Change your Codependent Ways

©NOW Fix Your Rela onship ‐ 2016                                                                                                                                                                        1
Stop Being at the Mercy of Your Codependent Brain
We have been told, for the past 40 years, that codependence is a
disease or a relationship problem that doesn’t really have a
“cure.” The truth is that codependence is a developmental delay
and we can grow and develop from where we left off.
The grassroots emergence of codependence in the 80’s was ground‐breaking in terms
of exposing predictable pa erns of rela onship behavior that emerge as a result of
being brought up in dysfunc onal family systems. However, we’ve got stuck in this
early work, keeping us from understanding the developmental mechanics of the mind
and how it’s possible to get stuck in self‐protec ve pa erns.
We have all been opera ng under the misconcep on that codependency is due to
alcoholic parents, trauma, abuse and other failures of parents to nurture and keep
their children safe. While these occurrences stop development, and get the brain
stuck in self‐protec ve pa erns of behavior, the brain can pick up development AT
ANY TIME once the threat is no longer present. It isn’t something to recover from or
to be cured.
Knowing you are stuck in a Codependent Relationship Position
provides you with the opportunity to resume your development
and achieve your potential.
Change Your Codependent Ways
by Debunking the Myths of Codependence
By Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D.

Descrip ons of codependence tend to
describe the dysfunc onal pa ern of
behavior rather than focusing on the
developmental delay that causes them.
Categorizing codependence as a mental
illness and telling people they have to give
themselves over to a higher stops them
from taking charge of their own
development and ge ng the help they
need.
Codependent in All
Relationships
Codependency can occur in any type of
rela onship, including family, work,
friendship, and also roman c, peer or
community rela onships. Everyone uses self
‐protec ve behavior and adapts in
rela onships. This is a required and healthy
part of living life with others. However,
when we are stuck in a Codependent
Rela onship Posi on, a predictable pa ern
of self‐protec ve behaviors are the norm.
Underlying fears and insecuri es trigger
this automa c pa ern of behavior in order
to manage their anxiety.
Because it is misunderstood and
its treatment tends to be hit and
miss, codependency is still as
common in the general
population as it was when it was
first discovered.
When rela ng from a Codependent
Rela onship Posi on, we either focus on
ge ng our own needs met at the expense
of others (Dominant or Avoidant
Codependent Posi ons) or meet the needs
of others at the expense of ourselves
(Submissive or Adap ve Codependent
Posi ons). And because we like to
pathologize our behaviour, these
rela onship behaviors are o en referred to
as narcissis c and inverted narcissis c
behaviors. It just means that we got stuck
in a stage of development where we treat
others as objects to regulate our self‐image
or self‐esteem.
In codependent rela onships, we seek
someone who relates from the opposite
Codependent Rela onship Posi on. From
our favorite posi on, we use submissive or
dominant behaviors to maintain
psychological safety and equilibrium in
their rela onships.
Most people are stuck in
the codependent stage of
development and CAN do
something about it.

The myths surrounding codependence stop
people from truly understanding what it is
all about and what they actually need to do
to create healthy rela onships. Some of the
more common myths are:
Myth #1 Codependence is a
Mental Illness
It is commonly believed that a person with
an addic on is ill and so is their
codependent counterpart. When someone
has emo onal problems or has poor self‐
management and impulse control
(addic ons) the codependent person is
drawn to take care of them because that is
what they did to survive their childhood.
While their behavior is as self‐protec ve
and dysfunc onal as their partner, they are
o en seen as the vic m of someone who’s
self‐protec ve style is to dominate. These
are survival (coping) strategies and not
signs of mental illness. We are far too quick
to diagnose self‐protec ve behavior as a
personality disorder or illness.
Codependence is the result of a
developmental delay and is not an illness.
We should celebrate how we are wired to
survive using our self‐protec ve system
rather than believing we are ill.
Developmental delays are as though we hit
the pause bu on on our brain’s natural
development trajectory and it’s just wai ng
for us to restart it. Our self‐protec ve
system ensures our survival, however, when
it is overused or used because we are in the
habit of doing so, it gets in the way of our
con nued development. The myth that it is
an illness perpetuates the no on that you
are powerless to do anything about it.
Myth #2 Only Submissive
People are Codependent
The co in codependent signiﬁes two par es
are involved and there is a mutuality of
need of the other to feel whole in
themselves. The dominant codependent
needs someone that they can overpower or
feel superior to in order to feel whole. The
5 Top Codependent Myths
We have to forget everything we’ve read about codependence. We need
to think of it as a stage we got stuck at rather than a disease, an addic-
tion or a psychopathology. This empowers us to grow and develop our
AUTHENTIC SELF. To stop surviving and start thriving!

submissive needs someone to be in the
service of in order to feel whole. The no on
of two halves making a whole with the good
parts in one person or the other comprises a
codependent rela onship. For example, a
person who is dominant in their personal
rela onship can equally be submissive in a
work rela onship.
When we get stuck in the transi onal stage
from Dependant to Codependent, we feel we
need someone else to complete us. At this
stage, it is survival and not love that binds
us to our mothers and caretakers. Stuck in
survival, we con nue in the rela onship
pa ern, con nuing to behave the way we
did to get our needs met. We will have one
rela onship posi on that we prefer to bond
from although we can be submissive or
dominant should the situa on warrant it.
Myth #3 A Codependent Person
Cares Too Much
There is a huge difference between caring
and needing to be needed or in control. The
self‐protec ve need to take care of others to
ward off feelings of anxiety and fear of
abandonment has nothing to do with caring
and more to do with self‐preserva on. It’s
ins nctual in humans.
Automa c, codependent behaviors are for
the most part unconscious. When stuck in a
Codependent Rela onship Posi on, people
fear the judgment of others and need
support and compassion from friends and
family, not judgment. We all come out of
childhood with developmental delays and it
is our responsibility as adults to con nue
striving to achieve our full poten al.
Dominant codependents appear mature in
the way society defines it because they can
run successful organiza ons and have the
ability to use others to make themselves
look good. Submissive codependents
organize their homes, their family’s ac vi es
in addi on to holding down full me jobs.
Myth #4 Joining a 12-Step
Program is the Way to Recover
Recovery programs are promoted and
recommended to help people recover from
codependence. Unfortunately, joining
programs like Codependence Anonymous is
another way of remaining dependent and
not developing a healthy, authen c self.
Sta s cally it has been proven that 12‐step
programs are harmful to most people who
join them. The premise of powerlessness,
recovery, disease and ongoing relapse does
not help people develop a healthy sense of
their own power and authority in
rela onships. In other words, it does nothing
for brain development as people are

encouraged to iden fy themselves as
codependent, i.e. “Hi, my name’s Anne and
I am a codependent.” The mainstream
acceptance of this approach has further
thwarted our collec ve development and
we need to change our understanding of
codependence to grow beyond this.
Myth #5: Codependent People
Just Need to Be Themselves
When stuck in a Codependent Rela onship
Posi on, you are so focused on protec ng
yourself from the perceived threat outside
yourself that you don’t focus on yourself.
This impedes development of the authen c
self. You can’t be yourself when you don’t
know who you are or what your boundaries
are. You are more aware of “other” than
yourself.
Most approaches to dealing with
codependence target behavioral change,
believing that changing how we bond in
rela onships to others has nothing to do
with our belief system or our brain and
nervous system pa erned responses. Long
standing self‐protec ve behaviours are
complex and entrenched in automa c
emo onal responses such as fear, anxiety,
anger, and pain, not to men on the blaming
and devalua on of self or others that
emerges. You can change the way you
respond in rela onships over me, but you
can’t get over developmental delays. You
have to resume growing.
NOW Fix Your
Relationship
Despite delays to our development during
childhood, our brain is able to rewire new
pa erns of thinking and resume
development where it le oﬀ at any me.
Long‐standing adap ve pa erns of behavior
can be changed and new, produc ve
responses and pa erns can be put in their
place. We can change the way we behave in
rela onships by changing our unconscious
beliefs about ourselves that drive self‐
protec ve behavior. This is why we have
developed the NOW Fix Your Rela onship
Program, a 10‐step approach for deﬁning
the self, building self‐awareness and
changing the faulty Rela onship Code
Find out your Codependent Relationship
Position and how you are most likely to
meet your self-protective needs in relation-
ships. Take the What’s Your Codependent
Relationship Position? Quiz.

embedded in the brain that causes you to act
out of dysfunc onal pa erns.
Rewiring the brain so that the authen c self
emerges happens when we learn about and
understand our self‐protec ve system. This
includes becoming aware of the coping
strategies le over from childhood that we are
s ll using.
During the NFYR Program, clients, over me
create new habits of mind and new ways of
healthy rela ng get prac ced and adopted.
They become more comfortable asking for what
they need, nego a ng with others and saying
no to unrealis c expecta ons from others.
Most people are stuck in the codependent
stage of development and CAN do
something about it. Purchase the eBook to
find out what you can do to Fix Your
Relationship!
Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D.
Author, Therapist, Rela onship Coach
Anne Dranitsaris, Ph.D, brings a life me of
study, “psychological savvy” and hands‐on
clinical experience to helping people achieve
their poten al. Her interest in crea ng mental
health coupled with her interest in
personality systems and the dynamics of
human behavior has influenced the NOW Fix
Your Rela onship Program and the
development of Striving Styles® Personality
System.
She is the author of NOW Fix Your
Rela onship, the co author of Who Are You
Meant to Be?  and the developer of the NOW
Fix Your Rela onship Program. Anne also
provides rela onship coaching and is
available to speak to groups about
codependence and how to fix their
Rela onship Apparatus.
We hope you have enjoyed
this ar cle and hope you will
share it with friends,
colleagues and family members.

For more informa on:
Www.NowFixYourRela onship.com

@rela ons_fix
team@nowfixyourrela onship.com
or anne@strivingstyles.com
416.406.3939

Change your Codependent Ways

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