Dr. Jay: Codependency
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This document discusses codependency and enabling behaviors in parenting, particularly with prodigal children. It defines codependency as excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact relationships and quality of life. Enabling perpetuates problematic behaviors by taking responsibility away. The document explores setting biblical boundaries and enforcing consequences to teach responsibility, rather than rescuing children from natural consequences. The goal is to raise godly, not "successful," children by putting God in control, not the parent or child. Trusting God and his discipline allows children to become responsible adults.
Dr. Jay: Codependency
- 1. Dr. Jay BurnsThe Prodigal Ministry Dallas, Texas
- 2. Codependency & Enabling A Parents Perspective
- 3. Goals • God’s plan : The law of reaping and sowing • Where it can go wrong : Codependency/Enabling – In general – In Prodigal situations…addiction, recovery • Exploring Boundaries – Broad view of battling and correcting co-dependency – Biblical basis • A Parent’s perspective: admissions and lessons learned?
- 4. The Law of Reaping and Sowing Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature, will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
- 5. Definitions • Codependency (Definition) – Tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact ones relationship and quality of life. It also often involves putting one’s needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. – People addiction – IDOL WORSHIP…of people /children/ loved ones?
- 6. Definitions • Enabling (Definition) – Term with double meaning. In a negative sense, enabling is used in the context of problematic behavior, to signify approaches that are intended to help but in fact may perpetuate a problem. – A common theme of enabling is that third parties take responsibility, blame, or make accommodations for a person’s harmful contact – It is much much harder to remain an addict for long without an enabler.
- 7. Co-Dependency • Finding value in how we relate to people (in relationships) rather than in our identity in Christ • Co-dependency is simply idol worship -
- 8. What are the consequences of not reaping the consequences? • Rescuing a person from the natural consequences of his/her behavior enables him to continue in irresponsible behavior • Introduces a false sense of reality • Entitlement / I deserve it • I can get away with anything/ I am God • Destruction
- 10. It Felt “Right” • I love him so much… • He is adopted… • He is black in an all white school… • He has ADD… • He struggles with….________ • He got mixed up with some bad friends…
- 11. Proverbs 14:12 There is a way which seems right to man but in the end it leads to death
- 12. My Biggest Mistake • Wrong Paradigm for my Life Purpose: – Wrong parenting Purpose • My goal : – To have my son “Succeed” • The Proper Goal : – To have my son be a responsible person, walking faithfully with God
- 13. Enabling • Protecting people from natural consequences • Protect to keep peace • Make excuses for people • See the problem as the result of something else • Avoiding conflict to keep peace • Give undeserved rewards • Make threats • Doing what someone else should do for themselves
- 15. Biblical Model of Security/Dependency Psalm 33:16-18 No King is saved by the size of his army; no warrior escapes by his great strength. A horse is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its great strength it cannot save. But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love…
- 16. Biblical Model of Security/Dependency 2 Cor. 1:9,10 …but this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us
- 17. The Root Problem • The hole in our heart…. • St Augustine : “thou hast created us for Thyself, and our hearts is not quiet until it rests in Thee. • Our deep need that can only be satisfied by God
- 18. The Root Problem • Most of us want to be on the throne…to be God - to Control • My son wanted to be on the throne • I wanted to be on the throne • Only when I finally put God on the throne, did we begin to see progress and hope
- 19. Matter of the heart • Co-dependency – Reacts without thought – Addictive – Poor sense of boundaries – If I can get them to need me then I will feel good about myself – Inner compulsion driven – joyless • Christianity – Proactive – Balanced – Boundaries well defined – I will do it if it is honoring to God and will bring him glory – God driven – Joyful ! Co-dependency can look the same as Christian brotherly love
- 20. Co dependency vs Christianity • Co-dependency - Self – If they are hurting then I must have done something wrong – Anxiety is a clue – Fear of man • Prov 29:25 fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe • Christianity- God – Discipline and pain are useful tools to grow people (Heb 12) – Peace is a clue Fear of God • Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation--- whom shall I fear. The Lord is my stronghold—of whom shall I be afraid?
- 21. Enabling vs. Christian love • Jesus said “Love they neighbor as thyself” • Note: he did not say “more than yourself” • You are to love the other person, not BE the other person • It all comes down to motive…where is our heart in the matter
- 22. The Cure for Co-Dependency • Walking with God • Galatians 6 :7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows • You can not do more than God. You cannot be God. God let’s us walk away in disobedience to suffer consequences of our actions. • Gods laws and commands are clear boundaries and a great example to us
- 23. Boundary • Border or limit – Physical world • Fence , hedge, property lines – Spiritual world • Just as important but less defined • They define us – What is me / not me ? • They define responsibility – What am I responsible for – What are you responsible for
- 24. How God models boundaries • Distinct, separate, and responsible for Himself – Trinity is 3 distinct entities with their own distinct responsibilities • Communicates well – Likes and dislikes – What He will allow and won’t allow – What he thinks…what His heart is • Confronts sin and allows consequences for our benefit (Hebrews 12:4)
- 25. Hebrews 12:4 My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline nor lose heart when He rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves and punishes everyone he accepts as a son. Endure hardship as discipline, God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his earthly father ? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.
- 26. Boundaries Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do • Boundaries allow us to better steward our life and talents so that we can complete the works he has prepared for us to do
- 27. The Importance of Boundaries and Consequences as a Parent • This concept is one of the most valuable parenting tools we have to achieve our utmost goal – What is your goal, or Purpose in life ? – Your purpose will determine • The boundaries you set, if any… • The consequences you enforce…
- 28. The Importance of Boundaries and Consequences • If your purpose is to Glorify God then consistent with that purpose would be to: – raise God fearing adults – raise responsible adults • Setting boundaries – Defining Rules – Defining Responsibilities • Enforcing consequences if rules are broken and/ or if responsibilities are not met
- 30. Why parents don’t set boundaries? • People pleaser – Want to be friend / liked by children • Confused about what loving your child looks like – Trying to control them by giving in to their wishes • Don’t trust God – Fear God may not protect them – Fear their prodigal is incapable of responsibility
- 31. The Big Picture : How do we teach responsibility ? • Setting boundaries • Allowing our children to fail and experience pain • Enforcing consequences consistently • Trusting God to work in you and your child – How can we expect our prodigal to trust God if we don’t?
- 32. How to enforce consequences ? • Understand fully their usefulness and purpose through scripture – Proverbs 19:18,19; Proverbs 29:15,17,19,21 – Hebrews 12:4 – Ezekial 33:1-10 • Community support – Proverbs 15:22 • TRUST GOD WITH YOUR CHILD – You can trust an unknown future to a known God