Issue 12
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This document is the summer 1999 issue of a magazine called The Door From Hell. It contains various articles and sections. All roles in producing and running the magazine are filled by one person, Ed Burton. The issue includes articles on a lake monster called Bessie, how an outhouse works, a profile of porn star Alex Sanders, and more. It also contains letters to the editor, including one signed by "Jezus Christ" praising the magazine.
Issue 12
- 1. July 1999 Vo l . 1 : I s s u e 1 2 SUMMER FUN ISSUE
- 2. OUR STAFF PUBLISHER..................................................ED BURTON PRESIDENT..................................................ED BURTON VICE PRESIDENT..........................................ED BURTON PHOTOGRAPHY.............................................ED BURTON REPORTER....................................................ED BURTON WRITER.......................................................ED BURTON GRAPHICS....................................................ED BURTON SECURITY....................................................ED BURTON ANIMAL TRAINER........................................ED BURTON SPECIAL EFFECTS.........................................ED BURTON PROMOTIONS...............................................ED BURTON KING..........................................................ED BURTON KEY GRIP....................................................ED BURTON ASSISTANT TO MR. BURTON..........................ED BURTON SCOUT.........................................................ED BURTON MOST LIKELY TO GET SUED...........................ED BURTON CAPTAIN OF THE USS ENTERPRISE........................................JAMES T. KIRK LEADER OF THE AUTOBOTS..........................................OPTIMUS PRIME SIDEKICK TO SIMON.................................GARFUNKEL Thanks to My ass for providing my lower back with a cushion every damn day of my life. Copyright 1999 The Door From Hell All Rights Reserved. Some photos have been taken from other places, and are copyrighted by the places they were stolen from.
- 3. TABLE OF CONTENTS 1...........................................People in Charge of Something 2....................................................................Table of Contents 3....................................................................The Shaft Page 4...............................................................Power Pac 5...........................................................The Science Page 6.............................................................................Monster 7/8.......................................................... ...............Centerfold 9...............................................More That Meets the Eye 10................................................American Icon Returns 11................................................................White Trash 12...............................................Letters From Our Makers 13.....................................................Capo Crunch Pt II 14.....................................................The Last Page HEY! From here on in, if you want to continue getting this fine publication, you’re gonna have to send me stamps. Send as many stamps for as many issues you want. So like, if you send 3 stamps, I’ll send you 3 issues. Thanks. (those that have sent stamps already, I’M KEEPING TRACK!
- 4. THE PAGE Hardcore's answer to Fabio, Alex Sanders is a well-muscled and athletic young stud whose mane of long, curly blonde hair makes him one of the more instantly recognizable of hardcore hunks. He's always ready for action and is known as one of the most reliable male performers in the business. He can keep it going for as long as it takes, and can then step into the very next scene without missing a beat. Alex's studly appeal and tireless porno work ethic have made him one of the most prolific male stars of the 90's. He's appeared in over 500 features since his 1993 debut. He shines in any type of s e x u a l situation, from romantic one-on-one encounters to supercharged group scenes. In fact, he's won a pair of AV N B e s t Group Sex S c e n e awards, for his work in ALEX SANDERS 1994's 'Pussyman #05' . A decent actor in his own right, Alex has also picked up an AVN Best Supporting Actor nod for his work in 'Dear Diary,' a feature that he also wrote. During the past few years, Alex has turned his talents to producing, writing and directing sexvids. He shows a good eye for female passion in all of his features, and he promises to be one of themore exciting hardcore filmmakers of the next few years. But it's Alex's sterling sexual performances that have gotten him to where he is, and he has no plans to ease up on the throttle any time soon.
- 5. Pac Man champion Billy Mitchell Jr., shown Wednesday, July 14, 1999, in Dania, Fla., has scored a perfect game on the video game. Mitchell has accomplished a feat no other video game player has before. He has played the perfect Pac-Man game. The father of three become the first person in the world to master the game on Fourth of July weekend at a New Hampshire arcade, something that game experts call a one in 10 billion phenomenon AP 1999
- 6. HOW AN OUTHOUSE WORKS 1. After a hearty meal of chitlins, the backwoodsman usually visits the outhouse. where the poop falls from the back woodsman’s ass. 2. The poop goes throught the seat part of the hole. and down into the ground. 3. The poop piles up until it nearly reaches the top, then the hole is filled in, and a new one is built. Ed Burton Graphic
- 7. Bessie the Lake Erie Monster Two brothers named Dusseau, both Lake Erie throws our Lake Champlain sea fishermen, were returning from these fishing serpent into the shade with this monster, grounds, when they discovered a alleged to have been seen one day last phosphorescent mass upon the beach. It week near Toledo, by two French fishermen. was late in the evening, but they succeeded Their serpent had arms width it flourished in making their boat fast to the shore, and in the air. It emitted a its whole body, and upon examination discovered a lake left signs of its presence on the shore, in monster the shape of scales as big as a county whiskey seems to be a pretty poor facts: article. On page 484 of the "Museum of Natural TOLEDO, Ohio, May 14 - A special from Sciences", under October 1817 we find the Locust Point on the shore of Lake Erie, following references: near here, says: The French settlers along the lake shore, in Erie township, 4. Lake Erie Serpent. It appears that even Ottawa county, a few miles east of here, large lakes have huge serpents or fishes, were surprised and amazed last night over as well as the sea. On the 7th July, unknown fish of mammal size. Two brothers 1817, one was seen in lake Erie, 5 miles named Dusseau, both fishermen, were from land, by the crew of a schooner, which returning from these fishing grounds, when was 30 or 40 feet long and one they discovered a phosphorescent mass fourth in diameter; its colour was a dark upon the beach. It was late in the evening, mahogany, nearly black. This account is but they succeeded in making their boat very imperfect, and does not even notice fast to the shore, and upon examination if it had scales; therefore it must remain discovered a lake monster writhing in agony. doubtful whether it was a snake or a fish. The brothers say that was like a large I am inclined to believe it was a fish, sturgeon in shape, but that it had long arms, until otherwise convinced; it might be a which it threw wildly in the air. While they gigantic species of eel, or a species of the were watching it the great fish apparently above gnus Octijvos. Until seen again, died, and the Dusseau boys, badly and better described, it may be recorded frightened, hurried away for aid. When they as a gigantic eel. returned with ropes the fish had disappeared. In its dying efforts, it had 5. The Water-Snake of Lake Erie has been succeeded in tumbling into the lake and seen again, and described to be of a copper had been carried away by the waves. The colour; with bright eyes, and sixty marks on the beach indicate that the feet long. It is added, that at a short distance serpent was between twenty and thirty feet (musket) balls had no effect on him, but it in length. Several scales as large as silver is omitted to mention whether it was dollars, which were believed to be the owing to having lizard scales (in which monsters, were picked up. case it might be a real snake of the genial Enhydris or Pelamis) or to the poor aim of There is a continuous operation set up to the marksman. spot and video tape Bessie. If you live near, or on the Lake, and have evidence, call the On page first page of the Burlington Free BESSIE HOT LINE Press and Times, May 16, 1887 we find 1-888-596-9226 the following article. http://www.shadowmag.com/bessie/
- 9. FLUSHICUS TRANSFORMER HERO: FLUSHICUS TRANSFORMS FROM A BAD ASS CRIME FIGHTING ROBOT INTO WET ASS URINE SAVING BEDPAN. (ALSO AVAILABLE WITH A HANDLE.) FROM HASHBRO
- 10. Kennedy Found!! We all felt that same sinking feeling MTV is for “Man” THE Man) At last when Dan Rather announced that our collective sphincters can relax just Kennedy’s plane disappeared. But we knowing our fire headed beauty is had hope. After back where she belongs, and not a few days, the lunch for a hungry moray eel at the hope seemed to bottom of her watery grave. dissipate. We could hardly keep the waterworks learned to deal from over flowing as he announced with our pain. to the world the happy news, late last First denial, then night. sadness, then “Kennedy has been found.” he anger. Finally we snuffled, “America is once again at managed to peace.” move on from When asked about her ordeal, the daily Kennedy said, “it was a horrible reminders the KENNEDY terrible trauma, I may never get over. news showered The new Limp Bizkit song isn’t even us with. We eventually forgot about as bad as what I went through.” the missing Kennedy. Until one day. Apparently Kennedy’s plane crashed The day we thought was to never exist. just south of Fantasy Island, where it was spotted by Herve Villichez. He Yesterday a group of punker kids in sent an SOS quickly to the Coast Daytona Beach spotted Kennedy Guard and three villagers managed to blabbering some gibberish into a mic pull Kennedy out of the plane right in front of Jimmy’s Beach Shack, and before it sank. (un)Fortunately Jesse tossing out MTV t-shirts. Kennedy Camp went down with the wreckage, was screaming some Republican but no one felt the need to search for rubbish about Al Gore being a robot, his body. and how Rollins is gay, but even with “He was a waste of flesh anyway” all this spewing out of her mouth, we said Kennedy when asked about can now all let out a sigh of relief, Camp. “The only bad thing about his and our hearts jump. Let them jump sinking is the big oil slick that’s gonna like they yearn to. Our hero is back. be everywhere from his greasy ass America’s Conservative Princess has head.” come home. Thank you God. Oh how Kennedy plans on Living la Vida we missed those stupid glasses, that Loca for the rest of the summer in the don’t seem quite as stupid now. How MTV beach house in Ft. Lauderdale, we missed her obnoxious whining, then returning to New York in the fall every 10 minutes, promoting the latest for the new season of Celebrity Death corporate rock bands, and the popular Match. entertainment network “the Man” has provided for us. (after all the “M” in
- 11. Garbage Pail Kid of the Month Name: Junkfood John Twin: Ray Decay Number: 2a/2b (First Edition)
- 12. LETTERS FROM OUR READERS Dear Door From Hell, I just love your magazine! Great title, and i love it when you have nudie pics of girls with tattoos. I gave you ladies the technology for this sort of thing, why don’t more of you have ‘em?? Only tattooed girls get to heaven. The Shaft Page is great as well. I wish I had your editors around when I was in the planning stages of the Bible. Man, I would have most definitely had more psalms with the word “shaft” it ‘em. perhaps when I put out the special edition with George Lucas, I’ll have you guys get involved, just as long as you don’t piss me off. Speaking of that special edition, do you think I can get Lucas to let me use the Light and Magic place? He’s come up with some pretty good stuff there. Things I couldn’t even think of. Its too bad he made that fuckin’ Jar Jar thing. I may have to send him to Hell for that one. Well, he’s got 2 more flicks to redeem himself. Anyhow, I just wanted to drop you a line and tell you to keep up the good work, I’m warmin’ up a seat here to my right, just for the Door From Hell, when the time comes. Later on bee-otches.. - Jezus Christ (I’m tryin’ to be more hip, so I changed that one “S” to a “Z” whatta ya think?) THANKS JEZUS. I LIKE THE “Z” PROBABLY SHOULD KEEP THAT. ESPECIALLY WHEN THE NEW BOOK COMES OUT. TRY NOT TO HAVE TOO MANY CG CHARACTERS THOUGH. MAYBE JUST MOSES. SAY ‘HI’ TO THE JFK’S, AND DI FOR ME.
- 13. Talk like a capo (H-Z) hard-on with a suitcase: mob lawyer; problem: A liability, someone likely to be feminine: half a hard-on with a suitcase. whacked. hot place: a location suspected of being the rat: a member who violates Omertá; target of law enforcement or surveillance. synonyms: squealer, canary, snitch, stool pigeon, yellow dog. ice: to murder; see burn. shylock: see loanshark joint, the: prison; synonyms: the can, the pen, go away to college. sit-down: a meeting with the Family administration to settle disputes. loanshark: someone who lends mob money at an exorbitant interest rate; a shylock. skim: Tax-free gambling profits, as in the money taken that is not reported to the IRS. made: to be sworn into La Cosa Nostra; synonyms: to be "straightened out," to get skipper: a capo. your button. stand-up guy: someone who refuses to rat make a marriage: to bring two parties out the Family no matter what the pressure, together for legitimate or illegitimate Family offer, or threat. issues. swag: stolen goods, also an acronym for mattresses, hitting the, taking to the: going "stolen without a gun." to war with a rival Family or gang. vig: the interest payment on a loan from a meat eater: a corrupt cop (not exclusively loanshark (short for "vigorish"). Synonym: mobspeak). juice. Mustache Petes: Old fashioned or older vouch for: to personally guarantee--with generation Mafiosi. one's life--the reputation of someone dealing with the Family. nut, the: mobspeak for "the bottom line"; also the gross profit figure. walk talk, take a walk: to conduct a sensitive discussion while striding up and down the Omertá: the code of silence and one of the block to avoid being overheard on those premier vows taken when being sworn into pesky the Family. Violation is punishable by death. eavesdropping devices. off the record: an action taken without the whack: to murder; see burn. knowledge or approval of the Family. Young Turks: Younger, less traditional on the record: an action sanctioned by the generation of Mafiosi. Less likely to live by Family. the old rules. piece: a gun. Zips: American Mafiosi's derogatory term pinched: arrested. for Sicilian Mafiosi. pop: to murder; see burn
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