Herman Summer09 Web
- 1. A JOURNAL OF WELL-BEING from BETH ALLYN HERMAN, MA Summer 2009 Counseling & Psychotherapy www.bethherman.org W How to Support Your Own Happiness hen you were little and the teacher asked what you wanted to be when you grew up, you surely down for 10 minutes when you’re tired rather than powering through a 1 task, but you start to create a habit of 0 Ways to Practice Acceptance Self-acceptance is an action; it is didn’t answer “miserable!” seeking happiness that grows. something we do, not just something At every stage in life, unhappiness Acknowledge your feelings. When you feel we feel. Try these 10 ways to prac- is not a state to which we aspire. But distressed, don’t make it worse by tice acceptance. with the economy rolling downhill, beating yourself up for being upset. 1. Your body. Stand naked before a the vision of our own prosperity can Do your best to accept your feelings. full-length mirror and notice your seem like a tiny, inflatable raft in an When you give your feelings respect feelings. If you never would do ocean of fear. In such unstable times, and attention, they usually begin to something like that, notice and the pursuit of happiness can feel like a shift on their own, and you start to accept that, too. taunt rather than an inalienable right. feel better. Still, it’s worth the effort. Emerg- 2. Difficult emotions. When anger, ing research shows that while trauma Work with your thoughts. If you’re having fear or jealousy arises, focus on it. has a profound impact on the brain, thoughts that are hurtful to you, Breathe into it and notice how the the brain is not as hard-wired as try reaching for a better thought or feelings begin to subside. previously thought. We can learn to be scenario that you can actually believe. 3. Resistance. If you are resisting— happier. In fact, the most popular class For instance, if you’re worried about tightening your muscles, holding at Harvard University is one in which losing your job, recall something your breath—allow that to be okay. students learn to train their brains to stable in your life, whether it’s your Take a deep breath. cultivate what instructor Tal Ben- partner’s income or your healthy savings account. When your mind 4. Imperfections. Fill in the blank: “I Shahar calls the ultimate currency: returns to the worry, bring it back to don’t want to be ________, but I am happiness. the better-feeling thought. and I am willing to grow.” Why Happiness Matters Celebrate success. Whether it’s the 5. Actions. What past action do you Medical evidence suggests being achievement of a major goal or a regret? Without judging others or unhappy affects our memory and our week when your children got along, yourself, write about it. If appropri- capacity to learn, while increasing the take in the accomplishment, and give ate, make amends. risk of illness. yourself and your children a pat on 6. Life conditions. Describe an area of On the flip side, happier people the back. your life that you wish were differ- are more likely to: Seek meaning. Happiness comes from ent and allow your feelings to arise. • be more creative, confident and doing something that gives us Explore alternatives through writ- productive. pleasure and meaning. If your job ing or with someone you trust. • have a stronger network of doesn’t provide that, find something 7. Opinions. Write about a current sit- allies and friends. that does. It could be a hobby, uation about which you have strong • be sick less often and get well volunteering, taking a course, or feelings. It’s okay to disagree with faster. allowing time to read a book or cook friends, family and organizations. something tasty. How to Support Your Own Happiness 8. Uniqueness. Fill this in: “Some Express gratitude. Be grateful for people don’t appreciate that I am If you would like to train your brain everything that makes your day ________, but I am and nothing is for happiness, consider some of these better, from a colleague’s smile to wrong with me.” ideas: your morning latte. 9. Your bright side. Write about your Decide that you want to be happier. When As you practice happiness and make it joy, beauty, brilliance, vision. you make that decision, you start a habit, you’ll find yourself in a lovely to notice choices for happiness that upward spiral that will support you 10. Your dreams. Without regard to you may have missed before. Those through challenging times. ✻ practicality, write about what you choices may be small, such as lying really want in your life. ✻
- 2. 2 THRIVING Summer 2009 A Letter From Beth Allyn Herman, MA Do You Fight Fairly? Most of us would avoid fighting if we could. After all, it's not very comfortable. However, personal growth is often attained through some kind of challenge. Fighting fairly and skillfully is the key to allowing conflict to serve us rather than do harm. Answer the following questions to discover if you are fighting fairly: True False Set 1 1. When people hurt me or make me angry, I’m likely to fight back or be defensive. No one wants to be unhappy, yet when 2. If someone brings up a subject I don’t want to discuss, I ignore times are tough, happiness can feel like him or her, or refuse to talk about it. an impossible dream. 3. I tend to build up resentments over time, and then let them all Conventional wisdom used to say out in one big blow-up. that some people are optimists and others 4. I sometimes cut people out of my life when they don’t agree will always see the glass as half empty. with me or give me what I want. However, new research on the brain 5. I’ll be taken advantage of or hurt if I show any vulnerability. suggests that’s not exactly so. It turns 6. I withhold love and connection when I don’t get my way. out that happiness can be viewed as a skill that we all can learn. The cover 7. I try to get more support for my point of view by getting article explores the issue of happiness others on my side. and offers several ways to encourage its 8. I have a tendency to “leak” my resentments rather than being growth in you. open and direct about my feelings. Some people feel a compulsion to Set 2 engage in sexual acts that bring harm 1. I use “I” statements to express my feelings and thus avoid to themselves and/or others. Sex takes blaming and telling the other person what he or she feels. over their lives as they either act out 2. I am committed to listening and being open-heartedly curious their compulsion or try to control it. when quarreling so that I can truly understand what the other The article on page 3 explores what sex person is feeling, thinking and experiencing. addiction looks like, what may cause it 3. I am able to express my anger, and I hold a safe, respectful and where sex addicts and families of sex space for others to express their anger towards me. addicts can seek help. 4. I consciously create time and space for resolving conflicts rath- Also in this issue are 10 ways to er than arguing when either of us is in the midst of other things. practice self-acceptance, as well as the 5. Resolving conflicts successfully often leads to greater intimacy Used with permission, © 2009 Claire Communications quiz, which asks if you fight fairly. and authenticity. Rounding out this issue is an article about the challenges of co-parenting and 6. It’s important that the other person and I each have time to how you can provide a safe, nurturing share our feelings without being interrupted. home for your children. 7. I avoid holding grudges by expressing my feelings as soon as Enjoy this issue of the newsletter. possible—that way resentments don’t build up. If you have questions about any of the 8. I try to find a win-win solution in any conflict; I’m willing to articles or would like more copies, please negotiate until both of us are satisfied. don’t hesitate to call. If you answered true more often in Set 1 and false more often in Set 2, you Best wishes for a season of increasing may want to learn some communication skills to help you fight fairly. Please happiness, self-acceptance and harmony. don’t hesitate to call if you’d like support in exploring this further. ✻
- 3. Summer 2009 THRIVING 3 Working on Your Relationship—Alone A s the saying goes, it takes two to tango. It also takes two to make a couple. It takes two to make a relationship and, it follows, two to work on that relationship. defective long-term relationship unless you have generated and adopted a lifestyle to sustain it,” he writes in Relationship Rescue. “The reality of your But what happens when one person in a relationship along with your overall lifestyle and your relationship doesn’t want to do the work— relationship with yourself are one hundred especially if that work means going to percent inextricably intertwined.” couples counseling? In other words, how are you doing with First, it’s important to make sure your your own relationship with the #1 person mate really doesn’t want to go. Lorna Hecker, in your life—you? Although it’s important Clinic Director of the Marriage and Family to acknowledge your disappointment that Therapy Center of Purdue University, lists your partner won’t go to therapy or read these tips for asking your partner to join you about relationships with you, it’s even more in marital/relationship therapy: important to move on to the next step. • Ask your partner to join you in “The most important relationship is the therapy. Most people are just afraid to relationship you have with yourself,” James ask. Express your concern about your says. relationship in a non-blaming way. Don’t If taking care of you means going to let the myth that “he/she will never go to counseling, first make sure you are truly counseling” dissuade you. As a therapist, I hear this committed to changing. Counseling can be very all the time, and 90 percent of the time, it just isn’t true emotionally challenging because you are forced to come that someone will never go to therapy. face to face with some painful realities about the ways • Don’t let your partner pull you into an you interact with your mate. A “what can I do to be a argument. Try a broken record technique such as: happier person and maybe improve my relationship, too?” “We disagree; and we disagree a lot. That’s why I approach will probably be more effective than a “what do would like for us to go to marital therapy.” Say it over I do to get him/her to change so I can be happier?” and over (like a broken record), rather than get pulled Alabama mediator and divorce lawyer Lee Borden into an argument. Also, ask for what you do want urges his clients to seek counseling, even if it means from your partner, rather than what you don’t want. going alone. He even urges couples who have decided to divorce to seek counseling to understand what went • If you have previously asked your partner wrong and perhaps avoid certain behavior patterns in to go to therapy before and he/she refused, the future. ask again, but ask differently. Most people have As he puts it, “As you work to know yourself, and great difficulty asking their partner to counseling in a particularly as you do it under the guidance of a caring non-defensive, caring way because they are hurting. professional, you may discover what makes you tick and Try, “I love you, I care about us and I need some help find yourself on the road to healing and wholeness.” in learning how to communicate to you better. I would That step takes a lot of courage and commitment but like to try counseling.” Select a time when there are no it’s a step few regret taking—even alone. distractions, and your partner is rested. And if your partner absolutely refuses to try The Three Cs of Change couples counseling? Go yourself. At the very least you Any change begins with courage, clarity and commitment. can change how you are managing your relationship Courage. It takes courage to be truthful about your own problems. Even if only one person in a relationship part in keeping the relationship “stuck.” For some sees a counselor or therapist, change can happen. people, being “right” is more important than creating a “The overall relationship you have together may or new and better relationship. It takes courage to jump off may not improve, however your own attitude about that pedestal. it will,” says Larry James, author of How to Really Love the One You’re With! This alone is a positive step in the Clarity. Who are you and what do you want in your right direction.” relationship? When you can clearly see how you helped Dr. Phil C. McGraw puts it more bluntly. In his create your relationship, it’s a lot easier to change. book, Relationship Rescue, he urges all partners who are Commitment. Change requires taking the leap and unhappy in a relationship to first tend to themselves sincerely dedicating yourself to creating a shift. Your before trying to change a spouse, lover, partner or partner may or may not cooperate with you, but in the boyfriend/girlfriend. end, you will have made the necessary changes to be “It is not possible for you to have a seriously ready and willing for a productive relationship. ✻
- 4. 4 THRIVING Summer 2009 Make Your Worrying Work for You W orrying may have a bad rep, but worrying, if it's done right, can actually be helpful. • Get physical. Get up, move around. Action will temporarily relieve the worrying. When you come just write idea after idea. Given this creative outlet, the same brain that was nagging you with worries, can Effective worrying can back to the problem, you may have a offer ingenious and often elegant anticipate—and avoid—problems, better perspective on it. solutions. devise artful solutions and expand creative possibilities. It leads to • Take a walk, work out, go for a • Tell a friend. Ask for feedback, constructive action. bike ride or a run. Exercise increases another perspective. Or someone to On the other hand, blood flow, meaning simply listen. Giving voice to your ineffective worrying is more oxygen to the worries can take some of the wind what keeps us awake brain. Exercising out of their bedraggled sails. at night, distracts us regularly means you will probably worry • Make gratitude lists. Oprah during the day and Winfrey isn't the only one to gives our physical less. recommend them. A gratitude list systems a workout • Write down doesn't have to be long or well they don't need. your worries in thought out. In your journal or on When you find a journal. Simply a sheet of paper, jot down several yourself in bed at writing your fears things you’re grateful for. They night, tossing and and concerns down don't have to be big deals—the turning, plowing the takes some of the way the sun falls on the roses in the same field again and power out of them morning is just fine, if that's what you again, you're in the midst of worry and gives you a sense of control. thought of. of the worst kind: self-perpetuating. Writing your worries also gives you The more you worry, the more stress an opportunity to write possible It certainly is not as simple as chemicals feed back to the brain, solutions. Try this: write down the the song, "Don't Worry, Be Happy," telling it to worry more. worry and, without thought to how makes it sound, but somewhere If you find yourself mired in this workable or realistic the solutions underneath its whining, nagging worry bog, try some of these actions are, write them down as fast as they voice, worry might have something to put your worries to work for you: come to mind. Don't stop to think, important to tell you. ✻ Beth Allyn Herman, MA Counseling & Psychotherapy The Farm at Doylestown 605 Farm Lane Doylestown, PA 18901 215-348-3181 www.bethherman.org Beth Herman is a counselor and psychotherapist in private practice. She has a Master of Arts in Clinical Counseling Psychology. The therapy space she creates for her clients is comfortable, conversational and safe. Her down-to-earth and sometimes humorous approach helps to bring a positive lightness to even the most challenging situation.