Debunking the Myths about Codependency

What is Codependency Really?
Debunking the Myths about Codependence
By Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D.

The term codependency has been around since the
early 1980's. The term was originally used to
spouses of alcoholics and it was found that the
children of alcoholics found themselves in
codependent relationships as adults. We now know
that codependent behavior is a result of the stasis
of normal development in children that causes
adults to form relationships using adaptive
behaviors that helped them survive the limitations
of or dysfunctions in their family system. Research
in the neurobiology of development and
attachment shows us that codependency is a
failure in childhood to establish a secure base in
relationship to a primary caretaker. As a result, we
adopt self‐protective to help us survive our
childhood and continue to use them in our adult
relationships whether we need to or not.
Codependency can occur in any type of
relationship, including family, work, friendship, and
also romantic, peer or community relationships.
Because it is misunderstood and its treatment
tends to be hit and miss, codependency is still as
common in the general population as it was when
it was first discovered. As it is a developmental
issue and not something that we can get over just
by reading a book or knowing that we are
codependent, people need help to take charge of
their own development path and understand the
behaviors they need to adopt in order to live life
and from relationships from their authentic self.
Everyone uses adaptive behaviors as adaptation is
a required and healthy part of living life with

Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D. © 2014

others. However, when adaptive behaviors are the
norm because of underlying fear and insecurities
and because they are on automatic pilot, people
live their lives in a constant state of self‐protection.
Codependent people either focus on getting their
own needs met at the expense of others (dominant
codependent) or meet the needs of others at the
expense of themselves (submissive codependent).
Often referred to as narcissistic and inverted
narcissistic behaviors, both types of codependents
need each other to feel whole. Both types seek
relationships with people to “complete” them and
will use submissive or dominant behaviors to
maintain psychological safety and equilibrium in
their relationships.

5 Top Codependent Myths
The myths surrounding codependence stop people
from truly understanding what it is all about and
what they actually need to do to create healthy
relationships. Some of the more common myths
are that if you are codependent:
Codependence is an illness. It is commonly
believed that a person with an addiction is ill and
so is their codependent counterpart.
Codependence is the result of a developmental
delay and is not an illness. We should celebrate
how we are wired to survive using our self‐
protective system rather than believing we are ill.
Developmental delays are as though we hit the

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pause button on our brain’s natural development
trajectory and it’s just waiting for us to restart it.
Our self‐protective system ensures our survival,
however, when it is overused or used because we
are in the habit of doing so, it gets in the way of our
continued development. The myth that it is an
illness perpetuates the notion that you are
powerless to do anything about it.
Submissive people are codependent. The co in
codependent signifies two parties are involved and
there is a mutuality of need of the other to feel
whole in themselves. The dominant codependent
needs someone that they can overpower or feel
superior to in order to feel whole. The submissive
needs someone to be in the service of in order to
feel whole. The notion of two halves making a
whole with the good parts in one person or the
other comprises a codependent relationship. For
example, a person who is dominant in their
personal relationship can equally be submissive in a
work relationship.
A codependent person is immature.  Automatic,
codependent behaviors are for the most part
unconscious. Codependent people fear the
judgment of others and need support and
compassion from friends and family, not judgment.
We all come out of childhood with developmental
delays and it is our responsibility as adults to
continue striving to achieve our full potential.
Dominant codependents appear mature in the way
society defines it because they can run successful
organizations and have the ability to use others to
make themselves look good. Submissive
codependents organize their homes, their family’s
activities in addition to holding down full time jobs.
Just because one part of our brain didn’t develop
fully does not mean we are immature and that we
are not functioning well in other parts of our lives.
Judging people to be immature because they are


codependent may help the person who is doing so
to feel superior, but it is not helpful or useful.
Joining a 12‐Step Program is the way to recover
from codependence. Statistically it has been
proven that 12‐step programs are harmful to most
people who join them. The premise of
powerlessness, recovery, disease and ongoing
relapse does not help people develop a healthy
sense of their own power and authority in
relationships. In other words, it does nothing for
brain development as people are encouraged to
identify themselves as codependent “Hi, my
name’s Anne and I am a codependent.” The
mainstream acceptance of this approach has
further thwarted our collective development and
we need to change our understanding of
codependence to grow beyond this.

Codependent people should just get over it.  If only
it were that easy! Most approaches to dealing with
codependence target behavioral change, believing
that changing how we bond in relationships to
others is a quick fix. Long standing self‐protective
behaviours are complex and entrenched in
automatic emotional responses such as fear,
anxiety, anger, and pain, not to mention the
blaming and devaluation of self or other that
emerges. You can change the way you respond in
relationships over time, but you can’t get over
developmental delays. You have to resume
growing.

Learning to Live Authentically
Despite delays to our development during
childhood, our brain is able to rewire new patterns
of thinking and resume development where it left
off at any time. Long‐standing adaptive patterns
of behavior can be changed and new, productive
responses and patterns can be put in their place.
We can change the way we behave in relationships
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by changing our unconscious beliefs about
ourselves that drive self‐protective behavior.

getting your needs met and living life on your own
terms.

Rewiring the brain so that the authentic self
emerges happens when we learn about and
understand our self‐protective system. This
includes becoming aware of the coping strategies
left over from childhood that we are still using.
During therapy, clients can go through a period of
feeling very vulnerable and emotional because
they are removing their coping strategy and
exposing the pain underneath it. But over time
new habits of mind get created and new ways of
healthy coping get practiced and adopted. The
codependent person becomes much more
comfortable asking for what they need, negotiating
with others and saying no to unrealistic
expectations from others.

Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D.

Changing long standing thinking patterns means
cultivating, through the practice of mindfulness,
the ability to observe and reflect on dysfunctional
thinking patterns. It means catching yourself when
you are thinking automatic negative thoughts and
to assess the validity of the thoughts. Our brain
throws up feelings that have to do with the past
and nothing to do with the present. Learning to not
pay attention to these thoughts and feelings frees
you to live your life fully in the present moment,
seeing yourself in a realistic light.
Psychotherapy helps you identify your self‐
protective and codependent patterns of behavior
and help you cultivate your authentic self. Living
life thinking that you have to submit to the needs
of others to be loved or that you constantly need
other people around to mirror the positive image
you have of yourself is no way to live your life.
Getting the help you need is the first step in getting
you on the path to developing your authentic self,

Anne Dranitsaris, PhD., is a Clinical Psychotherapist,
Corporate Therapist, and author with more than 35
years experience working in private practice and in
organizations. She is the cocreator of the Striving
Styles Personality System, a neuropsychological
approach to achieving potential that blends
personality type, needs theory and the latest
advances in neuroscience. Anne uses the Striving
Styles in her work with individuals, couples, parents
and leaders in organizations. She is the coauthor of
Who Are You Meant to Be: A Groundbreaking Step‐
by‐Step Process for Discovering and Achieving Your
True Potential.
Anne has her doctorate in philosophy from the
Open International University for Complementary
Medicine (WHO). She completed her
psychotherapy training at the Centre for Training in
Psychotherapy (Toronto) and studied at the
Masterson Institute for Disorders of the Self (New
York). She is also a graduate of the International
School for Spiritual Sciences (Montreal). Anne
attended Ryerson University and the Institute for
Management Training for organizational
development and management studies. She has
also completed postgraduate programs in Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy, Spiritual Self‐Schema
Development, and Alternate Dispute Resolution.
She received her certificate from the University of
Toronto, Faculty of Social Work upon completion of
the Mindfulness‐Based Stress Reduction
Professional Training. Anne has been involved in
the self‐directed study of neuroscience and
neuropsychology for almost a decade.


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Debunking the Myths about Codependency

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