2019 open table training

Editor's Notes

• #5: Aged out 16 years old, started college: brain-smart but no common sense Common sense isn’t born to you – it’s something somebody TEACHES you or that you LEARN over time And I had just suddenly gone from TOTAL RESTRICTION to TOTAL FREEDOM Age 17 – “Janice” – rescue her, save her (not uncommon II bio-mom, siblings) No one told me the AIRMASK analogy It was like I was DROWNING and trying to keep other people afloat (taking care of myself felt “selfish” at the time) Age 19 – still in college, switching majors Great circle of friends – Methodist dorm – weren’t stealing money from me
• #6: Fast-forward a couple years: At what point was I a statistic? And when did I become a survivor?
• #11: Foster Care Alumni of America has created an ongoing Postcard Project, in which postcards are created by people in and from foster care. As we build the foster care alumni movement, we are constantly discovering that - regardless of age, ethnicity, geography, education, occupation, or placement history - as alumni of the foster care system we have a great deal in common – and what we share is the culture of foster care. During this presentation, we will be sharing some of those postcards. These postcards clearly illustrate the stigma of foster care.
• #12: On your tables are index cards. Do not write your name on them. Please write down: What’s the worst thing you ever did as a teenager? When you are finished, turn them in. We want to credit this wonderful workshop activity to Michael Sanders, a national advocate for youth who was one of the founding members of the Ohio chapter of Foster Care Alumni of America.
• #13: The language used in case files about children is hurtful and offensive. If it cannot be changed, then we should teach foster parents and social workers how to interpret it.
• #14: Before making judgments and stereotypes about foster children, it can be valuable to step back and consider the context of behavior. This does not mean forever making excuses. Each one of us can still be challenged to grow. But thinking about the context makes us compassionate instead of judgmental. It makes us perceptive, rather than small-minded.
• #15: When you first came into this room, you picked a place for yourself and made it your own. You might have sat near a friend or co-worker.Some people like to sit at the front of the room, while others like to sit near the back. But you like having that choice. Let’s say that you really liked the person sitting next to you. Maybe you really wanted to get to know them. Well, now you are sitting way across the room from them, so perhaps you might try to catch them during the break. But otherwise you have missed your chance. If we kept making you change seats over and over again, you wouldn’t even try to attach to the person next to you. You might roll your eyes to express your frustration. But there would be no point trying to bond because you would know that I was getting ready to make you move anyway. Foster care comes with a recurring experience of displacement, which causes us to feel that we are ultimately and truly alone in the world: “The more I moved around, the more I felt like I could just walk away from something if there was a problem… What was the point of getting attached to anybody, if I was going to be moving soon?”
• #16: Foster children are spending their formative years in a state of instability and insecurity.Adults cope with impermanence by building on a previously-built sense of self-reliance and by anticipating and planning for a time of greater constancy. Children, on the other hand, have limited life experience on which to establish their sense of self.An adult experiencing a time of chaos can think back to a time of stability in the past in order to anticipate and plan for stability in the future. For a child, everything is now. Power is in the hands of adults
• #17: Early development assumes the environment into which an infant is born will not change significantly over the span of her lifetime. Ideally, that environment would be stable and safe. A child would be assured of protection and love The growing child will be given words to describe his/her emotions. This child would learn to identify feelings when experiencing them, and think about how to respond to that emotion. But what the first relationships of a child's life are broken? What if a child's safety and well-being are seriously threatened? - What if is an external threat that seems frightening and insurmountable? Brain Development1.) Anatomic brain structures that govern personality traits, learning processes and coping with stress and emotions are being established, strengthened and made permanent. If unused, these brain structures atrophy.2.) Nerve connections and neurotransmitter networks that are forming during these critical years are influenced negatively by lack of stimulation, child abuse and violence within the family.Emotional Development1.) The ability to attach emotionally. Paramount in the lives of children is the need for continuity with primary caregivers and a sense of permanence.To develop into a psychologically healthy human being, a child needs to have a stable relationship with at least one adult who is nurturing and protective and who fosters trust and security.This process is called attachment. It forms the basis for life-long relationships. Attachment is an active process: it can be secure or insecure. Attachment to a primary caregiver is necessary in order for a child to develop emotional security and a social conscience.2.) Developing a sense of self. Foster children are spending their formative years in a state of instability and insecurity.Adults cope with impermanence by building on a previously-built sense of self-reliance and by anticipating and planning for a time of greater constancy. Children, on the other hand, have limited life experience on which to establish their sense of self.An adult experiencing a time of chaos can think back to a time of stability in the past in order to anticipate and plan for stability in the future. For a child, everything is now. Power is in the hands of adults.
• #18: One roadblock to resiliency is that foster care youth have learned – repeatedly – that is is safest to depend only on themselves, and to NOT emotionally connect to others.
• #20: Network of Emotional Support for Adolescents Relationships can be destructive -- but they can also be restorative. Problems that were created through damaging relationships can be resolved through healing relationships. RESTORATIVE RELATIONSHIPS Offer the opportunity to: ￭ Rewrite the scripts of your life ￭ Put in a new storyline ￭ Seek out people who want the best for you ￭ Discover who you really are
• #21: Throughout our lives, we are connecting and reconnecting with community. If you or I moved to a new city tomorrow, we’d need to adjust to a new workplace, new neighbors, and a new circle of friends. Every year, 20,000 foster children "age out” of foster care, and enter the adult world. Lacking the "roots" relied upon by young people from intact families, foster care youth need to build the skills to create and recreate support systems of our own.   Lisa Dickson designed this Circle of Restorative Relationships as a tool to coach young people to build (and rebuild) a circle of connections throughout their lives. It’s sort of like that Sprint commercial: “Who’s in your circle?” During a youth panel at the 2006 Casey It's My Life conference, young people said that they needed an entire network of connections, and not just one person. If they have only one person in their lives whom they can depend upon, and that person disappears, they will be left adrift and abandoned. We can help by identifying key figures in a young person’s life, and facilitating the building of future relationships.
• #23: 75% percent of children in foster care in the United States have a sibling who is also in care.   Research demonstrates that the sibling bond is stronger between brothers and sister from dysfunctional families.   When parents are neglectful or abusive, older siblings often voluntarily take on a quasi-parental role.   In abusive and/or neglectful families, it is common for siblings to nurture and protect one another. “They learn very early to depend on and cooperate with each other to cope with their common problems.”
• #24: Asks audience what role they played in their sibling group (if they had siblings) and what only their siblings might know. Quote from Time Magazine article: The New Science of Siblings: “From the time they are born, our brothers and sisters are our collaborators and co-conspirators, our role models and cautionary tales, our protective barrier against family upheaval. They are our scolds, protectors, goads, tormentors, playmates, counselors, sources of envy, objects of pride. They teach us how to resolve conflicts and how not to; how to conduct friendships and when to walk away from them. Sisters teach brothers about the mysteries of girls; brothers teach sisters about the puzzle of boys. Our spouses arrive comparatively late in our lives; our parents eventually leave us. Our siblings may be the only people we'll ever know who truly qualify as partners for life.”
• #25: During Foster Care Month 2008, a statewide panel of young adults with foster care and adoptee experiences all agreed that the Family Tree Assignment was the most painful assignment that they had to do in school. When families break down, relationships become complex and complicated. Sibling relationships might include biological siblings who were relinquished or removed at birth, half-siblings, step-siblings or current/former foster siblings. Not all couples are married, so a sibling could include: "Mom's ex-boyfriend's daughter."
• #26: When families break down, relationships become complex and complicated. Sibling relationships might include biological siblings who were relinquished or removed at birth, half-siblings, step-siblings or current/former foster siblings. Not all couples are married, so a sibling could include: "Mom's ex-boyfriend's daughter." This diagram illustrates sibling shared experiences: (created by Lisa) Shared biology Shared memories Shared history Common identity
• #28: A roundtable of “experts,” convened by Casey Family Services and the Annie E. Casey Foundation defined permanence as ‘having an enduring family relationship that is safe and meant to last a lifetime, offers the legal rights and social status of full family membership, provides for all levels of a young person’s development and assures lifelong connections to extended family, siblings, other significant adults, family history and traditions, race and ethnicity, culture, religion and language.”   Those are very lofty goals. It’s almost as if a group of people who emerged from a “normal” family looked at everything that they had, and said, “Yes, we want foster care youth to have that.” So, they set that as the standard, after taking upon themselves the responsibility to define what that standard is.  
• #29: It is important to note that the child welfare system and youth define permanency differently. Focus groups of foster youth facilitated by the Urban Institute and those set up by the California Youth Connection received similar response.   Some youth referred to permanency as a physical or concrete entity. They said things like: “Staying in one place” and “Not having to move” and “A place to stay until you age out.”   Other young people said, “No, it’s more than a place to live. It’s that feeling of connection.” They defined permanency as an emotional commitment from other people.   One young man described the concept of permanency as being like a permanent marker; he said, “If you draw on the paper, that mark ain’t going nowhere. The paper may go somewhere or it could be picked up, but the mark ain’t going nowhere.” This is a great image. Think about the people who have made an indelible mark upon your life. Not all of them were connected to you by blood, birth or legal contract. Broadening Our Definition of PermanencyWe live in a pluralistic society, where the word ‘family’ can be defined in many ways. Perhaps the definition of permanency from that roundtable was more than just lofty… maybe it was limiting, too.I would ask the experts: "Is it a nuclear family that we are trying to accomplish, and is anything less a failure? Are we engaging in partisan politics? Or are we trying to lay a foundation that will lead to lifelong emotional resiliency?"Foster care alumni often report finding their first experience of “permanency” through friendships and mentoring relationships. A FosterClub intern from Michigan reported finding permanency through her involvement with the Jim Casey Youth Opportunities Initiative, which she described as being an ‘emotional parent’ in her life.The way I see it, the choice is simple: We can keep defining what permanency should look like for a young person and forcing it upon them. Or we can listen to the young people themselves. Because for a researcher, this is an outcome. For a staff person, this might be a job performance issue. But for a young person in foster care, this is their life.
• #30: Permanency PactYouth transitioning from foster care are often unsure who they can count on for ongoing support. Many of their significant relationships with adults have been based on professional connections which will terminate once the transition from care is completed. It is critical to the youth’s success to identify those adults who will continue to provide various supports through and beyond the transition from care. Clarifying exactly what the various supports will include can help to avoid gaps in the youth’s safety net and misunderstandings between the youth and the supportive adult(s).Suggested Supports include: a home for the holidays, a place to do laundry, emergency place to stay, food/occasional meals, care package at college, employment opportunity, job search assistance, career counseling, housing hunt, recreational activities, mentor, transportation, educational assistance, relationship counseling, assistance with medical issues, storage, motivation, someone to discuss problems with, a phone to use, a computer to use, clothing, spiritual support, legal advise, etc.Copies of the Permanency Pact for each of the adults who has indicated a willingness to provide support should be made for the youth and placed in the Health and Education Passport, a document distributed to youth when they age out of care.
• #31: It is critical to the youth’s success to identify those adults who will continue to provide various supports through and beyond the transition from care. Clarifying exactly what the various supports will include can help to avoid gaps in the youth’s safety net and misunderstandings between the youth and the supportive adult(s). Permanency PactYouth transitioning from foster care are often unsure who they can count on for ongoing support. Many of their significant relationships with adults have been based on professional connections which will terminate once the transition from care is completed. It is critical to the youth’s success to identify those adults who will continue to provide various supports through and beyond the transition from care. Clarifying exactly what the various supports will include can help to avoid gaps in the youth’s safety net and misunderstandings between the youth and the supportive adult(s).Suggested Supports include: a home for the holidays, a place to do laundry, emergency place to stay, food/occasional meals, care package at college, employment opportunity, job search assistance, career counseling, housing hunt, recreational activities, mentor, transportation, educational assistance, relationship counseling, assistance with medical issues, storage, motivation, someone to discuss problems with, a phone to use, a computer to use, clothing, spiritual support, legal advise, etc.Copies of the Permanency Pact for each of the adults who has indicated a willingness to provide support should be made for the youth and placed in the Health and Education Passport, a document distributed to youth when they age out of care.
• #32: I like the term "interdependence."Because it's not a question of choosing between permanency and life skills -- our young people need BOTH Goal: To create/maintain meaningful connections for youth (Erikson Stage 6: Intimacy vs. Isolation) Otherwise, youth age out with no reliable adults to advise them or provide emotional support, so when they make a mistake, its life altering, and they nothing to fall back on. A mentor would be nice….
• #34: Wouldn’t it be great if we planned for these things ahead of time. It’s wise to have an exit strategy. One tool = a 90-day exit plan. Its definition and purpose
• #35: Preparing youth for the future – this is not an OPTION, this is FEDERAL LAW The Fostering Connections to Success and Increasing Adoptions Act of 2008 outlines federal requirements regarding essential elements to be covered in the development of a 90-day transition plan.
• #36: The plan shall include information regarding: (WHITEBOARD ACTIVITY) Post-Emancipation Services (if available) Healthcare; insurance, power of attorney Higher Ed; secondary, post-secondary Housing; obtaining, paying for Budgeting; credit report Selective Services (males must register) Existing Court Fees (preexisting) Existing Benefits; i.e. Social Security
• #37: Youth Access to Vital Documentation The Fostering Connections to Success and Increasing Adoptions Act of 2008 outlines federal requirements regarding essential elements to be covered in the development of a 90-day transition plan. Both federal law and Ohio Administrative Code require that prior to the youth’s emancipated from foster care, they need to receive ORIGINALS (not copies) of these three documents. What Other Documentation Might Help? Letter of Verification of Dependency Immunization records Free credit report (www.annualcreditreport.com) Tribal information when applicable Death Certificates of parents, when applicable Information on registering to vote Information to males to sign up for the selective services (30 days prior to 18 or 30 days after 18) Information on any existing court fees associated with the youth’s name prior to emancipation.
• #38: NAME THAT RESOURCE – each logo represents an existing resource OR funding stream
• #39: The pre-frontal cortex, which handles reasoning, grows during the pre-teen years. But it is pruned back during adolescence, increasing impulsive, risk-taking behavior. Adults process decisions using the prefrontal cortex, which responds to situations with rationality and potential consequences in mind. Teens process information with the amygdala – which is the emotional part of the brain.
• #40: Balloon activity
• #41: Consequences and Risks: In general, foster children and foster alumni operate by a different set of rules and consequences. And they have a lot more paperwork!Here are two examples:1. Let's say you're a teenager and you act out. Will you:a.) Be transferred to a totally different place to live?b.) Be grounded for a month? 2. Let's say you're in college and you do a poor job of budgeting. Are you:a.) Now homeless?b.) Able to call Mom or Dad to bail you out?Foster teens in care learn that their mistakes have powerful ramifications. When they enter the adult world, they often don't know all the resources that are available. What they do know, and what I knew at that stage in my life, is that there is no safety net for them. That is a scary way to enter the adult world.
• #42: LISA: Erikson Stage 6: Intimacy vs. Isolation relates directly to the transitional stage of foster care The social task of young adulthood is to create lasting bonds of friendship & love When young people age out of foster care, they are vulnerable. Emotionally abusive relationships might seem familiar. Predators might come to them, offering to help – and then wanting something in return. Or foster care alumni might try to isolate themselves and take on life as a “Lone Ranger.” 1.) Intimacy vs. Isolation: The social task of the young adult is to create strong, long-lasting bonds of friendship and love. Those that fail in this task risk remaining isolated for the rest of their lives. 2.) Research: The ability to relate to other people is affected by personal exposure to trauma. This impact is felt most deeply in an intimate relationship but also has a “ripple effect” that affects every other relationship in that pterson’s life. 3.) Adults with the highest rate of broken relationships are those who shy away from emotional investment, reject any neediness in their romantic partners and withdraw during times of emotional distress. If the very first emotional / physical support systems of your life disappoint you, the logical response might very well be to depend upon yourself. This will often get you through the short-term, and ensure your physical survival.But, if at some point, you want to commit to another person, to love and be loved by them, that might be hard. Because, in loving them, you are vulnerable to them... and that means that since they are human, there will be moments when they disappoint you. And at those times, having them fail you might bring to the surface the memories of every other time that someone from your past has failed you.
• #44: Vietnam War veterans reacted by rolling into a gutter in order to 'take cover' from the sound of a car backfiring. The sound triggered a full-body reenactment of the war experience. The subconscious, automatic response happened when the neural network associated with the trauma of war was triggered.It was not under the veteran's conscious control
• #45: After having suffered a traumatic event, children often believe that if they are careful enough, they will recognize the warning signs and avoid future traumas. It is difficult for a person who is traumatized to learn new things. There is a sense of being scattered, distracted and unable to focus on work or daily activities. Making even simple decisions might seem overwhelming.
• #46: LISA: Traumatic memories are processed and stored differently than memories of ordinary events. "Normal" memories are encoded verbally, and thereby can be verbally communicated to others afterwards. But traumatic memories are experienced as emotions, sensations and physical states. The trauma survivor faces an odd contradiction. The memories are so vivid, rich with emotional and sensory details. Yet it's difficult to put words to these experiences, to make cognitive sense out of them. The phrase "speechless terror" is not a hyperbole; people literally cannot talk when affected in this way. PET scans demonstrate the physiological basis of this phenomenon: during flashbacks, oxygen levels and the verbal centers of the brain are affected.
• #47: LISA: Once again, the human brain is a remarkable thing. In the midst of chaos, the body goes into survival mode.   But when a young person finds a place of stability and safety – perhaps they’ve been adopted – or attached to a staff person at a particular group home – or are in college and staying at a college dorm – these memories begin to resurface.   This is a healthy thing – the brain wants to deal with them. But this is also a scary thing, if the young person doesn’t know what it happening. (Amanda story)
• #48: This diagram, created by Lisa Dickson, illustrates personal boundaries. Foster care youth are at risk of over-sharing and under-sharing personal information.   During Ohio’s 2007 Independent Living conference, one young person pointed out: “Whenever I get a new social worker, I have to tell them my whole life story. That doesn’t reinforce good boundaries. Especially because I know nothing about him or her.”   For this reason, FCAA Ohio facilitates role-plays to help youth practice healthy boundaries.
• #49: forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation Share Saturday, August 11, 2007 at 7:14pm | Edit Note | Delete I started writing this as a response to a note on my friend's page -- and then discovered that I felt so passionate about it that I wanted to share it with everyone:   People often think that forgiveness and reconciliation are the same thing. But they aren't.   To forgive is: To renounce anger and resentment against another person for an offense perpetrated by that other person.   To reconcile is: To reestablish a close relationship between those two people.   1.) FORGIVENESS takes one person: Forgiveness is not an easy thing to do. It's not a feeling, it is a choice you make to free yourself from anger and bitterness. Forgiveness is a wise choice, and I am happy to have made it in my life.   2.) RECONCILIATION takes two people: You can only make choices for yourself. If you have done everything in your power to restore the broken ties and they have chosen not to have the privilege to be in your life - that is their loss.   If the other person is abusive or in deep denial, saying things like "You are not my daughter" or "None of those things ever happened to you" then reconciliation might not take place. Their actions and their choices might be showing you that they are a destructive influence on your life. And you have every right to protect yourself from people like that.Part of being an adult is deciding whom you will let into your world.   MY EXPERIENCE: When I approached my father to forgive him and try to make peace after I aged out of foster care, he rejected me.   I can still remember his exact words: "Lisa, I'd like to say that I love you - but I don't. Whatever love that I ever had for you has disappeared over the past 10 years and I don't think it's ever coming back."   He continued: "I'd like to say that I love you as a person, but I don't know you very well. So, basically, I don't love you at all."   That conversation took place when I was 19 years old.   WHAT I LEARNED WAS: - Forgiveness is not the same thing as reconciliation. - Forgiveness takes one person and reconciliation takes two. - I can only make decisions for myself.   I had to decide, on my own, that I was love-worthy and deserved better than his rejection.   And if I had never come to that personal realization of my own worth, I wouldn't be where I am today:   - Married - Happy - Stepmom of the two best daughters ever - Advocating for people in and from foster care   LONGING: You want your dad (or mom) to be there. That is a natural longing. The other person just might never be capable of living up to your expectations.   It's not that your expectations are wrong -- it's that the other person is broken.   Maybe you will find a father-figure in someone else or... maybe you won't. In my life, some men who offered to serve as substitute "father-figures" ended up being rather perverse - sorry, but it's true. They probably started out with good intentions, and then digressed. You might not find the love you wanted in the first place from the person you wanted it from -- but you can and will find love.   THE BOTTOM LINE IS: Other people's decisions are not a reflection of you.   If someone doesn't love you, or doesn't know how to love you, that doesn't mean that you are an unloveable person.   All people have their personal limitations. I, personally, am not good at Algebra. And some parents seem incapable of love.   But you are a loveable person. Period.   That's the truth that was freeing for me, and I hope it rings true for you also.
• #50: LISA:
• #51: Don't tell me that it never happened - because it did Share I can’t tell you how many foster care alumni have come to me and told me about this type of experience:   After being reunited with a parent, a young person might try to tell mom or dad what happened during their time in foster care. Or a young person might say, “Remember that guy you were dating before I left home? Did I ever tell you that he touched me when you weren’t around?”   More often than not, the biological parent will respond, “I don’t want to hear about it.”   Why? Because hearing what happened to their child when that parent was unable or unwilling to care for them sounds like an indictment. They don’t want to look at it. They don’t want to face up to their responsibility in abdicating care for their child.   This is an example of COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.   Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term describing the uncomfortable tension that may result from:   - Having two conflicting thoughts at the same time - Engaging in behavior that conflicts with one’s beliefs and self-concept - Experiencing something that conflicts with everything the person previously “knew” about the world   Cognitive dissonance can be defined as “an internal contradiction.” We all want to believe that we are good people. So if we do something harmful to another person, we feel that prick of our conscience. Since we cannot live in a state of “cognitive dissonance” for an extended period of time, we have to somehow make it right in our heads.   Our choice is: - To tell ourselves that what we did wasn’t wrong (denial) - To tell ourselves that they deserved it (excuses) - To confess and admit responsibility (best option)   My father is the perfect example. I rarely saw him during my time in foster care - but when I did, I was always mystified by the fact that he could never look me in the eyes. He always looked away.   Later, when I came to my father as an adult, to try to tell him some of the things that happened, including the fact that I was raped while staying in a group home, he didn’t want to hear about it.   He even went so far as to say, “Lisa, we have no way of knowing whether or not those things ever happened to you.”   I had to raise my eyebrows at that comment. Being the person who experienced those things and survived them, I found it mind-boggling that another person might think that by his denial, he could edit my entire life history, and make those painful experiences no longer exist. I made up my mind at that moment that I wanted to be a person who could face reality, in all its beauty and all its ugliness, and take full responsibility for my actions.   As a stepmother, if I feel that my reaction to something was wrong (like maybe I overreact to something), I will go to my husband and stepdaughters and apologize. I will not make excuses for myself — I will just call it what it is: “I have a big mouth sometimes,” and strive to do better.  
• #52: Don't tell me that it never happened - because it did Sadly, cognitive dissonance can occur in the minds of abuse victims as well. When a parent is the perpetrator, rather than the protector, that clashes with everything that a child instinctively knows.   So, might a child be tempted to do? - Tell themselves that what the parent is doing isn’t wrong (denial) - Tell themselves that they deserved it (make excuses for the parent) - Tell themselves that a parent should be protector, and that the fact that theirs is not, is due that parent’s choice and not a reflection of the child’s worth (best option, but it often takes years for an abused child to recognize this)   The first two reactions can lead to both current and future emotional damage: A child experiencing sexual abuse might try to make sense of the experience by equating the act with love. Later, that same child might grow into an adult who expects abuse from his or her partner.   Now that I advocate for young people in and from foster care, it is so easy for me to see that their parents’ action are not a reflection of their worth. But, back when I was still in college, it was hardest of all to see that value in myself. I still remember the moment when I realized that my father’s rejection did not make me unworthy of love. I was reading the quote, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child and I reasoned like a child. When I became an adult, I left childish ways behind me.”   It occurred to me in that moment that if I were ever to grow up, I needed to assert my own worth and not judge myself as unloveable based upon my father’s reaction.   Good Will Hunting Similarly, one scene from the movie “Good Will Hunting“ has resonated with many foster care/child abuse survivors. Robin Williams (playing Sean, a psychiatrist) is counseling Matt Damon (playing Will Hunting) an abused child.