Understanding Infidelity: What It Is, Why It Happens, How to Cope and How to Prevent It

John R. Williams, MMFT 2
We Are All Torn Between
Faithfulness & Infidelity
Designed to Give
God’s Faithful Love
 To fulfill our own
and our mate’s
expectations to be
faithfully loved
 Template of true
husband and wife
Born from Adultery
 Deeply imbued with
patterns of weakness
and betrayal
 Evil template of false
mate and false friend
and elder

 Understanding Affairs
 Why Spouses Cheat
 How Affairs Happen
 Recovery from Affairs
 Safeguarding Your Marriage

Understanding
Affairs

What Is Infidelity?
One partner squandering what was
assumed to belong exclusively to the
spouse
 Dividing love between two
 Violation of emotional and physical
boundaries
 Invasion of the sacred partnership
“I thought we had a special relationship and
now you have ruined it”

Three Defining Elements
of Infidelity
1. Secrecy
 Encounters hidden
from spouse and
others
2. Emotional intimacy
 Sharing confidences
the spouse doesn’t
know
 Dependency
3. Sexual chemistry
 Mutual attraction
 The affair begins
once both sides
recognize this,
and don’t break it off
Shirley Glass, Not “Just Friends”

Infidelity Involves Reversal of
“Walls & Windows”
Marriage partners
 Close off walls to others
 Open windows to
each other
Cheaters in affairs
 Put up a wall to their spouse about the lover
 Open a window to the lover about their
spouse, marriage and inner life
 Bond with the lover over shared secrets

Impact of Affair on the Family
During the affair:
 The spouse
senses a
problem but
doubts their
instincts
 Children absorb
the mentality
of the cheater
or the cheated
After the affair:
 Deep humiliation and
sense of violation
 Self-doubt: “Aren’t I good
enough?”
 Rage and resentment
 Shattered ideals about
love, commitment and
trust in the opposite sex

Myths about Affairs
1. It takes you by
surprise
2. It was a loveless
marriage
3. The spouse was
lacking somehow
4. It’s about sex and
being sexy
5. Unless there is sex
there is no affair
6. The sex makes it so
unforgivable
7. It’s only about weak
character
8. Cheating is
inevitable

Myths about Affairs I
1. It takes you by surprise
 It is often a long process
 Involves many small
lapses of judgement
2. It was a loveless
marriage
 55% of husbands and
35% of wives who cheat
are in happy marriages
3. The spouse was
lacking somehow
 Blaming the victim
is common after
the affair begins
 The cheater
was likely lacking
 Cheating is the
cheater’s
responsibility

Myths about Affairs II
4. It’s about sex and
being sexy
 Many affairs are for
companionship
 Sex may well be
better at home
 Lovers are chosen to
be different from the
spouse, not always
better looking
5. Without sex,
there is no affair
 Emotional affairs
can be just as
hard to break off
 To wives,
emotional affairs
can be worse
than one night
stands

Myths about Affairs III
6. The sex makes it so
unforgivable
 The deceit is often more so
7. It’s all about weak
character
 80-90% of betrayers or
betrayed had adulterous
parents
 Good people under great
stress can fall
8. Cheating is
inevitable
 Only about
18% of
spouses
cheat
 Adulterers
tend to have
friends who
believe this

Frequency of Infidelity
Affects about 35%
of marriages
 About 24% of
men
 About 14% of
women
Sex in America, University of
Chicago
 Early years of
marriage are high risk
 Many are unfaithful as
they are leaving a
marriage
 Rates for women are
increasing

4 Kinds of Affairs I
1. One Night Stand
 Quick sexual
encounter
 Impersonal
 Cheater was
impaired by
alcohol, tiredness,
etc.
2. Addictive
 Many impersonal
sexual encounters
 Can’t stop
 Cycle of remorse
then repeating

4 Kinds of Affairs II
3. Emotional
 Nurturing; started as
friendship
 “Soulmate” obsession
that’s hard to break off
 Hard to feel guilty
 May be tantalizingly
non-physical
 Lasts 18 to 24 mos.
4. Common Interest
 Periodic,
based on
shared activity
 No other
contact
between
encounters
 Hard to break off

Affairs & Gender Differences I
Intimacy and sex
1. Men tend to sexualize a
close friendship
 View sharing of feelings
as sign of romantic bond
2. Women tend to get
emotionally intimate
before considering
physical connection
Affair with
“just sex”
 25% of men
 3% of women

Affairs & Gender Differences II
Marital discontent
 Wives tend to be
dissatisfied with
marriage long
before an affair
 Men are often
satisfied yet
caught by
temptation
Betrayal
 Women can feel
more betrayed by
long relationships
involving intimate
conversation, gifts
and time
 Men tend to see sex
as worse than
emotional contact

Why Spouses
Cheat

Affair as “Vanity Mirror”
“I like the way I look in my lover’s eyes”
1. Escape from the reflection of shortcomings in
your spouse’s view of you
 Can be the heroic rescuer, the sexy beauty,
the sensitive, understanding one
2. Assuages one or both most basic fears:
 Am I accepted and loved?
 Am I good enough?

How Fatal Attractions Begin
1. Unfinished business in
the early child’s and
sibling’s realms of heart
pushes to get resolved
 Harnesses sexual energy
to meet emotional needs
 Can be healthy in marriage
but fatal outside of it
2. Leads to
forbidden
desires for sex
and the wrong
person
 Opposite sex
 Same sex
 Older
 Younger
 Bad character

Fatal Attraction
1. Someone meets long
denied emotional
needs
 Generates blinding
infatuation
2. Artificial situations
make lover look good
 Spouse may look bad
by comparison

12 Factors
Increasing Temptation 1
1. Long term stress and fatigue
2. Desire to escape a painful marriage
3. Poor communication, conflict resolution or
problem solving skills
4. Wanting relief from sadness, boredom or
feeling old
5. Longing for approval, attention, comfort, etc.
6. Looking for a way to grow

12 Factors
Increasing Temptation 2
7. Fear of being controlled or getting too close
8. Resentment against the partner
9. Deviant sexual arousal patterns not satisfied
in marriage
10.Immaturity; belief in entitlement to sex or
happiness
11.Parents involved in infidelity
12.Friends who cheat

How Affairs
Happen

People Helpers’
Vulnerabilities to Affairs
 Deeply involved in
other’s personal
lives, so can get too
close
 Prone to burnout, so
vulnerable to comfort
 Receive criticism and
little thanks, so can
need appreciation
 Look like saviors to
others
 Their marriages are
strained by their
dedication
 Investing their whole
heart, so can be
deeply hurt
 Co-workers share
their dedication, hurts
and fatigue, so they
make a strong bond

4 Steps towards an Affair
1. Fantasies of involvement
2. (Emotional involvement)
3. Physical involvement
4. Rationalizations

1. Fantasies of Involvement
Imagining being with someone
 Whether fictional or real people
 Rehearses possibilities and lowers resistance
 Invites others to dare you to fulfil your fantasy
 “Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already
committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28

2. Emotional Involvement
1. Friendship
becomes
dependency
 Rely on them to
meet marital
needs
2. Male/female
magnetism
 Constant pull
3. Hard to detect or admit
 No outward sin
 Only motives are wrong
4. Touching emotionally
 Meeting need for
acceptance, affirmation,
recognition

Warning Signs
 You’ve got a need
your mate isn’t meeting:
Attention, fun,
approval or affection
 It’s easier to unwind
with this person
 You discuss marital
problems with this
person
 You dress with this
person in mind
 You look forward to
being with this
person
 You wonder what
you’d do if you didn’t
have this friend to
talk with
 You hide the
relationship from
your mate

3. Physical Involvement
1. Emotional intimacy wants increasing physical
expression
2. One kiss can be electrifying
 Escalates the bonding
 Harder to move from friendship to the first kiss
than from a kiss to intercourse
“These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is
allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.” James 1:15

4. Rationalizations
 It feels too good to
stop
 Cover-ups and
excuses needed as
with any addiction
 Explains it after the
fact, often criticizing
the spouse to justify
what happened
 Just one more time and
no more
 If my spouse met my
needs, I wouldn’t do this
 My lover needs me
 God knows I need this
and will forgive me
 No one knows; what’s
the harm?

Recovery
from Affairs

Surviving the Affair:
12 Points for the Cheated I
1. Get help
 To control primitive
reactions
 To carefully
choose your
responses
 You probably can’t
save your marriage
by yourself
2. Let yourself
feel your
feelings
 Like a grieving
process, it takes
time
 Vent both anger
and sadness

12 Points for the Cheated II
3. Treat unrepentant
adultery like abuse
 Do not enable them to
carry on the affair
 Do not try to
“win them back”
 Demand respect
 Use “tough love” and
give consequences
4. Set your
boundaries
clearly
 Declare what will
not be tolerated
5. Act as honorably
as possible
 Avoid disrespect

12 Points for the Cheated III
6. Ask for the
information
you need
 Disarm secrets
and regain
power
 But don’t ask
for more details
than you can
handle
7. Check for STDs
 Do not have sex until
the affair is over and
your mate has been
cleared

12 Points for the Cheated IV
8. Recognize your mate
is “on drugs”
 Try not to take it
personally
9. Avoid a victim
mentality
 Depersonalize and
accept what has
happened
10. Find
forgiveness
 For what you
can
 Don’t be
manipulated
by guilt

12 Points for the Cheated V
11. Believe in a
future beyond this
 Don’t let the affair
define your
marriage
 Pray to emerge
stronger
12. Seek meaning
from this crisis
 Reversing
ancestral sin
 Use it to become a
better spouse and
couple

6 Points for the Cheater I
1. Take full responsibility
for what went wrong
 Never blame your mate
for your choice
 Accept your mate’s
abusive reactions and
other pain as the cost of
your mistake
2. Get help
 Buddy to help
hold you
accountable
 A coach to
keep you on
track
 Counselor to
explore
weaknesses

6 Points for the Cheater II
3. Create safety;
reverse walls and
windows
 End secrets
 Volunteer
information to
your spouse
 Report unavoidable
encounters with the
lover
4. Prove you are
trustworthy
 Account for your
whereabouts and
spending at all
times
 As often and as
long as necessary

6 Points for the Cheater III
5. Cut off from the
lover
 Not even email or
texting
 Expect to be
depressed for
weeks, like drug
withdrawal
 You will want to go
back at times
6. Correct the
vulnerabilities
leading to the
affair
 “What did I like
about myself with
the lover?”
 What needs was I
unaware were not
being met?

Safeguarding
Your Marriage

Safeguarding Your Marriage I
1. Acknowledge that attractions and
mistakes can happen
 Regardless of commitment or love
2. Discuss with your spouse when you are
vulnerable and tempted
 Admit to yourself what kind of person might
be a Fatal Attraction
 Clarify what infidelity is to each other
 Pledge to tell of any attractions or mistakes
within 24 hours

Safeguarding Your Marriage II
3. Maintain boundaries
 Be careful about eye contact
 Share deepest feelings, needs, and
difficulties only with your spouse
 Keep “window” to mate and “walls” to all
others
4. Extinguish attractions when they begin
 Recognize they are 80% unreality
 Never tell the other of attractions

Safeguarding Your Marriage III
5. Be careful at work and online
 You cannot know who is vulnerable
 Don’t chat with the same person all the time
 When travelling, meet only in public areas
 Playful exchanges can look like flirting
 Include your spouse in meetings and email
exchanges

Safeguarding Your Marriage III
6. Avoid isolation from spouse
 Bring things out in the open to discuss
 Ask for what you need
7. Keep courting your spouse
 Constantly win your mate’s love
 Reserve time for talk and fun experiences
 Have “secret” encounters and playful sex
 Focus on mate’s strengths as others do
 Invest as much as in parenting

Safeguarding Your Marriage IV
8. Pursue marriage strengthening activities
 Share new recreational, educational and
spiritual adventures together
 Mentor new couples
 Keep learning new information and skills
9. Choose pro-marriage friends
 Be careful whom you discuss problems with
 Find same-sex accountability buddies
 Nurture “couple” friendships

Recommended Resources
 Torn Asunder, by Tom Carder
 Not “Just Friends,” by Shirley Glass,
 His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair
Proof Marriage, by Willard Harley &
MarriageBuilders.com
 The Divorce Remedy, by Michele Wiener
Davis & DivorceBusters.com
 AffairRecovery.com

John R. Williams, MFT 48
John R. Williams, MFT
 John@JohnWilliamsCounselor.com

Understanding Infidelity: What It Is, Why It Happens, How to Cope and How to Prevent It

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Understanding Infidelity: What It Is, Why It Happens, How to Cope and How to Prevent It

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