Words & music using ei to transform relationships
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The document outlines the role of emotional intelligence (EI) in improving relationships, emphasizing competencies such as self-awareness, respectful listening, and creativity. It discusses the contagious nature of emotions and how positive social interactions can enhance well-being, as well as the impact of trust and effective communication on collaboration. Techniques and practices for developing EI skills are provided, encouraging personal growth through awareness and active engagement in relationships.
Words & music using ei to transform relationships
- 1. Words & Music: Using The Competencies of Emotional Intelligence To Transform Relationships Jude Treder-Wolff, LCSW, RMT, CGP Lifestage, Inc www.lifestage.org www.livesinprogressnewsletter.blogspot.com
- 2. Objectives 1. Describe the competencies associated with emotionally intelligence that power positive change in relationships; 2. Identify the mind and skill set for developing these competencies; 3. Identify techniques that can be used immediately in real time to practice these competencies in relationships;
- 3. Emotional Intelligence is the expression of a rich interplay of conscious feelings, thought-action repertoires, and attitudes “Emotional Intelligence (EI): Our ability to engage our emotionality in effective ways in order to facilitate positive outcomes in our relationships.” Dr. Michael E. Rock. one of a few specialists in the world currently licensed to certify professionals in the understanding of, the statistical research background in, and the interpretation and use of the BarOn EQ-i
- 4. Abraham Lincoln displayed a natural emotional intelligence that is a model for how to engage with others around high-stakes problems After winning the presidency, Lincoln made the unprecedented decision to incorporate his eminent rivals – all with more fame and political experience than he - into his political family. Their presence might have threatened to eclipse him, but “Abraham Lincoln became the undisputed captain of this most unusual cabinet, truly a team of rivals.” Doris Kearns Goodwin, Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln, Simon & Schuster, 2006: xvi
- 5. Relationships and social interactions can be a significant source of stress. Patterns of responses and relationship dynamics tend to show up over and over.
- 6. The skills associated with Emotional Intelligence can be learned. Every day is a new opportunity to practice. “Every response you give to another person involves your intellect and your emotions. The intellect composes the message, and the emotions provide animation and grace. Emotion is to the message what music is to the lyric. Without the tune, who would ever remember the lyric? The skill to combine intellect and emotion in this dramatic and powerful fashion is emotional intelligence, and it possesses the power to elevate even the common exchanges of everyday encounters from the base level of you- and-me to the sublimity of I-and- Thou!” Howard Hopkins, retired teacher, Montreal www.canadone.com/ezine/july04/eq_interview.html
- 7. Everyone can develop these skills. Some people just need more time than others… “I'll give you a winter prediction: It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life.”Bill Murray as Phil Connors in Groundhog Day (1993)
- 8. Same day, different guy “When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter.” Bill Murray as Phil Connors in Groundhog Day (1993)
- 9. Competencies of Emotional Intelligence That Transform Relationships • Self-Awareness and Self-Control – an accurate understanding of how one’s behavior and words affect others • Emotional and inner awareness – an accurate understanding of how one’s emotions and thoughts affect behaviors • Accurate self-assessment of skills and abilities – an honest assessment of strengths and weaknesses • Conscious planning of communication – the ability to be proactive rather than reactive when approaching conversations, with the aim of achieving the best results • Respectful listening – listen deeply and seek to understand what others are saying • Creativity and sense of play – the ability to take one self lightly and engage with serious situations in a creative way Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence, Bantom Dell, 2006
- 10. “What we call society is really a vast network of mutual agreements.” U.S. Senator S.I. Hayakawa “People are embedded in social networks and the health and wellbeing of one person affects the health and wellbeing of others. Human happiness is not merely the province of isolated individuals.” •“Dynamic spread of happiness in a large social network: longitudinal analysis over 20 years in the Framingham Heart Study” British Medical Journal 4 December 2008
- 11. Social networks and relationships change behavior •Every facet of health examined so far appears to “spread” from person to person. •The strength of a network effect depends on the strength of a friendship. •“Friendship as a health factor” Science, Volume 323 23 January 2009, www.sciencemag.org
- 12. Happiness grows or diminishes through network effects • “Clusters of happy and unhappy people are visible in the network, and the relationship between people’s happiness extends up to three degrees of separation (for example, to the friends of one’s friends’ friends). People who are surrounded by many happy people and those who are central in the network are more likely to become happy in the future.” • “People’s happiness depends on the happiness of others with whom they are connected. This provides further justification for seeing happiness, like health, as a collective phenomenon.” • “Dynamic spread of happiness in a large social network: longitudinal analysis over 20 years in the Framingham Heart Study” British Medical Journal 4 December 2008
- 13. Our emotions are impacted by the social environment. And our emotions have an impact on the environment. Human emotions are highly contagious. Seeing others’ emotional expressions – such as smiles or tears - often triggers the corresponding emotional response in the observer. By enhancing the synchrony of brain activity across individuals, emotions may promote social interaction and facilitate interpersonal understanding. •“Emotions promote social interaction by synchronizing brain activity across individuals” Proceedings of the National Academy of Science, May 24, 2012
- 14. Emotions are contagious Research about partners •Researchers recruited Israelis getting past difficult conflict and Arabs for a study in which found that the capacity to subjects read stories about the recover from conflict well suffering of members of their predicts higher satisfaction own groups or that of conflict- and more favorable group members. perceptions of a relationship. •Brain activity in the areas that And the partner of someone respond to emotional pain was who recovers well benefits identical when reading about equally as much. suffering by one's own group or the conflict group. • “Social cognition in members of conflict groups: University of Minnesota (2011, February 14). You benefit if behavioural and neural responses in Arabs, Israelis your romantic partner recovers well from spats. ScienceDaily and South Americans to each other's misfortunes” Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, 2012
- 15. Kindness is catching When we see someone else help another person it gives us a good feeling, which in turn causes us to go out and do something altruistic ourselves A recent study - the first of its kind to systematically The report document this tendency in concluded that human nature - showed that individuals who witnessed kindness has good deeds experienced what “substantial is termed “elevation” – loftiness of thought and implications… for feeling - and were prepared to the health and well- put twice as much effort in helping someone with a being of the tedious task compared with populace.” those who had not seen any •“Elevation Leads to Altruistic Behavior” Psychological altruistic behavior. Science, January 2011
- 16. Fake kindness does not have the same effect as authentic kindness. “This kind of interpersonal behavior cannot, and must not be faked. If you don't have genuine enthusiasm, empathy, and a real desire to make people happy, then your efforts to be contagious will be transparently phony. If you fake it, you won't infect people with happiness -- you'll just make them queasy. Michael Hess, “Contaminate Them With Kindness” MoneyWatch, www.cbsnews.com/8301- 505143_162-57538286/when-its-good-to-go-to-work-contagious/?tag=nl.e713&s_cid=e713
- 17. We send emotional signals in every encounter, and those signals affect those we are with. “The more adroit we are socially, the better we control the signals we send.” Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence, Bantom Dell, 2006
- 18. Self-knowledge is key to social harmony By directly involving themselves in certain situations, individuals high in EI assist other individuals and groups of people to live together with greater harmony and satisfaction. Discovering one's level of EI means knowing whether and how much to be self-reliant in emotional areas, and when to seek others' help in reading the emotional information others are giving. Whether one is high or low in emotional intelligence, is perhaps not as important as knowing that emotional information exists and that some people can understand it. Knowing just that, one can use emotional information, by finding those who are able to understand it and reason with it. • John D Mayer, Emotional Intelligence Index www.unh.edu/emotional_intelligence/index.html
- 19. Positive emotions generate positive interactions The “Broaden-and-Build Theory of Positive Emotions” maintains that unlike negative emotions, which narrow people’s attention and cognitions, positive emotions broaden attention and thinking. Over time, the expansive mindsets triggered by positive emotions help people to discover and build a variety of personal resources— psychological, cognitive, social and physical—which ultimately contribute to well-being. The broaden effect of positive emotions has now been supported experimentally across multiple laboratories.” “The theory states that positive emotions widen people’s outlooks in ways that, little by little, reshape who they are.” Fredrickson, B. L. (2001), “The role of positive emotions in positive psychology: The broaden-and-build theory of positive emotions,” The American Psychologist, 2001 Mar;56(3)
- 20. “The capacity to experience positive emotions may be a fundamental human strength central to the study of human flourishing.” Joy, interest, contentment, and love have the effect of “building” an individual's physical, intellectual, and social resources. Empirical evidence supports this broaden-and-build model of positive emotions, and the implications for emotion regulation and promotion of health and well-being through expanding physical, intellectual and social resources “What Good Are Positive Emotions?” Review of General Psychology 1998 Sept, 2 (3)
- 21. Serious fun: the conditions that foster creativity within groups and teams In tasks that require creativity, or new insights, or new learning, we do better when we are not being evaluated—when we are just playing, not stressed, not afraid of failure. In physically demanding tasks, like lifting heavy weights, and in tedious tasks, like counting beans, we do better when we are being evaluated than when we are not. You can’t be more creative just by trying harder. To be creative, you have to back off of yourself in a way that permits the full engagement of certain unconscious mental processes—processes that generate unusual associations and new ideas. Those unconscious processes work best when you are playing, not when you are striving for praise or some other reward. Amabile, T. (1996). Creativity in context: update to the social psychology of creativity, Boulder, Colo.: Westview Press. Also, Hennessey, B., & Amabile, T. (2010). Creativity. Annual Review of Psychology, 61, 569-598.
- 22. Creativity activates the brain chemistry of reward and achievement “We feel rewarded when we create new objects or actions, and since creativity is based on the decisions made by the creator, the reward system kicks in when we are in control and inventing things that we have thought of ourselves.” •James Zull, “Arts, Neuroscience and Learning,” New Horizons for Learning (March 2005): para. 10. 20 Nov. 2005 www.newhorizons.org
- 23. Create agreements about how to express critical comments. Evaluation, when it is not asked for, and when it has consequences as it does in school, is a threat. It narrows the mind and inhibits the processes of “building up.” It inhibits new learning, new insights, and creative thought—the very processes that some people think school is supposed to promote.” “Unsolicited Evaluation Is The Enemy of Creativity” Creativity Post www.creativitypost.com/psychology/unsolicited_eva luation_is_the_enemy_of_creativity
- 24. Trust is key for judgment, evaluation, and criticism to promote collaboration In order for there to be relevant creative ideas generated in collaborative efforts, there needs to be strong trust and openness among team members. Trust because people are not likely to share alternative points of view or different ideas that others could build on if there is fear of being shot down. Fear is creativity killer number 1. Fear makes us hold back, hesitate, and shuts down the creative problem solving parts of our brains. Doing actions that foster trust within a team can mitigate fears and set the stage for new thinking. Ben Weinlick, “How to Avoid the Wet Blanket Phenomena In Creative Collaborations” www.creativitypost.com Oct. 20, 2012
- 25. Before delivering criticism or expressing disagreement, do a self-check Inept criticism is cited as the greatest reason for conflict on the job – over mistrust, personality conflicts, or disputes over power or pay. If the recipient becomes defensive – makes excuses, evades responsibility or stonewalls discussion of possible solutions to the problems – our delivery of the message may have played a role.
- 26. Reflective Openness Can Transform A Tense Encounter Reflective openness leads to looking inward, allowing our conversations to make us more aware of the biases and limitations in our thinking, and how our thinking and actions contribute to problems” p. 261 “Rather than saying nothing or telling the other person why you think he or she is wrong, you can simply say, That is not the way I see it. My view is, . . . Here is what has led me to see things this way. What has led you to see things differently?” p. 33 Peter Senge, The Fifth Discipline Random House (2006)
- 27. Listening is the first rule for transforming relationships • Accept what is • Accept people as they are • Take in what is being expressed and build on it
- 28. Catch people doing something right Acknowledge a person’s effort for a task; be specific in your praise. Rather than say “you’re doing great” say “what you’re doing is great because you take such consistent action” “12 Most Timeless Principles for Bringing Out the Best in People” http://12most.com/2011/08/22/12-timeless-principles-bringing-people
- 29. Transform relationships by: • Encouraging others to share their perceptions, thoughts and feelings; • Being receptive to others’ narratives as valid and openness about our own; • Being conscious about how evaluative, judgmental or critical feedback is delivered; • Listening rather than assume what others’ motivations are; • Bringing our best game to each interaction and taking responsibility for what we inject into the dynamic; • Recognizing and seeking to understand the roots of strong emotional reactions
- 30. “Neurons that fire together, wire together” Dr. Dan Siegel • This training includes experiential exercises that demonstrate these principles and provide an immediately useful repertoire of techniques for applying them in daily life at home and work. To discuss a training for your staff, group or conference contact Jude Treder-Wolff at 631-366-4265 or lifestage_2000@yahoo.com