Revision ChecklistYour name Simone Doyle Date11.docx

Revision Checklist
Your name: Simone Doyle
Date:
1/11/2018
· Outline your essay as it currently stands.
Introduction:
State your attention grabber:
Life as an army brat, I can remember it as if it were yesterday.
There are many things about being a brat that can be rewarding
and also very difficult at times.
State your thesis:
This particular time when we moved back to Germany was a
little harder than any of the pervious moves. I was getting ready
to start at another school this year.
Body paragraph 1:
State your topic sentence:
There are many things about being a military brat that can be
rewarding and also a very difficult at times.

Summarize your evidence/examples:
Traveling a lot, and moving from school to school can make it
difficult to make friends, or even to keep friends. I was a
freshman in high school and this move made it my third high
school in 6 months. Didn’t have the answers, and wasn’t
mentally prepared for what was in store for me.
Body paragraph 2: This paragraph gives a little bit of
background history of where Hanau actually is, and what were
its surrounding areas.
Hanau American High School was located in Hanau, Germany
on a base named Pioneer Kaserne.
Summarize your evidence/examples: What are some of the
other bases around Hanau, what type of military members were
stationed there. A little bit of back ground history on the school
itself.
Body paragraph 3: My life as a Hanau Panther started as I
entered the building still not sure what to expect.
State your topic sentence: I entered the hallways looking for
the counselor’s office to find out what my new schedule was
going to be.
Summarize your evidence/examples: Waited in the counselor’s
office to actually meet my advisor, get my schedule and get the
school map. I had never been in a school this big before.
Body paragraph 4:

State your topic sentence: I would have never thought that
being a student there would have contributed so much to my
life.
Summarize your evidence/examples: I had many ups and downs,
many firsts, some of which included first boyfriend, first dance,
and first football game. As with any firsts, there are also lasts. I
was taught to be successful not only as a student but also as a
person in life.
Conclusion
As a new comer to Hanau High, I was scared, and really didn’t
know how I was going to be treated by the students that were
already there. To my surprise I was accepted as one of them.
Transition word:
How purpose is reemphasized:
I re-emphasized the purpose by summarizing each paragraph
and its relevance to the thesis statement. I also mention that I
hope my essay helped the reader understand more about the
topic I discussed.
· Locate two gaps in the outline where you need to make
connections more clear. See “Is the Paper Coherent?” in Chapter
9, Section 2 of your textbook.
1. The topic sentence for the first paragraph and the second
need to come together a little more.

2. There is a gap between my fifth and sixth paragraph,
somehow I need to bring those together to help with the flow of
the paper.
· How can I make my essay more organized? List two ideas?
1. I think that I need to look at the paragraphs and possibly
move them in a different order, maybe have the opening
paragraph about Hanau in general.
2. My conclusion is two separate paragraphs, I need to try to
combine those and possible leave out repetitive information.
· Where can I add more content? List two ideas. Describe what
you might add.
1. By combining the last two paragraphs and making a stronger
conclusion, this will make the paper have closure. Explaining
that Brats normally stick together.
2. I need to add more details about the friendships that were
created, and how those friends become lifelong friends, and how
those bonds can never be broken.
· List 3 to 5 instructions for improvement provided by your
instructor on your week 1 practice essay
That would also helpful as you revise your week 3 draft.
1. I need to add more detail about the school I attended, add
more information about the friends I made

2. I need to add more dialogs into my paper between myself and
other, which will help get a better feel about how it actually is
to be a brat, and by moving around.
3. The concluding paragraph should relate in some way back to
the thesis statement.
4. The thesis was not fully developed through relevant examples
and evidence.
5. I needed to add additional elements regarding the narrative
writing style, such as dialogue. I have since added dialogue to
improve that.
· List 1 to 3 specific suggestions for improvement provided by
your peers from your week 3 draft that you wish to address.
1. Including more dialogue. I have incorporated that into my
updated rough draft.
2. Incorporating additional descriptive words of the differences
between Puerto Rico and Idaho.

3.
Revision Checklist
Name: Kristen Edwards
Date: January 10, 2018
Introduction:
We have all learned from our failures in life, I know I have
learned an immense amount from every failure I have
encountered.
State your thesis:
While gaining a degree build intellect, going back to college has
not been easy because it take a lot of self-discipline and
motivation.
Body paragraph 1:

As gaining a degree can build intellect within you it can also be
so much more than expanding my horizon intellectually.
Learning more about myself, how my mind works, how to
critically read and write, along with learning how to better self-
analyze.
Body paragraph 2:
Going back to college, after ten years, has not been an easy
task.
To be successful it takes self-discipline and motivation. I failed
the first couple times I attempted college due to procrastination
and lack of motivation. Along with my time management skills
being very poor.
Body paragraph 3:
I know now some courses may not come easy, but they will lead
me to where I
want to be in the long run.
The more difficult courses I will take will expand my learning
and help me more in the long run. The difficult courses I will
take on as a challenge.
Conclusion:
Transition word:

Thus
Thus, I have learned more than I ever thought I would learn
about myself and how to succeed. I have also learned that I will
learn the most within my most difficult task or most
uncomfortable moment. I now know how to better time manage
my studies, how to study more thoroughly and how to be more
self-disciplined. These three little skills will lead me to my
success in gaining my degree and furthering my career.
My purpose was restated by restating my thesis statement within
my conclusion paragraph.
1. The first gap I see is with paragraph 2 and 3. I need better
examples to help the paragraphs flow and connect.
2. The second gap I see is from paragraph 4 to my conclusion. I
need better transition words and sentences to connect these two
paragraphs more efficiently.
· How can I make my essay more organized? List two ideas.
1. I can provide more examples to connect my essay in a more
of a coherent way.
2. I need to use better transition words and sentences
you might add.

1. I need to add more content in describing my journey. More
examples of how I got to where I am from where I was.
2. I also need to add more personal conversations I had that led
me to getting my chance in really succeeding.
instructor on your week 1 practice essay
that would also helpful as you revise your week 3 draft.
1. Adding more narrative content.
2. Give the reader more description.
3. Using the Ashford videos on writing.
your peers from your week 3 draft that you wish to address.
1. Remove the negativity within the essay.
2. Describe more efficiently how I failed.
3. Use more transition words.
· Kristen Edwards
Thursday Jan 11 at 5:01pm
Hello Everyone,I have decided to a little revision to my entire
essay. With some feedback I realize parts of my essay are in a
negative stance in which I want to have a positive stance on. I

have also incorporated more transition words in order to have
my essay flow in a more coherent way. One technique I used
was to give myself time for my essay, to work on this little by
little. Walk away from time to time to have better insight when
I came back to my essay. I also read this essay to a family
member to have insight from someone whom has helped me
through this experience. Attached is ms my revision
checklist.Thank you,Kristen
Manage Discussion Entry
· Go To Topic
Hello Everyone,
I have decided to a little revision to my entire essay. With some
feedback I realize parts of my essay are in a negative stance in
which I want to have a positive stance on. I have also
incorporated more transition words in order to have my essay
flow in a more coherent way. One technique I used was to give
myself time for my essay, to work on this little by little. Walk
away from time to time to have better insight when I came back
to my essay. I also read this essay to a family member to have
insight from someone whom has helped me through this
experience. Attached is ms my revision checklist.
Thank you,
Kristen
C:UsersPAMDocumentskristen_revision_checklist.docx
· Simone Doyle
Thursday Jan 11 at 6:57pm
Hello,After reviewing the checklist, and the feedback that I
have received. I feel as though there are several parts that need
improvements. I need to work on my opening paragraph by
making this stronger it will make a more solid opening
paragraph which may help bring the reader into my essay. This
helps bring a strong foundation to my paper. The body of my
essay needs more dialogue, which will help the reader feel what
I was actually feeling. While completing the checklist, I also
realized that I need to revise my conclusion, the conclusion isn't

exactly what I want it to be. I came to the conclusion that if I
spend a certain amount of time on my paper, and then walk
away, it will help me refocus on my paper. Hopefully bringing
it all together. Thanks Simone
Manage Discussion Entry
· Go To Topic
Hello,
After reviewing the checklist, and the feedback that I have
received. I feel as though there are several parts that need
improvements. I need to work on my opening paragraph by
making this stronger it will make a more solid opening
paragraph which may help bring the reader into my essay. This
helps bring a strong foundation to my paper. The body of my
essay needs more dialogue, which will help the reader feel what
I was actually feeling. While completing the checklist, I also
realized that I need to revise my conclusion, the conclusion isn't
exactly what I want it to be. I came to the conclusion that if I
spend a certain amount of time on my paper, and then walk
away, it will help me refocus on my paper. Hopefully bringing
it all together.
Thanks
Simone
C:UsersPAMDocumentssimone_revision_checklist.docx
Running head: ENG 121 REVISION CHECKLISTS
1
ENG 121 REVISION CHECKLISTS
3
ENG 121 Revision Checklists
Student’s Name
Institutional Affiliation
ENG 121 Revision Checklists

My essay had an introduction, place of the occurrence of the
event, key events of the composition followed by the
description of my immediate and long-term reaction to the
circumstances. The last section was the reflection of events as
depicted in the whole story. Nevertheless, some missing
essential elements make a story fascinating.
The first revision I made was the proper introduction of myself
in the introduction section, which somewhat did not make me fit
perfectly with the events I was describing. I added the catching
phrases as well as well the entire overview of the development.
This will give the reader holistic view of the story.
The second revision of my essay was the proper introduction of
the events in chronological order as well as an appropriate
description of the characters in the circumstances.
Consequently, this made the scene to be a little bit confusing. I
have made set the stage, as well as described the significant
characters thus causing the event to continue.
Using the tips and methods, I have revised the essay by
undoubtedly bring out the critical events in the story by
describing them in detail. I have also incorporated specific
quotes and direct speech. Moreover, I have added the long-term
reaction to the events that occurred in my personal life.
Lastly, I have reflected on the events in detailed, what might
have happened if they never happened and their present effects
on me today as well as the reaction of my friends and family to
my experience.

References
Midgette, E., & Haria, P. (2016). Planning and Revising Written
Arguments: the Effects of Two Text Structure-Based
Interventions on Persuasiveness of 8th-Grade Students’ Essays.
Reading Psychology, 37(7), 1043-1075.
Wei, M. (2017). Strategies for First-Year University ESL
Students to Improve Essay Writing Skills.
Revision Checklist
Your name: Melissa Maclean
Date:
Jan 11, 2018
Introduction:
State your thesis:
Body paragraph 1:

Body paragraph 2:
Body paragraph 3:
Body paragraph 4:
Body paragraph 5:
Conclusion
Transition word:

1. I need to add more dialogue with my children.
2. Eliminate some transitional words that I have used in
between my sentences.
· How can I make my essay more organized? List two ideas.
1. By adding more description in my events will help the outline
of the timeline.
2. Adding more dialogue will make the essay more relatable to
the reader.
you might add.
1. More detail regarding the balance of having a career while
being a parent.
2. More description of my events.

instructor on your week one practice essay
that would also be helpful as you revise your week three
draft.
1.
2.
3.
4.
your peers from your week three draft that you wish to address.
1.

2.
3.
I have always taken advantage of opportunities to learn at home,
at work or at school with the
expectation that one day; I will enroll in a university to acquire
more knowledge in the field of
my career.
Notably, in the modern world, several graduates are joining the
workforce; subsequently, making
the working environment more competitive than ever before.
. In this case, I decided to go back to school too I improve my
credentials and be able to compete
with the other fresh graduates.
Although I have gained experience in my career, it is inadequate
to guarantee job security due to
the competitive state of the job market.
Availability of online degree programs, which have
considerably eased learning while working
was also a significant source of motivation when deciding to go
back to school.
Lastly, like many parents, I decided to go back to school to set
an example and act as a
role model to my children.
, I feel that going back to school is an excellent way to prove to
my children that education is
essential; therefore, motivate them to follow my educational

path.
My going back to school has not been a smooth one.
Despite the challenges, my resolve to achieve a university
degree is still firm, and I feel
that the decision to go ba ck to school was the right and I look
forward to my graduation.
I am aware that these benefits will not occur automatically, and
I will need to continue
improving my skills and acquire more knowledge regarding my
field of career.
Running head: GOING BACK TO SCHOOL
1 I plan to undertake master and doctorate degrees in the line
of my job after completing
mine undergraduate degree in supply chain management.
See if you can expand the idea of setting an example for your
children.
What do your children to say to you as you work hard to
achieve your degree?
what do you say to them?
Add some conversation to your decision to attend college,
either internal or
external.
more details regarding the balance of having a car eer while
being a parent could help outline the
timeline.
more description of key events would add to the intensity
remove some of the unnecessary transitional words between
sentences.
The modern world has several adults who are pursuing
education for various reasons that include
getting a sense of accomplishment, job security, and career
advancement.
I decided to go back to sc hool for self-fulfillment, advance my
career and have better pay,
act as a role model to my children and set their education
standards, and increase my chances of

getting a better and well-paying job as well as rise to the
management levels.
Since my childhood, I have had a dream of achieving the
highest possible level of e ducation
because of my immense passion for learning.

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