Changing my internal dialogue
- 2. So, this is the easiest and most difficult post to write because it is about me! Oh, the vulnerability :) I want to share why I am so focused on changing my internal dialogue, speaking positively and committed to changing my life.
- 3. I want to live the rest of my life with a purpose, I want to live a life according to how God sees me and what He had & has planned for me. Everyone has ups and downs in life and of course I am no exception, I've pretty much weathered them all, the good and the not so great, until the last nearly 10 years.
- 4. I was thinking about it this morning as I walked along the beach. Like the title of the movie, A series of unfortunate events, That, pretty much feels like my life during this last season.
- 5. There have been great times, but a highlight reel of the not great includes – • Selling our business we grew for 10+ years and OUR lawyer stuffs up a clause and we owe the purchaser money! • Taking a big hit during the Global Financial Crisis
- 6. • Promises of work in the Middle East that didn't materialise • Move back to Australia and pay off debt from the Middle East • Fighting years long battle to adopt • Buy a business & ensure clauses are all in place but still get a major hit financially from previous owners
- 7. • Learn to live with our child who suffers from extreme complex trauma, something I knew nothing about & am still trying to work through • Confused, self loathing, finger pointing (At myself) as to how I couldn't see all that coming and do something, anything to stop or mitigate it!!!!
- 8. Now, again to reiterate, we have had some absolutely magical times during this season as well, the people we met and the friendships we made in the Middle East make my heart sing, I would love to be back there. The travel we got to experience as a family, the different cultures, languages, foods, schools the kids were exposed to.
- 9. The people they are and will grow more into because they have seen so much so young. I am so incredibly grateful for all of that.
- 10. So then, why is it, as I have just listed some great times and honestly that list could go for pages, that my internal dialogue is one of condemnation? Why have I spent more time bashing myself senseless, berating and abusing rather than smiling at the joy we also experienced?
- 11. You know the saying, 99 positive statements, yet we will dwell on the 1 negative one! I am living testament to that for too long. I have realised for quite a while that I was living in blackness (self induced and self perpetuating), yet acknowledging & doing something about have been separate
- 12. issues. Knowing, but have felt powerless to change! Then to add to this dilemma, I have also beaten myself up as I believe in Christ, yet felt I was living a pathetic life, insulting the work He did on the Cross.
- 13. How could I say I believed that He died for me? That He forgives me, that He redeems me, that He brings me into relationship with God, that He is bigger than all my circumstances but still, feel like a small, useless, redundant failure? Isn't that completely contradictory to the faith I confess? Oh, great, something else to condemn me!!
- 14. I got to the point where I was so fed up with me! Tired of perpetual misery, exhausted by the blackness I had allowed to envelope me and my family in. Mortified by the anger, sadness & resignation that this is life, that I saw in my kids - that I had demonstrated to them as a
- 15. way to live... Wrong, so wrong! It had to end. All this year (Actually a huge lie, the last few years) I have really feel God wanting me to pull aside and just be.
- 16. For someone who has their identity attached to working hard, achieving, providing, this is an incredibly difficult position to be put in. With most of my client's being online, I felt so convicted to step away from the striving, that in February I made a very difficult but
- 17. conscious decision to 'Be Still' Psalm 51:10 and hang with God. Since then He has led me to listen to numerous people's teachings, motivational videos, preaching, to various scriptures, but all with the same core message. Change Your Words - Change Your Life.
- 18. I have analysed my internal dialogue (I have been doing this for some years but this time with a deliberateness). I am a firm believer that you have to address the root cause of things before you can move forward completely. I have been addressing issues of my self worth (lack of), my anger, disappointment, regret,
- 19. shame, failings... all the dark and yucky things that have been lurking in my soul. I have been deliberately and consciously (those words again) declaring how God sees me... I am fearfully and wonderfully made, there is a good plan and purpose for my life, I am the head and not the tail. Greater is He who is living in me than he
- 20. who is in the world, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.............. & for me, so importantly I have begun to dream again.... without a vision, the people perish...... I know so, so many people who hurt. People who doubt themselves, people who say & believe the most hideous lies about
- 21. themselves. People who do not know how to get out of the cycle of misery and self loathing, those who don't dare hope, let alone dream anymore. Those who have been hurt so many times, they simply believe that's their lot in life...
- 22. The point of this post is not to elicit sympathy, it is to share that if you are feeling like crap and you're telling yourself that you are worthless, then I understand & you aren't alone. You don't have to stay that way, you can change the conversation you are having with yourself, you can make a change!
- 23. I am writing this now as I am a work in progress, I am not done with this journey, I stumble and old recordings start playing in my mind but now, I am so much faster at telling them to shut up and put on a new tune to sing to!! This is why I am exposing myself because I know it isn't easy and I know there are
- 24. others like me, for whatever their reasons, they are full of doubt and exhausted with themselves. If you don't want to walk alone, join the Facebook group (closed and safe) so we can walk together.... Join Here this is absolutely nothing other than for those of
- 25. us who find strength in journeying together... Graham Cooke God knows there is treasure in each of us and He wants to bring it to the surface. Don’t let your view of the worthless obscure that which is precious about a person.
- 26. Elijah List But the Lord is saying to you, "It is a new season! You have legal authority to let go of the places in the past that have held you back and take possession of the position I am giving you this year. Move into and take up residence in your place of VICTORY. It's already yours – it's been bought and paid for with the Blood of My Son.
- 27. "Don't let the past determine your future. Get comfortable in your new surroundings. Let expectation arise in your heart once again. Let dreams be rekindled by the breath of My Spirit. So, today, sign on the dotted line of the legal document that is already recorded in Heaven and receive ownership of your new house. It is yours, it is waiting for you. WELCOME HOME."
- 28. Diane Fink, Middle East Director Aglow International Hugest, hugest blessings xx Email : Meagan@meaganapaterson.com IG : @meaganpaterson www.meaganapaterson.com Twitter @mawp