Assertiveness

Program Objectives Understand the philosophy of being assertive. Recognize the differences between being assertive and aggressive through exploration of personal reactions to given situations. Participate in role-playing exercises to practice the tenets of being assertive. Instill in participants the courage to be assertive -- in the most appropriate and effective way.

A Challenge Please write a One Sentence Definition of A S S E R T I V E N E S S.

Definition of Assertiveness An honest, direct, and appropriate expression of one's feelings, thoughts, and beliefs.

Test Your Assertiveness (1 of 3) Can you express negative feelings about other people and their behaviors without using abusive language? Are you able to exercise and express your strengths? Can you easily recognize and compliment other people’s achievements?

Test Your Assertiveness (2 of 3) Do you have the confidence to ask for what is rightfully yours? Can you accept criticism without being defensive? Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments? Are you able to stand up for your rights?

Test Your Assertiveness (3 of 3) Are you able to refuse unreasonable requests from friends, family, or co-workers? Can you comfortably start and carry on a conversation with others? Do you ask for assistance when you need it ? A “yes” response to the questions indicates an assertive approach.

Why Assertiveness Is Important? Effective communication brings about the achievement of individual and/or shared goals. Assertiveness increases your ability to reach these goals while maintaining your rights and dignity.

The Myths About Assertiveness Other people’s feelings and rights are more important than yours. You are not important enough to express your feelings and rights. You will offend other people by being assertive.

Assertive Rights You have the right to be assertive. You have the right to request that others change their behavior if they are infringing on your rights. You have the right to use your own time to answer questions. You have the right to express your needs even if they are illogical. Be aware that there are responsibilities attached to all these rights!

Remember You do not live in isolation. Your actions impact everyone. You are in control of your behavior. Your response to a situation must be guided by ascertaining your rights and responsibilities and following through.

What’s Keeping You From Being Assertive? Fear of change. Refusal to admit their submissiveness. Fear of ruining relationships if you speak your mind. Lack confidence in your ability.

Have You Ever Felt… … guilty about saying “no”? … that others regard you as a pushover? … that it’s better to be well liked than well respected? … that outbursts of anger are appropriate? … that intimidation is the only way you can get what you want?

Sound Familiar? If any of these things sound like you, it means you are probably exhibiting non-assertive behavior. Realize that you are not alone. Non- assertive behavior is very common in the workplace.

A Caution While assertiveness is a key factor in enhancing quality of work life, group dynamics, and interpersonal climate, it is not always appropriate. Q : How can you tell? A : Tailor your response to the situation.

Wise Words Ask yourself: 1. How important is being assertive in this particular situation? 2. What will you think of yourself if you are not assertive now? 3. What are the consequences of assertive behavior? 4. Do the costs of this behavior outweigh the benefits?

What Assertiveness Is Respect for yourself and others. Honestly expressing your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Effectively influencing, listening, and negotiating with others.

What Assertiveness Is Not It is important to remember that assertiveness is not aggressiveness or selfishness. Being assertive does not involve humiliating or abusing other people and their rights. Being assertive does not mean violating the rights of others or gaining at the expense of some one else’s loss.

Aggressiveness Is Inappropriately expressing your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a way that violates other people’s rights. Achieving your goal by not allowing others the freedom to choose. Completely disrespecting others whether it be in an active or passive method.

Are You Aggressive? (1 of 2) Do you become abusive, whether it be verbal or physical, when criticizing others? Do you purposely make others feel like they are incompetent or unimportant? Do you make unreasonable demands of other people? A “yes” answer to any of the questions may indicate aggressive behavior.

Are You Aggressive? (2 of 2) Do you brag or exaggerate your achievements? Do you ignore the rights and feelings of other people? Do you aim to get your way at all costs? Do you often dominate conversations with others?

Acting Unassertiveness Is Acting in an indirect or passive manner. Permitting others to take advantage of you by violating your rights. Thinking that you and your needs are inferior to others and their needs.

Are You Unassertive? (1 of 2) Do you feel guilty standing up for your fights or expressing your feelings? Are you unable to recognize and acknowledge your strengths? Are you uncomfortable with starting or carrying on a conversation? Do you rarely stand up for yourself?

Are You Unassertive? (2 of 2) Do you have trouble saying “no” to people? Are you unable to ask other people to perform reasonable requests for you? Do you feel that you let other people take advantage of you? A “yes” answer to any of the questions may indicate unassertive behavior.

Assertiveness vs. Authority If you use effective communication skills, assertiveness and self confidence, most situations may be resolved. However, using your authority is legitimate as a secondary option. Should you “ pull rank ”?

More Words to the Wise Don’t use these cautions as an excuse to perpetuate unassertive behavior. More often than not, assertiveness is appropriate to the situation and you should not hesitate in applying it.

Joan is at a meeting where the topic is the profitability of the project she’s been working on for three months straight. She has not said a word in the past hour. Suddenly she jumps up and accuses the boss of deliberately canceling the project based on personal dislike. What Would You Say?

The copier has been broken for two days. Sam asked the secretary to call in for repairs several times with no effect. He says nothing and ends up calling it in himself. After all, he thinks, she’s probably too busy typing up that memo he gave her this morning. What Would You Say?

Bob is in line at the deli counter waiting to be served. His number is about to be called next. Suddenly, a woman steps in front of him and places her order. Bob vociferously complains about the deli worker and the woman, exclaims he will never shop there again, tosses his ticket, and stalks off. What Would You Say?

Judy’s boss asks her to go on an important business trip which will carry over into the weekend of her sister’s wedding. Judy feels she can’t refuse her boss and plans on sending her spouse to the wedding in her place. What Would You Say?

What Would You Say? George is next in line to buy tickets in a crowded movie theatre lobby. Just as his turn comes up, a man cuts in front of him and requests tickets. George meekly steps back to allow the man room and hopes he gets waited on next.

What Did You Say? Q: Do you think that these were appropriate and effective ways to handle the situations? A: The answer is probably “no.” Reactions like these usually cause more problems than they solve.

A Passive Person Passive people usually : Speak softly and hesitantly. Use fillers like “uh” and “um.” Avoid eye contact. Allow other people in their personal space.

Should I Use Force? Passiveness is clearly not conducive to ascertaining your personal rights, but you don’t need to go to the other extreme to be assertive. You don’t have to be forceful to be assertive. Soft-spoken people can be assertive too! There is no one way to be assertive correctly, but there are things to avoid.

An Aggressive Person Raise their voices when they lose control. Shout and use accusatory language like “You should ” and “You must .” Stare people down and may invade other people’s personal space physically. Infringes on others’ rights, using fear and intimidation to get what he or she wants. Aggressive people often :

An Assertive Person Assertive people usually: Asserts his or her own rights in a positive, open, honest, and self-confident manner. Speak calmly and confidently. Notify other people of their feelings with statements starting with “I think” and “I feel.” Maintain eye contact, have good posture and are poised and in control.

Several Tips Be cognizant of your expression. Do not act hastily or in anger. Remain calm, cool, courteous & collected. Avoid making mountains out of molehills. Following these simple suggestions will present you as someone who is confident & optimistic -- as opposed to someone who is hostile and angry.

Six Personality Types Dreamers. Whiners. Mutes. Hamsters. Invisible Beings. Pit-bulls.

Hamsters Do good work, get respect, BUT get nowhere when it comes to career advancement. Where do all their efforts go? They may be assertive for the organization they work for, but fall short when it comes to standing up for themselves.

Invisible Beings They do good work BUT nobody knows it. Their unassertiveness lets others take credit for their achievements and that leaves them out of the limelight.

Pit-bulls Their overly aggressive behavior gets in the way of their success at work. They may be good workers, but the disruption and tension they create makes them disliked and puts them on the defensive.

Dreamers Day-dreaming shows a lack of self control that keeps them from advancing. Work that they eventually turn in is acceptable. This lack of focus may indicate low self-esteem.

Whiners They constantly complain about exactly what they don’t like, yet expect others to speak up and change the situation. They do nothing to affect the change themselves, no matter how much taking decisive actions would help remedy their complaints.

Mutes They have a problem saying “no” and, for that matter, much of anything at all. They take everything that’s given, whether they like it or not, and their passivity makes them over-worked and stressed.

Nine Types Of Assertive Response Disagree in both a passive and active manner depending on the situation. Let other people understand more about you – let them share your thoughts and experiences. Always ask for answers when you have questions regarding any issues even when it is with a person of authority.

Nine Types Of Assertive Response Be reasonable when you are in a discussion with others without letting them dominate the interaction. Always look directly into the eyes of the person you are talking to. Say “no” to any requests you are uncomfortable with or feel is unreasonable.

Nine Types Of Assertive Response Accept compliments graciously without feeling embarrassed or the need to depreciate yourself. Insist on being treated fairly and justly – never let others take advantage of you. Be friendly and sincere with the people you would like to know better; give them a chance to get to know you.

Are You Assertive at the Workplace? Then you do your job well while maintaining your rights and fulfilling your responsibilities. Don’t worry if you don’t fit into this category yet … There’s still hope!

Developing to Your Full Assertive Potential Inside everyone, there’s an assertive person trying to get out. What’s keeping you back?

Relax ! By controlling tension you will also control the possibilities of outbursts and unnecessary or unproductive anger.

Relaxing Techniques Remember to keep on breathing ! Inhale, count to 10, exhale, repeat ... Tried and true methods are best …

Heading Tension Off At The Pass Finding appropriate ways to deal with : Conflicts Grievances

What To Do When Confronted With a Problem Controlling your emotions is the first step to helping solve , rather than magnify, this problem assertively. Get a Grip

What To Do When Confronted With a Problem Examine the situation carefully and make sure you have a handle on all the facts . Look to see if you are in fact also contributing to the situation. Reach for Logic

What To Do When Confronted With a Problem Don’t Keep a Lid On It Procrastination will only make it worse . Pent-up frustrations could lead to unwanted explosions that may be more problematic than the original situation.

What To Do When Confronted With a Problem Don’t Take It So Hard Remember to keep perspective when things get sticky, and don’t take things personally. It will only increase your emotional involvement and hamper your ability to resolve the situation.

In Dealing With Conflicts Deal with the situation immediately. Listen carefully. Sort out the facts from the emotional content. Avoid being defensive.

In Dealing With Conflicts Ask questions. Compliment the individual/group for having the courage to bring this to your attention. Respond calmly and clearly. Offer alternatives.

If You Have A Grievance Deal with the situation immediately. Be prepared to listen. Avoid being emotional. Avoid putting the other person on the defensive. Be prepared and know the facts. Remain calm. Have the courage to be assertive.

Who’s Afraid Of... The only thing someone should fear is missing opportunities by continuing to worry and feed passive attitudes.

Making the First Move Overcoming the Fear of Being Assertive : Concentrate. Remember who you’re with and tailor your discussion. Be tactful and honest. Make eye contact.

Interpersonal Skills at Work Avoid misunderstanding which can lead to frustration. Being assertive means being open and direct. Are your requests reasonable? Are you sure you know what you want from other people? Are your requests easy to understand?

Keys to More Power! Increased assertiveness leads to increased powerful verbal communication. The Keys to Communication : Verbal Non-verbal Written

Verbal Communication Avoid fillers like “uh” and “um” and diminutives like “little,” “only” and “just.” Don’t use “I’m sorry” if you’re not sincere or if the situation doesn’t call for it. Always keep in mind your tone and volume, and how think about how they may be perceived by others.

Non-Verbal Communication Be aware of gestures and body language. Make sure to allow for comfortable personal space between you and the person you’re communicating with. Always maintain good posture.

Written Communication Be concise and clear. Use the active voice when writing, and remember to be inclusive and aware of your audience. Use specific and simple language.

Communication is a Goal Other Aspects of Good Communication: Listening well. Controlling your emotions. Letting people know how you feel. Making assertive statements.

Tips on Listening Well Paraphrase what the speaker has said. Maintain eye contact and verbally encourage the speaker. Ask informative and clarifying questions. Being an Active Listener :

Controlling Your Emotions (1 of 2) 1. Breathe, relax, and remain calm. 2. Realize demonstrations of anger, shouting, and threats are never appropriate. 3. Use neutral, non-judgmental statements.

Controlling Your Emotions (2 of 2) 4. Consider the other party’s viewpoint and emotions. 5. Don’t make accusatory statements-- blame is usually a dead-end road. 6. Check yourself before you say something you’ll regret later on.

Four Steps To Saying “No” (1 of 2) Listen to the request - Make sure you understand the request completely before coming to a hasty conclusion. Ask questions if you need any clarification. Say no immediately - You do not need to justify your decision. If you start doing so, you will be prolonging the conversation unnecessarily.

Four Steps To Saying “No” (2 of 2) Give a reason for your refusal – Without giving a reason, you may come off as uncooperative or hostile. A clear and honest reason will be sufficient, you do not need to argue with the other party. Offer to find an alternative – Let the other party know that you will try to help them but you are unable to perform the entire request.

Use “I” Statements (1 of 4) Three Parts : Feelings Effect Behavior

Use “I” Statements (2 of 4) Three Parts : What it is exactly, that the other person has done or is doing. Behavior

Use “I” Statements (3 of 4): Three Parts : Effect What it happening because of their behavior.

Use “I” Statements (4 of 4): Three Parts : Feelings What effect does their behavior have on your feelings?

Letting Other People Know How You Feel While remaining cool and collected, try to explain your point of view. Use terms like “I feel” and “I think” rather than “It should be” or “It must.”

Describe your wants, needs and intentions to other people. Use terms like “ I want ,” “ I need, ” and “ I plan to .” Making Assertive Statements

Communicate Assertively/ Skills Empathetic Assertion. Simple Assertion. Self-Disclosure. Workable Compromise. Broken Record. Fogging. Free Information. Negative Assertion.

More Tips Communicating a request for change to another person is probably one of the hardest tasks for the newly assertive person. Using the following technique may help someone get through those first tough spots when it comes to difficult situations.

Requesting Change From Someone Else 1. Describe the situation. 2. Express your feelings on the subject. 3. Request a behavior change. 4. State the positive consequences of changed behavior. Use this template as your guide when dealing with sticky situations.

The Criteria of Requesting Change The method you use to request change from someone else should include the following six criteria. A good chance that the person you are requesting change from will change. You will not be-little other people’s self-esteem. You will not violate the rights of others.

The Criteria of Requesting Change You will not damage your relationship with the person you are requesting change from. You will not be defensive. You will not lessen the motivation of the other person.

Don’t Get Mad... Anger may seem like a quick fix, but it will get you nowhere fast. Yelling until you are blue in the face will only come back to haunt you later.

Assertiveness is More Than Courage

Assertiveness is Also About Setting limits. Expressing your feelings.

“ No” is Not a Dirty Word If something makes you feel uncomfortable or if you feel the request is unreasonable, then it is your prerogative to refuse. Remember: You are not saying “no” to the whole person, but only to part of the relationship which makes you feel uncomfortable. “ No” does not require an explanation.

Use good communication to transmit your requests and feelings. Don’t Go Down the Passive or Aggressive Road Passive Assertive Aggressive

First Impressions Slouching, avoiding eye contact, and other self-effacing mannerisms can show a lack of self confidence. This kind of self-presentation can perpetuate a cycle of non-assertive behavior.

Keeping Up Appearances Part of standing up for yourself is standing up straight! And remember to look ‘em in the eye!

It’s a Two-Way Road Also be aware of the physical responses of others. If people are avoiding your stare or shying away, slow down. You may be coming on too strong.

Taking the First Step If you don’t like the way you feel when you behave a certain way, know that you have the power to change it! Remember, the only behavior you can control is your own.

“ A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” Chinese Proverb

Fears Which Block Assertive Behavior 1. Fear of making mistakes. 2. Fear of displeasing others. 3. Fear of disapproval. 4. Fear of appearing too masculine or too feminine. Fear

Reminder Assertiveness = Personal Authority + Confidence in Your Skills + Sense of Purpose + Commitment to Goals

Start Out Small Master what you can manage comfortably at first, then move up to greater challenges. Change is always gradual; it’s not immediate, but it’s not impossible either.

You Can Change Your Habits 1. Identify what you want to change about yourself. 2. Set a goal. 3. Control your fears and anxieties. 4. Aim for a success that is manageable at first. 5. Keep a record to monitor your progress. 6. Practice, practice, practice! Don’t lose sight of your goal, and remember that upkeep is a life-long commitment.

“ Natural abilities are like natural plants, that need pruning by study...” Francis Bacon

A good way to enforce what you’ve learned is to role-play. “ The Play’s the Thing…” Practice and feedback are essential to discovering strengths and weaknesses, as is having a chance to try out your skills in a supportive forum.

Tips on Assertiveness Here are some communication skills that will help you convey an assertive attitude: Be aware of your facial expression. Always make eye contact. Pay attention to what others are saying and let them know that you are listening.

Tips on Assertiveness Use a pleasant but firm voice when communicating. Be aware of your gestures and how you hold and present yourself. Always ask questions when clarification is needed to avoid misunderstanding. Look for ways to solve the problem so all parties are satisfied.

Comfort Zone Comfort level is the degree to which you feel comfortable with what is happening, while taking into the situation, circumstances and relationship. Whenever the comfort level is exceeded, “Speak Up”.

Time for the Diagnostic How do you fare when it comes to behaving assertively? Knowing where you are personally can help gauge how far you’ve come and how much farther you have to go.

What are you going to take action on? Action Plan Start with the three easiest items.

Action Steps List specific behaviors. Be as systematic as possible. Rank the behaviors in terms of their complexity or degree of difficulty. Rank the behaviors in terms of chronological order. Begin with the least difficult behavior. Advance to a more difficult behavior. Break difficult behavior down into several smaller behaviors.

Attach time limits to each behavior. Repeat specific behavior until mastered. Review all previous behaviors. Advance to next most difficult behavior. Measure and evaluate. Keep records (preferably visual). Reinforce through reward and punishment. Use visual reminders (pictures, charts, etc.). Remember: ("A small goal is enough!"). Action Steps

Assertiveness

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Assertiveness