism and negative thinking create a roadblock that conscious intent can actually dislodge like a battering ram if properly aimed. Pessimism and negativity—which may be boulder-sized due to years of failure and frustration— block your growth at every turn. If every time you have a new idea or go to meet a new person or begin to play a game you feel, “Why bother? This won’t work out well,” you constantly reduce the chances that anything will work out well.
- 53. Isolation: Isolation is often the by-product of shame, pessimism, and negativity. It intensifies the shame and negativity, and can lead to depression, toxic anxiety, drug and alcohol abuse, and generally poor performance in all aspects of life.
- 54. No Creative, Productive Outlet: All of us do better when we are creatively and productively engaged in some activity. It doesn’t have to be overtly creative, like writing a poem or painting a portrait. Almost any activity can become a productive outlet that you feel good about. April 15, 2007 in http://www.drhallowellsblog.com/dr_hallowell/adhd/index.html
- 55. Managing time and procrastination cause problems for most of us. It can be a vicious circle.
- 56. Wear a watch Estimate time needed Have a routine Start early Make lists Know how much time you have
- 57. Are you putting it off thinking there is plenty of time? Are you avoiding the task because you don't want to do it or because you know there will be negative repercussions? Are you doing something else instead? Are you telling yourself you will do it later, when there is plenty of time to do it now? Catalytic Coaching www.sandymaynard.com
- 58. Are you saying, "It's no big deal, I'll do it later?" Use the one minute rule. Are you waiting until the last minute so the adrenaline will kick in? Use reasonable internal, not external deadlines. Are you procrastinating because you have a strong negative feeling for the task? You can (pick one): #1. avoid the feeling and the task #2. cling to the feeling and be miserable doing the task #3. accept the feeling and get on with things Catalytic Coaching www.sandymaynard.com
- 59. Do you know you are avoiding a task because there will be negative repercussions? Ask yourself, "What's the worst that can happen?" Be prepared for the worst and it won't seem so bad. Are you not engaged in a task and being productive with your time because you have physical tension? Exercise, go for a short walk, do yoga or just plain stretch. Do you put the task off because it makes you feel anxious? Meditate, do breathing exercises or get aerobic exercise regularly.
- 60. Define objectives. Set realistic expectations. Be flexible. Use perfectionism to your advantage. Realize you can't be perfect all the time. Recognize that no one expects you to be perfect all the time. Catalytic Coaching www.sandymaynard.com
- 61. Identify the value, worth, importance and urgency of the task. Work on what is more important/urgent first. Ask, "What is the best use of my time right now?" "Am I doing the right thing?" & "Am I doing things right?" Avoid crisis management and shifting priorities. Improve decision making skills. Catalytic Coaching www.sandymaynard.com
- 62. Stay motivated. Be positive. Monitor self talk. Visualize results. Take good care of yourself. Eat well. Sleep well. Exercise. Attend to personal needs.
- 63. •Self concept is the perception we have of ourselves. It’s the foundation of behavior. •Sharing control shows respect for the other person and sometimes eliminates power struggles. •What we perceive others think of us has great influence on self - concept. •Nonverbal parts of interaction have greater affect than the words spoken. “Getting Special Needs Kids Ready for the Real World; Special Education from a Love and Logic Perspective,” David Funk
- 64. Appreciate specific acts. Do not evaluate character traits. Avoid praise that attaches adjectives to a child's character. Praise describes a child's efforts and accomplishments and our feelings about them. The cardinal rule in praising is describe without evaluating- report don't judge. from Notes on Dr.Haim Ginott’s book Teacher & Child by Steve Hein at http://eqi.org/ginott.htm
- 65. Attitudes Toward Anger How to Be Angry Sudden Anger Anger Without Insult The Process of Change
- 66. • Dislike it in ourselves • Don’t allow it in our kids • Mistrust it • Deny it It is futile to address angry feelings with reasoning, explaining, denying, threatening, or moralizing. Angry feelings do not vanish when banished.
- 67. To deal with times of stress, we should acknowledge these truths: • Accept the fact that sometimes students will make us uncomfortable, annoyed, irritated, even angry. • We can express our feelings but we never insult their personalities and character. • There are ways to deal with our anger. The first step is to describe clearly how it affects us, adding nothing else. Based on Chapter 6 of “Between Parent & Teenager” by Dr. Haim G. Ginott
- 68. If we are pushed beyond the brink of our endurance. If anger flares up suddenly: • Describe what you see. • Describe what you feel. • Describe what needs to be done. • Do not attack the person.
- 69. • Difficult • Goes against natural inclination • Necessary to learn a new way of venting without damaging • When we succeed we feel better and we model for our kids behavior that will teach them better ways to express their frustration
- 70. • Parents should be their children's advocates. • They should not condone misbehavior • In the most difficult situations they should try to see the extenuating circumstances and to provide aid and hope.
- 71. 1. By reasoning. 2. By clichés. 3. By “take me for instance. ” 4. By minimizing the situation. 5. By “the trouble with you. ” 6. By self-pity 7. By a “Pollyanna” approach. Between Parent & Teenage by Dr. Haim Ginott
- 72. Adults usually react to children’s statements in one of two ways: they either approve or disapprove. Yet the most helpful response to children is often nonjudgmental. • Not praise or criticism • Identifies feelings • Recognizes wishes • Acknowledges opinions
- 73. Consistent contact helps the adults be more comfortable with each other Problems can be addressed sooner and usually are more likely to have a successful resolution The student’s needs will be better met Communication between home and school helps with setting reasonable goals A steady dialogue lessens the chance for misunderstandings
- 74. As adults our responsibility is to set standards and demonstrate values. Our teenagers need to know what we respect and what we expect. Of course, they will oppose our standards, resist our rules, and test our limits. This is as it should be. No one can mature by blindly obeying their parents. Our teenagers' resentment of the rules is anticipated and tolerated. They are not expected to like our prohibitions. There is a crucial difference between the old way of imposing restrictions and the new way of setting limits. In the past the teenager's feelings were often ignored. The restrictions were set amidst anger and argument and in a language that invited resistance. In the modern approach, limits are set in a manner that preserves our teenager's self-respect. The limits are neither arbitrary nor capricious. They are anchored in values and aimed at character-building. From Chapter 9 of “Between Parent & Teenager” by Dr. Haim G. Ginott
- 75. Life is an endless series of small events, periodic conflicts, and sudden crises which call for a response. The response is not without consequence: it affects peace and personality for better or for worse. Our children's characters are shaped by experience with people and situations. They learn what they live, and become what they experiences. To them, our mood is the message, the style is the substance, the process is the product. Adapted From Chapter 12 of “Between Parent & Teenager” by Dr. Haim G. Ginott View video of Hugh Downs interview with Dr. Ginott at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4vgna4lj50&feature=channel&list=UL
- 77. Hallowell, M.D., Edward. “Finding the Buried Treasure in ADHD”. Virtual AD/HD Conference™, 24 September 2008. http://www.addresources.com Shattell, PhD, RN, Mona M., Robin Bartlett, PhD, RN, BC, Tracie Rowe, RN, BSN “I Have Always Felt Different”: The Experience of Attention- Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder in Childhood.” Journal of Pediatric Nursing, Vol 23, No 1 (February), 2008 Stern PsyD, Rory. “7 Strategies to Help Your Child with ADHD Succeed in School.” Virtual AD/HD Conference™, Conference Extras. http://www.addresources.com Wright, M.S., A.C.T., Sarah D. “Living with ADHD: “A‟ is for Anxiety”. Virtual AD/HD Conference™, 24 September 2008. http://www.addresources.com
- 78. Ginott, Haim G. Teacher & Child. New York: Macmillan, 1972. Print. Ginott, Haim G. Between Parent and Teenager. New York: Macmillan, 1969. Print. Funk, David. Getting Special Needs Kids Ready for the Real World; Special Education from a Love and Logic Perspective. Love and Logic Press, 2005. Print. Between Parent and Child. Web. 09 Apr. 2011. <http://www.betweenparentandchild.com/index.ph p?s=front>. Notes from Haim Ginott's Books. Web. 03 Jan 2012. <http://http://eqi.org/ginott.htm>.
Editor's Notes
- #7: He goes on to say that schools cannot survive on miracles and that every teachers deserves good tools and support. His book is his effort to “translate therapeutic concepts into specific educational concepts.”
- #18: The support participants experienced from parents helped balance some of the negative effects of ADHD, such as poor academic performance and low self-esteem When teachers took extra time to help participants with their schoolwork, participants felt more a part of school and less different. Participants said that those teachers who spent extra time and really cared about them decreased their feelings of difference and isolation, and many times, this led to improved academic performance. This was conveyed in the following participant's recollection: “In third grade, it was absolutely wonderful…the teacher, she t took time for me—no one had really done that before. So I would do anything I possibly could because she showed [me] that ‘you're important, you matter.’” (Shattell, Bartlett, PhD, Rowe p.53THE EXPERIENCE OF ADHD IN CHILDHOODKids feel differences and internalize a lot of their worries about that.
- #26: Share conversation that took place after presenting to Ashland staff.
- #35: Dr. Edward M. Hallowell, practicing child and adult psychiatrist, approaches ADD as a gift that is often difficult to unwrap rather than a disorder. One of the most common causes of frustration, underachievement, and unhappiness in adulthood are bad experiences in childhood due to a lack of understanding of what kind of mind the child has and how to manage it best. Supports, accommodations and modifications are tools to manage different learning styles but they’re just a start.Dr. Edward M. Hallowell, practicing child and adult psychiatrist, approaches ADD as a gift that is often difficult to unwrap rather than a disorder. One of the most common causes of frustration, underachievement, and unhappiness in adulthood are bad experiences in childhood due to a lack of understanding of what kind of mind the child has and how to manage it best. Supports, accommodations and modifications are tools to manage different learning styles but they’re just a start.
- #36: Focusing on a student’s learning style sets the stage for them to be more autonomous.
- #52: You may feel the only way you can be accepted is by putting on a mask, and that the real you is fundamentally flawed. Such shame is toxic. It is also traumatic. It raises your stress hormone levels and eventually corrodes your memory and executive functions. While your fifth grade school teacher may have planted the roots of that shame, you are now the one who intensifies it. You imagine harsh judges everywhere, as if the world were swarming with strict fifth grade school teachers. You project the harsh judgments you are making of yourself out onto everyone you meet. Soon the world becomes like a huge set of judgmental eyes, looming down on you, and your only option is to hide. - Dr. Hallowell
- #53: You can control what you think, to a certain degree. You need to work on dismantling your pessimism. Dr. Hallowell recommends the book :The Art of Living, by the Roman philosopher Epictetus, as translated and put into a modern idiom by Sharon Lebell. He says, “One reason I like to recommend it to people who have ADD is that it is short—under 100 pages. Another reason is that it has stood the test of time, and then some. “ You can read more about his thoughts on this in the handout of the article from his blog.
- #55: Once you find a creative outlet, or several, you will be much more able to hook your waterfall up to a hydroelectric plant. Don’t say you can’t find it. That’s negativity speaking.
- #66: The English language has a rich supply of expressions to give vent to all nuances of anger: We can be uncomfortable, displeased, annoyed, irritated, frustrated, aggravated, dismayed, exasperated, provoked, chagrined, indignant, aghast, angry, mad, enraged, and furious. Anger colors our vision: We turn white with anger, and purple with rage. We see red. We cannot see straight. We go blind. We are livid with anger. Our eyes spit fire. Anger affects our whole bodies. We flush, we frown, we clench our fists. Our nostrils quiver, our ears tingle, and our blood boils. Our whole body shakes. We have a “conniption fit.” When angry, we become unlike ourselves: We fume, we smolder, we sizzle, we stew, we boil over, we flare up, we explode. We blow our top. We blow our stack. We fly off the handle. We hit the ceiling, and raise the roof. We breathe fire and fury. We rave and rant. We are full of consternation and we feel acrimonious.
- #67: Among the paradoxes of everyday life none is more surprising than our attitude toward anger. We have such a rich anger vocabulary. Yet we have such mixed feelings about anger. We cultivate it and celebrate it even as we mistrust it. We often dislike it in ourselves and disallow it in our children. It is futile to address angry feelings with reasoning, explaining, denying, threatening, or moralizing. Angry feelings do not vanish when banished. Strong emotions, like turbulent rivers, cannot be reasoned with, or talked out of existence. Their force must be recognized and respected, and their fury diverted and channeled. To do otherwise is to court disaster.
- #68: Turning Anger into Action Our anger has a purpose; it shows our concern. Failure to get angry at certain moments indicates indifference, not love. Those who love cannot avoid anger. This does not mean that our teenagers can withstand torrents of rage and floods of violence. It does mean that they can benefit from anger which says: “Enough is enough. There are limits to my tolerance.” It is best not to be too patient with our teenagers. Instead of trying to hide our irritation, we can express it effectively. How to be Angry Instead of trying to suppress anger altogether, parents can express it in nondestructive ways. This expression should bring some relief to the parents, some insight to the teenager, and no harmful aftereffects to either of them. In expressing anger, we consciously need to avoid creating waves of resentment and revenge. We want to get our point across, and then let the storm subside. To deal with times of stress, we should acknowledge these truths: We accept the fact that in the natural course of events teenagers will make us uncomfortable, annoyed, irritated, even angry. We are entitled to express our feelings, with one limitation. No matter how angry we are, we do not insult teenagers' personalities and character. There are certain concrete ways to deal with our anger. The first step in any annoying situation is to describe clearly how it affects us, adding nothing else.
- #69: What if we are pushed beyond the brink of our endurance? What if our anger flares up suddenly and we are all-fired-up and ready to pounce. At such times: Describe what you see. Describe what you feel. Described what needs to be done. Do not attack the person.
- #70: Anger without Insult To express anger without insult is not easy. It goes against natural inclinations and ingrained habits. But we must learn a new language that will enable us to give vent to anger without damaging those we love. Parents who have mastered the new language have gained greater control over themselves. They feel capable of expressing their angry emotion effectively and helpfully.
- #71: When a teenager is in trouble, there are many adults willing to prosecute him. It is only fair that our child not be left without a defense attorney. And who but the parent is more capable of being the child's advocate? Many parents act as though they were their teenager's prosecutor. In any dispute they come to the defense of a stranger rather than their own son or daughter. They provide explanations and excuses for the discourtesy of a driver, the teasing of a teachers, the rudeness of a waiter, the insult of a classmate, the nagging of a neighbor, and the brutality of a bully. Some parents refuse to stand by their teenagers in their entanglements with the world out of fear of making them soft. They resist their natural inclination to help them because they believe they will be better prepared for life in “The School of Hard Knocks.” This false belief has estranged many parents from their teenagers. Parents are their children's advocates. Like attorneys they operate within the law. They do not condone misbehavior, or sanction misconduct. Lawyers do not encourage crime. They do not compliment a safe-cracker on his skill or a con artist on her cunning. However, regardless of the offense they defend the accused. In the most difficult situations they try to see the extenuating circumstances and to provide aid and hope.
- #72: By reasoning. “What did you expect? To get the first job you wanted? Life is not like that. You may have to go to five or even ten interviews before you are hired.” By clichés. “ Rome was not built in one day, you know. You are still very young, and your whole life is in front of you. So, chin up. Smile and the world will smile with you. Cry and you will cry alone. I hope it will teach you not to count you chickens before they are hatched.” By “take me for instance. ” “When I was your age I went looking for my first job. I shined my shoes, got a hair cut, put on clean clothes, and carried the Wall Street Journal with me. I know how to make a good impression.” By minimizing the situation. “I don't see why you should feel so depressed. There is really no good reason for you to be so discouraged. Big deal! One job did not work out. It's not worth even talking about. By “the trouble with you. ” “The trouble with you is that you don't know how to talk with people. You always put your foot in your moth. You lack poise and you are fidgety. You are too eager, and not patient enough. Besides, you are thin-skinned and easily hurt.” By self-pity . “I am so sorry dear, I don't know what to tell you. My heart breaks. Life is so much a matter of luck. Other people have all the luck. They know the right people in the right places. We don't know anyone. By a “Pollyanna” approach. “Everything happens for the best. If you miss one bus there will soon be another, perhaps a less crowded one. If you didn't get one job, you'll get another – perhaps even a better one.” Parents can learn to avoid such hazards to effective communication. They can learn to listen attentively and respond simply and sympathetically.
- #75: Our Responsibility: Setting Standards and Upholding Limits while Respecting Feelings As adults our responsibility is to set standards and demonstrate values. Our teenagers need to know what we respect and what we expect. Of course, they will oppose our standards, resist our rules, and test our limits. This is as it should be. No one can mature by blindly obeying their parents. Our teenagers' resentment of the rules is anticipated and tolerated. They are not expected to like our prohibitions. There is a crucial difference between the old way of imposing restrictions and the new way of setting limits. In the past the teenager's feelings were often ignored. The restrictions were set amidst anger and argument and in a language that invited resistance. In the modern approach, limits are set in a manner that preserves our teenager's self-respect. The limits are neither arbitrary nor capricious. They are anchored in values and aimed at character-building. The distinction between feelings and acts is the cornerstone of the new approach to teenagers. We are permissive when dealing with feelings and wishes. We are strict when dealing with unacceptable behavior. We respect our teenagers' opinions and attitudes, we do not belittle their dreams and desires, but we reserve the right to stop or redirect some of their acts. As adults we are not our teenagers' pals or playmates. We are their friendly guardians, concerned enough and strong enough to endure their temporary animosity when we must uphold standards and values that protect them and society.
- #76: We want our teenagers to be human beings with compassion, commitment, and courage, people whose lives are guided by a core of strength and a code of fairness. To achieve these humane goals, we need humane methods. Love is not enough. Insight is insufficient. Good parents need skill. How to attain and use such skill is the main theme of Between Parent and Teenager . I hope that this book will help parents and teenagers translate desired ideals into daily practices.