Chapter 8

Capital Choice Counselling Group
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© Dr. Martin Rovers
Chapter 8
Re-creating the Relationship III: Emotional Connectedness
All the knowledge I possess everyone else can acquire,
but my heart is all my own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone - we find it with
another. We will never be fully real until we let ourselves fall in love - either with another human
being or with God.
Thomas Merton, Love and Living
Lerner (1989) describes intimacy as the ability to be yourself in a relationship and to allow
my partner to do the same. Being yourself means that I know who I am (Know Thyself, Chapter
Six) and to choose to communicate who I am to my partner openly and clearly (Communication,
Chapter Seven). To “allow my partner to do the same” necessitates that we stay connected
emotionally, in a way and in a place that is safe and trusting for both partners. Emotional
connectedness is the ability to balance individuation and intimacy / togetherness in such a way
that we can both live and love with a good understanding and appreciation of who we are. We
need to do this loving in a space that is secure for both partners.
The pivotal access to change and growth for couples is found in the awareness of their
underlying emotions. Each of us encompasses emotional components that form primary needs
within our being. Some deeply experienced emotions are vital for couple life, such as security,
trust, love, connectedness, freedom as these lead to a positive and enriching loving spiral within
the couple. Harmonious couple relationships are, in their essence, emotional connections in a safe
and trusting meeting place. The vast majority of ways to create trusting emotional connections are

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born, learned, and developed within the family of origin, and they are a part of our personality by
the time we are 6-10 years of age. We probably have learned and have been practising both
positive and negative emotional connections constantly throughout life, and these ways of
connecting are already an intimate part of our relationship style when we meet our new partner.
It Takes Two to Tango
Maintaining contact with a significant other is a primary motivating principle for all human
beings. Feeling secure with another person is a basic need for all people, for love enhances
confidence and sharing. Couple relationships wax and wane over the years, as both partners work
on the delicate balance of individuation and intimacy, of attachment and autonomy. It takes two to
make love and two to fight, and I sincerely believe that, for the most part, we dance this dance of
intimacy, and its corresponding dance of wounds, in equal portions. It takes two to tango at this
depth of relationship. Both partners push and pull, step forward and back, give and receive love.
Both partners are responsible to know themselves and take ownership for their contribution to the
loving and to the conflict. Finger pointing does very little good here while I-statements are a
blessing.
When couple relationships get stuck and negative spirals seems to be the rule for the
relationship, the challenge to change the steps of the couple dance is of utmost urgency for the
couple. Partners have choices here to either put all or most of the blame on the other ("It’s all your
fault”) or to look more closely at both themselves and their partner and realize that “we” have a
problem; “we” are caught in the dance of wounds and “we” need and want to find a way out for
us. Untangling the dance of wounds means one person needs to start by saying, “I want to make

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our relationship better and here are a few things that will need to change”. (see the exercise at end
of this chapter). When both partners admit fault, seek repair and greater emotional connectedness,
the dance of wounds can become a tango of love again.
Negative and Positive Interactional Cycles and Spirals
When the dance of wounds is fully operative, couples are caught in negative interactional
cycles such as criticize and withdraw, over-responsible and under-responsible, pursue and flee.
The common dynamic for this dance of wounds is often too much intensity by one partner and too
much distance by the other partner. Too much intensity is that preoccupied / enmeshment when
one partner is overly focused on what their partner is or isn’t doing and (s)he attempts to blame the
other and demand that they change. Too much distance means that there is insufficient sharing and
talking in the relationship and togetherness has been minimalized. Couples can get stuck in these
negative interactional cycles and the dance of wounds rules the day. These interactional positions
in distressed couples tend to become rigidly defined and these interactions create powerful,
negative, feedback cycles. Partners react to each other with strong emotional states like fear, anger,
depression, distance, or enmeshment. These patterns can take on a life of their own and become
self-reinforcing. These patterns restrict emotional accessibility and responsiveness which are the
basis of a secure sense of attachment and connectedness. In as much as this dance of wounds looks
like distrust and alienation, it can also be seen as a strong desire to recapture the love and
connection that used to be present within the couple relationship when they had fallen in love.
One can never figure out who went first in such a negative spiral. Sure, partners are very
willing to point the finger and blame their partner with lines like, “You started it when you....”, but

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the truth is not at all so clear, for both partners often use a long litany of defences like, “Yes, but
you first did....”. Often couples stay stuck at this level of blaming the other, which in itself is like a
“hole in the sidewalk” that neither can get out of alone.
Unlike negative spirals, which happen pretty automatically as a result of the dance of
wounds, positive spirals need to be built, block by thoughtful block, step by conscious step, stage
by loving stage. There needs to be a willingness to want. Wounds, especially love and relationship
wounds, which are really the results of deficits of love in childhood, can only be healed through
the gentle love of a partner, a friend, a parent, a therapist, a child or, for many, God. The first step
in the dance of the re-creation of the relationship requires an intimate, continuous, reliable,
and predictable relationship with another so that the person can feel secure and loved
enough to open up and talk about their wounds so that healing can now begin. The healing of
wounds, in this sense, involves the recognition of the wounds in myself (Chapter Six), their origin
in my family of origin (Chapter One), communication of wounds with my significant other
(Chapter Seven) and feeling safe and being touched by appropriate love (Chapter Eight). In other
words, the childhood wound of deficit of love is allowed to surface and is responded to with gentle
and persistent affection. This new positive dance opens up space and a new dialogue that creates
new steps in the positive spiral of the couple’s dance. Positive steps in the relationship establishes
a more secure base which in turn generates a more positive attachment between the partners, and
love can be rebuilt. Couples begin to validate each other’s experience and begin to communicate
more openly. To come to the point in the development of a couple relationship where partners can

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open up to each other in a secure place and ask the other’s help with their wound is one of the
great definitions of love.
Big Enough to Go First
So, who goes first? I once received a card from a friend. On the cover page it says: “Let us
share the deepest, darkest secrets of our souls”. On opening the card, on the inside page, it reads;
“You go first!” When the red flags fly in couple interactions and everyone knows that
something is wrong in the relationship, who will be the first to say; “Stop! Time out! We
have a problem here! My buttons are being pushed and I am hurting. My wounds are
starting to dance! We need to do something different”. Love means to commit myself to
healing the couple relationship and to give myself without guarantee of return in the hope that our
work and our love will produce healing. Going first is a real act of faith.
How often I hear the same tune in therapy, when one partner knew for years that there was
something wrong, but never really said anything, or did so in feeble utterances. “I just thought you
stopped loving me and did not care anymore, so I went on my way”. On the other end of the
spectrum, some partners have an affair which is one big, loud, albeit inappropriate, cry for help.
As indicated in both scenarios, more often than not, partners do signal trouble in the relationship in
some fashion, by anger or withdrawal, in quiet gestures or in loud scenes. In a certain sense, it
takes courage to signal one’s dissatisfaction within the couple relationship and even more so to say
it directly to one’s partner.
Once the partners have communicated to each other that the relationship is in trouble, it
takes even more courage and thoughtfulness to begin the road to reexamining the relationship

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problems and determine a path of corrective action towards new emotional connectedness. Who is
big enough to suggest couple help? Which partner has the courage to propose therapy? Can the
partners begin the process of putting issues on the communication table and begin to look at the
issues and wounds that spawned this dance of wounds in the first place? My experience has taught
me that if the couple has drifted some distance apart and the issues are quite substantive, it is best
to put all issues on the table of therapy and “fire all guns” in the work of couple reconstruction.
Give it all you have!! When couple work needs to be done, to try is not enough, as in the
statement, “I am going to try”. Either you do the work of loving or you don’t. Either someone
becomes big enough to go first or nothing really happens.
Dance like no one is looking.
Love like you have never been hurt.
Give like you are a millionaire.
Talk like new found lovers.
Have the courage to go first.
Focusing on Emotions
Becoming aware of our emotional reactions is the best route to shaping new responses.
Couples need to focus on their deepest feelings and needs and express these to their partner.
Restructuring the dance of wounds happens by reshaping emotional responses. The dance of
wounds, expressed in hurt, rejection, and dismissing, needs to change into a dance of re-creating
relationship by means of connection and togetherness. Re-creating the relationship requires:
increased awareness of the present pain that both partners are feeling; acknowledgement of the

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hurts present in the dance of wounds and how both partners are contributing to the problem;
helping partners connect with their own deeper selves, including pains and wants; talking and truly
listening; curiosity leading to knowing, appreciating, and understanding each other; creating a
safe place to come together and talk. There needs to be a softening ... the honest, gentle sharing of
wants, needs, opinions, feeling; an appreciation of my partner and all they are, say, and feel; a safe
place to meet, to talk and to touch. In other words, emotions are of central importance in
relationships that can lead a couple to positive new insights in the recreation of the relationship.
Emotions are the glue that hold couples together. The dance of re-creating relationships happens
when changes take place wherein there are new experiences of relationship patterns set up so that
security is acknowledged, trust is met and both partners are open to engage in greater accessibility
and responsiveness.
Example:
John and Susan had been feeling distant from each other for months now. They had spoken some
cruel words to each other, especially about the hurt both were feeling in regard to what each
perceived they were not receiving from the other. During therapy, Susan seemed to be first to see
her contribution to the couple problem and wanted to move in the direction of trying harder
including reconciliation. John was more reluctant, holding onto his hurt longer. He stated that the
“feeling of being in love” was gone and he wanted to feel a sense of loving Susan again. John said
to Susan: “When I long for you, I can reconnect with you”. Gradually, through lots of walks and
talks and lots of tears, this longing grew, but it was of a different kind of love than the original

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“falling in love”. Rather, Susan and John were moving towards a new and deeper connection at an
emotional level.
What is this affective fuel that keeps a couple going? How is the emotional encounter
sustained? Are there ways of connecting emotionally that build trust and safety in a couple
relationship? There are five healthy methods of moment - to - moment loving: availability,
demonstration of affection, affirmation, communication, and resolution of conflict. We have
already covered the last two items in Chapter Six on communication. Let us turn now to the first
three methods.
The first dimension of emotional connection is availability and a lived sense of being
together, living in the same ballpark of intimacy. Couples nourish each other by their mutual
company, going for walks together, sitting and talking, and going to bed together. Throughout
these times, they watch and listen to each other, touch and smell. All this happens quite naturally
and is not consciously registered until one partner goes away for awhile, or the sense of
togetherness is missed. Availability is made difficult in today’s world when both partners work,
the calendar gets full of “thing to do”, and the weekend is spent shopping. A regular dinner date, a
weekend away together, conversations over coffee are the moments that help keep couples
connected emotionally and this offer them a secure base through which their relationship can be
gradually recreated.
With availability must also come demonstration of affection; the hugs, caresses, kisses and
snuggles. During one session of therapy, one woman said to her husband that what she would
really want from him is a big hug, a passionate kiss, a tete a tete and a compliment each day. This

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was, of course, the glue in the early years of the relationship when couples could not wait to touch
each other. Over time, perhaps with familiarity or perhaps with changes in the bio-chemical
makeup of each partner, or perhaps with kids and fatigue setting in, affection is decreased, and, at
times, squinting towards lost. Men are often not as good at and feel embarrassed by these
demonstrations of affection, other than sex. Women rejoice in touch and can feel neglected by its
demise. Women enjoy affection separate from sex while men find that difficult to fathom. The
lived reality of sex in couple relationships, and the poor communication about the affection /
sexual needs of each partner is one of the common stumbling blocks of relationships and often
much in need of repair through therapy.
Sexual intercourse is a primary expression of love and it is about a whole lot more than
orgasm. Touch, smell, taste, and words all speak to one another a language of love. Sex is also a
very personal language of love, something held exclusive and private within couple relationships.
Sex conveys the message that I want you, appreciate you and know you. It is also a powerful
affirmation of each other’s identity as woman and man. Sex is often an expression of
reconciliation, and thanksgiving.
Affirmation is another method of loving. Complementing each other and affirming each
other is the oxygen of self-esteem. We all need it. Yet somehow when the relationships gets on in
years, we neglect or forget to affirm. Too often we tend to keep our mouths too shut when things
go well and too open when things go too wrong, especially when we feel wronged by our partner.
Affirmation talks about appreciating, understanding, encouraging, approving. Gottman suggests

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that we accentuate the positive in our couple relationships while dealing with the negatives as they
come up.
To Appreciate the Other as Other
Partners are more than just the people we first fell in love with. As delineated in this book,
each partner has family of origin and other wounds, including possible wounds around
individuating and connecting, communicating, touching and sex, and a whole host of other values
that make each of us unique people. It is fairly easy to appreciate these qualities in our partner
while we are in love; yet as the honeymoon comes to a close and the dance of wounds begins,
much of this previous appreciation seems to go out the window. Indeed, often times partners begin
to see each other as purposely withholding love or even as being downright mean. Learning to
know and appreciate each partner for who (s)he really is includes acknowledging and working
with their woundedness with the same sense of charity and acceptance as I expect them to have
regarding my wounds. In other words, my partner is both the loving, caring and exciting
person that I first fell in love with AND a limited and hurting person with wounds, somewhat
equal to my own. I have chosen a partner of equal maturity and now both of us dance the dance of
wounds in more or less equal contributions. So, when I need to know, to understand and to
appreciate my partner, I need to accept all aspects of my partner, and begin our work of re-creating
the relationship especially by connecting emotionally. I need to see myself and my partner as both
loving and wounded.
The process of change in couple therapy is a constant movement from conscious effort to
more conscious effort until our emotional connectedness becomes more natural. This process of

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appreciating the other as other (loving and wounded) means taking time together and getting into
the communication of issues. It speaks of creating that safe enough place where hurts and wounds
can be expressed and dealt with in an accepting fashion. It may mean becoming creative in loving
and finding ways of keeping the romance alive in the relationship.
Share Your Hopes and Dreams
Dreams and hopes also have tremendous power. Dreams speak of the possibilities of the
future. When shared and pursued, they have the power of making themselves come true, the power
of self prophecy. Dreams add a component of wonder and surprise that gives relationships
direction and connectedness at a deeper, almost mystical emotional level. In the re-creating of your
relationship, ask yourselves what you would want the relationship to look like in 6-9 months.
What would be the qualities that each of you seeks to have active in your relationship, and what
are you willing to do and change to get to these qualities? Sharing your hopes and dreams is the
beginning of making the miracle come true.
Moving a Relationship from “Good” to “Better”
Most marriages begin with love and “good” intentions. People marry because they want to
give the best to their partner, and hope for love / care / friendship / intimacy in return. And yet this
movement from “the happiest day of your life” and “living happily ever after” seems to elude most
people. Approximately 40% of marriages end in divorce. Peck boldly states that, after the falling
in love part, a relationship IS A LOT OF WORK.
We all have emotional needs, and it is almost an unspoken expectation that my partner
should know and provide for my needs. After all, isn’t that what love is all about? Well, yes and

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no! Yes, love wants to give the best to the other: and no, we need to be so careful when we assume
that my partner knows and is able to provide for all of my needs. Partners need to identify their
own and their partners emotional needs and learn to become experts in trying to meet these needs.
Research has outlined the most important emotional needs and, in the following exercise, you are
encouraged to rank these needs for yourself and your partner. Then talk about your differences.
Talking through each partner’s ranking of emotional needs allows for the sharing of couple
strengths, invites the soothing of hurting areas and acknowledges unspoken differences.

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Emotional Needs My Ranking How My Partner Wound Rank
To be loved
To feel safe and secure
Sexual fulfilment
Communication
Having fun together
Honesty and openness
An attractive partner
Financial security
Helping out in the house
Commitment to the family
To be appreciated

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“I’ve Learned”
By author unknown
1) I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be
loved. The rest is up to them.
2) I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.
3) I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it.
4) I’ve learned that it is not what you have in life that counts, but who you have in life that counts.
5) I’ve learned that it takes me a long time to become the person I want to be.
6) I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time
you see them.
7) I’ve learned that you can keep on going after you think you can’t.
8) I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
9) I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
10) I’ve learned that no matter how hot and steamy the relationship is at first, the passion fades
and there had better be something else to take its place.
11) I’ve learned that sometimes when I am angry I have a right to be angry, but that doesn’t give
me the right to be cruel.
12) I’ve learned that true friendship continues to grow. Same goes for true love.
13) I’ve learned that because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean
they don’t love you with all they have.

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14) I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a
while, and you must forgive them for that.
15) I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we
are responsible for who we become.
16) I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally
different.

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Exercise: Emotional Connection
This exercise is designed to help couples name and claim those emotional connections
that enhances trust and security in the relationship. These might include emotional
connections from the early days of falling in love, or better still, new expressions of
feeling connected today.
What I like best about you is....
1)
2)
3)
In terms of feeling emotionally connected, what I need most from you right now is:
1)
2)
3)

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