Grief, Loss and Transformation - Skills and Materials
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The document explores the themes of grief, loss, and personal transformation, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging one's mortality to truly begin living. It discusses concepts such as disenfranchised grief, the necessity of connection and support among individuals, and the significance of self-compassion and emotional well-being in coping with loss. It also outlines five invitations on how loss can teach us valuable life lessons, advocating for openness, acceptance, and being present in the moment.
![I have come to know that it
[death] is an important
thing to keep in mind - not
to complain or to make
melancholy, but simply
because only with the
honest knowledge that one
day I will die can I ever
truly begin to live.
--R.A. Salvatore](https://image.slidesharecdn.com/grieflossandtransfermationgroupmaterials-210830163946/85/Grief-Loss-and-Transformation-Skills-and-Materials-10-320.jpg)
![I have come to know that it
[death] is an important
thing to keep in mind - not
to complain or to make
melancholy, but simply
because only with the
honest knowledge that one
day I will die can I ever
truly begin to live.
--R.A. Salvatore](https://image.slidesharecdn.com/grieflossandtransfermationgroupmaterials-210830163946/85/Grief-Loss-and-Transformation-Skills-and-Materials-29-320.jpg)
Grief, Loss and Transformation - Skills and Materials
- 3. OUT OF GREAT NEED Out Of a great need We are all holding hands And climbing. Not loving is a letting go. Listen, The terrain around here Is Far too Dangerous For That. - Hafiz The Vintage Artist The Difference Between a good artist And a great one is The good artist Will often lay down their tool or brush Then pick up an invisible club on the mind’s table and helplessly smash the easels and jade. Whereas the great artist No longer hurts themself or anyone And keeps on Sculpting Light. - Hafiz
- 10. I have come to know that it [death] is an important thing to keep in mind - not to complain or to make melancholy, but simply because only with the honest knowledge that one day I will die can I ever truly begin to live. --R.A. Salvatore
- 19. Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in. L. Cohen
- 23. “Unless there is some time for being together psychologically - emotionally and cognitively - the psychological family may disappear. Without time for talking, laughing, arguing, sharing stories, and showing affection, we are just a collection of people who share the same refrigerator.” ― Pauline Boss Ambiguous loss makes us feel incompetent. It erodes our sense of (capability) and destroys our belief in the world as a fair, orderly, and manageable place. But if we learn to cope with uncertainty, we must realize that there are differing views of the world, even when that world is less challenged by ambiguity ― Pauline Boss
- 29. I have come to know that it [death] is an important thing to keep in mind - not to complain or to make melancholy, but simply because only with the honest knowledge that one day I will die can I ever truly begin to live. --R.A. Salvatore
- 30. "A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely." - Pam Brown
- 36. “Unless there is some time for being together psychologically - emotionally and cognitively - the psychological family may disappear. Without time for talking, laughing, arguing, sharing stories, and showing affection, we are just a collection of people who share the same refrigerator.” ― Pauline Boss Ambiguous loss makes us feel incompetent. It erodes our sense of (capability) and destroys our belief in the world as a fair, orderly, and manageable place. But if we learn to cope with uncertainty, we must realize that there are differing views of the world, even when that world is less challenged by ambiguity ― Pauline Boss
- 44. Video – How to Help a Grieving Friend, Megan Devine https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2zLCCRT-nE
- 50. Struggle is the Path He saw that all the struggles of life were incessant, laborious, painful, that nothing was done quickly, without labor, that it had to undergo a thousands of simple changes, revisitings ,moldings, addings , removings , graftings, tearings, correctings, smoothings, rebuildings, reconsiderings, nailings, tackings, chippings, hammerings, hoistings, correctings, all the poor fumbling uncertain incompletions of human endeavor. They went on forever and were forever incomplete, far from perfect, refined or smooth , full of terrible memories of failure and fears of failure , yet, in the way of things , somehow noble, complete, and shining in the end . Jack Kerouac.
- 51. Every challenge provides an opportunity to deepen, connect and growth
- 53. Turning Stress to Power w/ The 3 C’s C C C Self-Compassion: Understanding and kindness towards yourself. Willingness to challenge your self and to accept your needs. Tenderness with your vulnerability and setting limits Self-Care: Taking actions to care for your needs. Eating, resting, exercise, meaning and spirituality, setting limits, recovery time and active relaxation practices. Connection: Stress makes us want to isolate and often makes us feel alone. Reaching out for support is a skill that gives us the chance to heal. Compassion Care Connection
- 57. Disenfranchised Grief • The Relationship Is Not Recognized • The Loss Is Not Recognized • Loss that’s considered ‘less significant’ • Loss surrounded by stigma • Exclusion from mourning • The Griever Is Not Recognized • Grief that doesn’t align with social norms
- 58. How Disenfranchised Grief Feels insomnia substance misuse anxiety Depression physical symptoms, like muscle tension, unexplained pain, or stomach distress diminished self- esteem shame doubt and guilt around your “inappropriate” reaction increased difficulty working through distress difficulty coping with future losses Along with typical feelings associated with grief, such as sadness, anger, guilt, and emotional numbness, disenfranchised grief can contribute to:
- 99. Don’t Wait This idea can both frighten and inspire us. Yet, embracing the truth of life’s precariousness helps us to appreciate its preciousness. We stop wasting our lives on meaningless activities. We learn to not hold our opinions, our desires, and even our own identities so tightly. Instead of pinning our hopes on a better future, we focus on the present and being grateful for what we have in front of us right now. We say, “I love you” more often. We become kinder, more compassionate and more forgiving.
- 100. Welcome Everything; Push Away Nothing • In welcoming everything, we don't have to like what's arising or necessarily agree with it, but we need to be willing to meet it, to learn from it. The word welcome confronts us; it asks us to temporarily suspend our usual rush to judgment and to be open, to what is showing up at our front door. To receive it in the spirit of hospitality. • A friend of Frank Ostieski and a renowned psychiatrist named Sidney who had Altzhimer’s was once invited him for dinner. • When his friend arrived, she rang the doorbell, and Sidney opened the door. At first, he had a look of confusion. He quickly recovered and said, “I’m sorry. I have trouble remembering faces these days. But I do know that our home always has been a place where guests are welcome. If you are here on my doorstep, then it is my job to welcome you. Please come in.”
- 101. Bring Your Whole Self to the Experience • We all like to look good. We long to be seen as capable, strong, intelligent, sensitive, spiritual, or at least well-adjusted. Few of us want to be known for our helplessness, fear, anger, or ignorance. • Yet more than once I have found an “undesirable” aspect of myself—one about which I previously had felt ashamed—to be the very quality that allowed me to meet another person’s suffering with compassion instead of fear or pity. It is not only our expertise, but exploration of our own suffering that enables us to build an empathetic bridge and be of real assistance to others. • To be whole, we need to include and connect all parts of ourselves. Wholeness does not mean perfection. It means no part left out.
- 102. Find a Place of Rest in the Middle of Things • We often think of rest as something that will come to us when everything else in our lives is complete: At the end of the day, when we take a bath; once we go on holiday or get through all our to-do lists. We imagine that we can only find rest by changing our circumstances. • There is a Zen story about a monk who is vigorously sweeping the temple grounds. Another monk walks by and snips, “Too busy.” • The first monk replies, “You should know there is one who is not too busy.” • The moral of the story is that while the sweeping monk may have outwardly appeared to the casual observer as “too busy,” actively performing his daily monastic duties, inwardly he was not busy. • He could recognize the quietness of his state of mind, the part of himself that was at rest in the middle of things.
- 103. Cultivate “Don’t Know” Mind • This describes a mind that's open and receptive. It is not limited by agendas, roles, and expectations. It is free to discover. When we are filled with knowing, when our mind is made up, it narrows our vision and limits our capacity to act. We only see what our knowing allows us to see. We don’t abandon our knowledge - it’s always there in the background should we need it – but we let go of fixed ideas. We let go of control.
- 104. Cultivate Cultivate “Don't Know” Mind. Find Rest Find a Place of Rest in the Middle of Things. ... Bring Bring Your Whole Self to the Experience. ... Welcome Welcome Everything; Push Away Nothing. ... Don't Wait Don't Wait. ... Five Invitations – What dying can teach us about living.
- 106. Cultivate Cultivate “Don't Know” Mind. Find Rest Find a Place of Rest in the Middle of Things. ... Bring Bring Your Whole Self to the Experience. ... Welcome Welcome Everything; Push Away Nothing. ... Don't Wait Don't Wait. ... Five Invitations – What loss can teach us about living.
- 116. Acknowledgement 1. Acknowledgment is not the same as praise or compliments; 2. You must acknowledge people for skills and behaviors that are meaningful important to them and others; and 3. Acknowledgment must be sincere and specific
- 118. Grief Puts Us Beyond the Stretch Zone Grief Pushes Us to… a) Regulate, b) Integrate, c) Grow
- 132. Emotional Systems Check In: 1) Which system are you in today, 2) Which system were you in this week? 3) Which system makes Grief the most Challenging (Hunger to Full, Compulsion to Centered and Self-Negating to Self-Compassion)
- 133. Supporting our Emotional Needs Systems Helping Ourselves Through Difficult Times Emotionally Cared For Emotionally Driven When we are depleted in an emotional need we can become driven and it can feel like compulsion. When we feel cared for emotionally and the needs of a system is filled we are more centered and even the pain we have can be held more tenderly. VS 75% 25% 80% 50% Hunger to Fullness Compulsion to Centered Self-Aggression to Self-Compassion 25% 75% 20% 75%
- 137. Being an Emotional Self Coach Hunger, Fullness or Exhaustion (What I Need, What I Want, What I long for) From Urges to Self-Love Self-Talk & Actions that Nourish
- 140. Remember to be kinder to yourself than you think you deserve. You are powerful and worthy just as you are.