Issue 1
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This document appears to be a mock magazine created by one person, Ed Burton. It contains bizarre and nonsensical articles, photos, and stories. The articles discuss UFO sightings, photos of the reader's mother, explanations of time and dimensions, letters from readers, and photos of OJ Simpson. Ed Burton holds every role on the publication staff. The publication aims to bring the weirdest things to readers and get photos of them naked. It's full of strange ramblings and stories without much informative or entertaining value.
Issue 1
- 1. October 1998 Volume 1: Issue 1 •More poop than you can handle! • Pictures to disturb you! •UFO pic’s whoo..scary. •Exclusive photos of your mother naked! • The latest O.J. photos! •Articles to entertain.. maybe. •Letters from readers! •And words from people we’d like to have as sponsors. Door From Hell The
- 2. OUR STAFF PUBLISHER..................................ED BURTON PRESIDENT..................................ED BURTON VICE PRESIDENT........................ED BURTON PHOTOGRAPHY..........................ED BURTON REPORTER...................................ED BURTON WRITER.........................................ED BURTON GRAPHICS....................................ED BURTON SECURITY.....................................ED BURTON ANIMAL TRAINER.....................ED BURTON SPECIAL EFFECTS.....................ED BURTON PROMOTIONS..............................ED BURTON KING..............................................ED BURTON KEY GRIP......................................ED BURTON ASSISTANT TO MR. BURTON..ED BURTON SCOUT............................................ED BURTON MOST LIKELY TO GET SUED..ED BURTON CAPTAIN OF THE USS ENTERPRISE...........................JAMES T. KIRK all photos are copywrited either by me or someone else. 1998 by me, ealier by others.
- 3. TABLE OF CONTENTS 2. TABLE OF CONTENTS 3. MISC. PIC’S 4. LETTER FROM THE PUBLISHER 5. UFO’S 6. FROM THE EAT’N’PARK JOURNALS. 7/8. YER MOM. 9. EXPLANATION OF TIME AND DIMENSIONS. 10. MISC. PIC’S 11. LETTERS FROM OUR READERS. 12. O.J. PHOTOS. 13. RAMBLINGS. 14. LAST PAGE PHOTO.
- 4. MOVIES Left: Gil Gerard stars as Buck Rogers, with Erin “I’d still do her” Grey in the run-away smash hit “Uncle Buck.” Left: Princess Leia (Carrie “I’d still do her” Fisher) and Han Solo (Harrison Ford) share top secret information in the summer disappointment “Cabin Boy.”
- 5. A NoTe FrOm OuR PubLiSheR Welcome to the very first ever issue of “The Door From Hell.” If you’re wondering where the name came from, well, it was the title of one of the very first films I ever made, with my good friend Matt Fuller. It was a horrifying story of a door that kills people. I mean, sure, that’s possible, right? Wouldn’t you get pissed off too if you just had to stand there all day getting your knob fondled by every person that goes by? Ok, well, sure, it sounds fine at first, but I think it would get really annoying really quick-like. ANYHOW, the goal of the folks here at “Door from Hell” is to bring you the weirdest things we can. Some might be real, some might be fake, hopefully you’ll learn something either way. Send us letters, and money, and pictures of yourself naked, and we’ll continue to bring you the most obnoxious stuff we can find, and possibly school you in the ways of the unknown, and hopefully not get sued in the process. - ED BURTON Publisher This is a picture of Tom Baker, (Dr. Who) not our beloved publisher. Photo courtesy of STARLOG
- 6. UFO Pic’s Above and left: Clear evidence that UFO’s do exist. These photos were taken by high ranking members of society. They do not appear to be altered, or fakes.
- 7. FROM THE EAT’N’PARK JOURNALS Eat’n’Park. The spot on the Busy. Oi. I’ve been in this “Explanation of Time and spot for close to an hour Dimensions Chart” that is now. Nothing exciting has always constant. Its the happened. Ahhhhhhhh.... “Safety zone” to escape from coffee has kicked in!! time. Once inside, Time will No..longer..able..to sit stop. Its the dumpster on ...still...!!! No more patience the Path. It moves along with with this writing you. Everyone. Everyone has nonsense!Getting close to the Eat’n’Park. They stop in, jittery! errrr! Need then leave. For others, they calming...only one stop in, and forget. They antidote..but no! ARRGHH!!! stay. This place eats their I’m lost. Staring. Fidgetty. sense of time, over a period, Keep checking the door. it may even eat their souls. Why? I don’t know. Sooner or later you are Suddenly want to destroy immune to events outside things. Energy. I am Energy- Man. Stand aside evil wrong of Eat’n’Park. There is only doers. My energy will the “Park.” And now I am dominate. My secret super here. Lost. Floating. I need serum - caffeine! Caffeine to find my footing again. makes my mind working in Girl. Girl in front of me. impossible ways. To think Back to me. Don’t turn the unthinkable, to dream around. I’m not interested. the impossible..hmmm..need Must appear busy. more coffee. END 2.25.97 10:35pm
- 8. Rare Photo of your Mom
- 9. The Explanation of Time and Dimensions
- 10. MUSIC Above: Members of Oasis,at the Justice of the Peace, where they were all married to each other. Left: Garbage performs for local teamsters.
- 11. This is where the Letters from our Readers would go, but this is the first issue, so there aren’t any readers at this point. Well, other than me. I’m the proofreader. I read everything. So I guess I could send in a letter. I would say, this piece of crap is not worth wiping your ass with. Its full of horse-shit. The articles are not informative, or interesting at all. The only good thing is that the words are all spelled write. well, at leest thay were when I cared. I doant give a rat’s ass anymore about this rag, i’ve been waiting for a raise four like, 5 months now, adn haven’t seen jack shit. screw this. i’m going to get a job somewhare where i’m appreciated. like, NASA...or a REAL publicashion. i don’t think this damn thing even makes a profit. i’m outta here....- the proof-readre.
- 12. Been Wondering What OJ’s Been Up To Lately?? We Have The Answers. Apparently OJ’s been busy chillin’ with the Goldmans. These pic’s are the proof. It appears Mr. Goldman isn’t really as angry as he would like us to believe.
- 13. The monstrous beast She reaches down and rips lumbered towards the table the man’s head from his of unknowing diners. Four torso and quickly devours to be exact. Sitting together his cranium, like a ripened for approximately five melon. Blood is everywhere. minutes now. They talk The other two customers pleasantly for a time. have decided they’re “Can I get you something helpless at this point, and to DRINK!?” the monster run for the door. They’re bellowed taking all four by fast, but not fast enough. surprise. The server is quickly “Uh, sure,” starts one gaining. I thought fast. customer, “I’ll just have a Glancing at their table i spot coffee.” a knife. I grab the unsharp “Tough shit!” replies the butter knife, and launch it waitress and bites the entire at the creature. It finds its head of the customer clean mark at the back of the off. neck, the base of the skull. “Anyone else?” she snaps, The evil being screeches in whilst blood dribbles from horror, and falls. I walk up the corners of her mouth. to the beast as it flails on the The muffled crunching of floor in a pool of blood, and skull is clearly audible. reach down to retrieve my Horrified, the other three knife. I yank it out and customers jump to attention. proceed to tear through its One man grabs two forks tough flesh, until the head and lunges for the beast. He is completely severed. I then trips over the headless take the head in my hands corpse of his friend and falls, sit down at my table, eat landing at the feet of the it.and leave. No tip was demon waitress. He looks up found at MY table. Fuckin’ at it’s bloody face, to see her waitresses. throw her head back and let END out a deafening bellow.
- 15. Mat Luschek 160 S. Fairmount St. Apt 8 Pittsburgh, PA 15206 WATCH FOR IT!