How to overcome selfishness the a to z guide
- 1. How to overcome selfishness: the A to Z guide About the author: Yulian Amstislavski is a self-published writer and an entrepreneur. For over 10 years Yulian attended mindfulness seminars and was learning vigorously about mindfulness and optimism. Yulian is the founder and owner of mindomination.com, a mindfulness and a self-development magazine and the author of “Applied Optimism for the Modern Mind”. “You are so selfish! You’re going to have that body for the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!” Terrible pickup line, I know! I don’t even remember when and where I heard this one. It was back in the days when I was a party bachelor – but it made me laugh every time I heard it. It still does. My Story For me the whole concept of being selfless started at home: My parents were always extremely selfless, especially my father. He got criticized quite a lot especially by myself and my mother since he was doing a lot of his work free of charge (he’s an artist). Over the years I understood that that’s just the way he is, he doesn’t feel it’s fair to take a decent amount from a person who’s clearly not that wealthy or clearly poor. When I was younger however, it was a whole different story: Sometimes I thought he’s not thinking about our family and only cares about what his friends and colleagues think of him. It made me angry. Really angry. I guess you have to grow up to see the bigger picture sometimes, it is only now that I appreciate how brave and ethical he is. Growing up in this sort of environment made it really obvious for me that generosity is the way to go – I never really thought about it that much, it just always made sense for me. Over the years selfless people came into my life and became my closest friends, my best friend’s parents are one of the most generous couples I know and from what I observed, they are also one of the happiest. I never truly understood the correlation between generosity/selflessness and happiness, but I always had a feeling there is a deep connection between the two. It is only recently that I have discovered there is in fact a lot of scientific evidence that supports this connection.
- 2. Which led me to the great question: If being less selfish leads to more happiness (as the studies below suggest), wouldn’t it make sense to work on being less selfish instead of just ‘chasing’ happiness so to speak? This is where this guide comes in, bottom line goes like this: Overcome selfishness -> Increase your happiness -> Have an awesome life Why we should be more kind and to overcome selfishness in the first place? This is the part where I give you strong evidence that suggests selflessness can make your life better. Paradoxically, using your selfishness “against” you. I think this might be the most literal definition of irony. These Studies Prove Selflessness Pays off Let’s dive into the “boring” facts: 1. It turns out its good to be good. A study from 2005 suggests that altruistic emotions and behaviors are associated with greater well being and longevity. 2. Another study suggests that altruistic individuals find more meaning in life and are more often happier compared to their selfish counterparts. The study also finds that less selfish individuals will often experience better mental health and reduced mortality rates.
- 3. 3. According to a model researchers found in yet another study: authentic–durable happiness results from selflessness while self-centered psychological functioning induces fluctuating happiness. 4. The last study I want to mention indicates that altruistic attitudes, volunteering, and informal helping behaviors make unique contributions to the maintenance of life satisfaction. A Personal Note Now that we’ve established that it’s actually rewarding to be selfless I want to share a short personal note on the whole subject of being selfless/overcome selfishness. For me the “logical” reasons to be less selfish (besides the great feeling you get every time you do it) are these two: 1. It’s the greatest engine of personal growth: Every time I help someone significantly I feel myself becoming a better person. From all the personal growth methods I am familiar with, this one is definitely the winner. Nothing lifts your confidence more than this. 2. Emotional credit: This is when you help someone and ask nothing in return. Do this enough and suddenly people will start paying you back. Not because they need to, but because they feel they have to. Help enough people and soon enough you will have an army of people who want you to succeed and will give you access to their best resources. Finally, let’s start learning how to overcome selfishness! Two Strategies to Overcome Selfishness The first part of this article will focus on the short term strategy to overcome selfishness. Think of it like a quick fix for the soul. It will not stand alone over time (that’s why we also have the long term strategies), but it will give you sort of a “selfishness heat map”. The second part of this article will give you long term strategies to help you work on your selfishness gradually and daily. These will take time to affect, but if you’re serious about overcoming selfishness you must stick with at least two of them. We need both strategies because the first one is more like a laser gun: It’s extremely targeted but only focuses on one particular issue you recently had or still experience. While the second is more like a wide river that washes your “selfish dirt” in many aspects of your life, but it takes a while to have an effect. These two go very well hand in hand and this is why we will use them both from now on. From my experience this is a deadly combo that will demolish your selfishness one day at a time.
- 4. Part 1 The Laser Gun Approach: Short Term Strategy to Overcome Selfishness The laser gun approach that will demolish your selfishness Use this technique when you need it. If you need to use it several times a day just go ahead. This technique is your quick fix, it is meant to show you where and when you behaved in a selfish way and how to change that quickly. Personally, I use this technique whenever I feel I was selfish. Maybe my spouse or a relative complained that I am acting selfishly or maybe I just got a bad feeling about a certain situation that happened to me lately. Usually I just get a bad feeling about myself after acting selfishly. That’s when I know I need to use this fix. I would recommend doing this with a piece of paper in hand while writing all of this down, but it’s really not mandatory. Step #1: Analyze The first step is to analyze when and where you were selfish – so think of the situation in which you were selfish, imagine the situation and remember when it was and where it was exactly. Try to remember what the other person/people said to you and how you responded. Be objective: Remember exactly what happened, don’t moderate anything. This is vital. Close your eyes and relive this experience: imagine yourself saying the things you said and hearing the person/people around you saying the things they already said once again. Make this experience as vivid as you can. Focus on your feelings. When you’re done, write your experience down on a piece of paper. Write exactly what happened. We will be focusing on two perspectives during this exercise: 1. Your side. 2. The other side. 1. Your side of the story
- 5. Hopefully by now you have a clear mental picture of the situation (preferably written). You have an objective representation of the real experience you had. Now I want you to write down the answers for these three questions, while focusing on yourself and your feelings: 1. How did you feel during this situation? 2. What made you feel this way? What was the trigger for you to act the way you did? 3. Was it possible for you to respond differently? I want you to be honest with yourself while answering. Focus only on yourself at this point. Visualize as needed and focus on your feelings while doing so. Example: 1. I felt that I had to defend myself. 2. I was asked a bunch of intrusive questions in an aggressive manner which caused me to respond aggressively which wasn’t like me. 3. Yes, I could have asked him why he talked to me that way he did and if I have done anything wrong lately. I also could have explained myself in a more peaceful manner because I know that even if I hurt him – it wasn’t on purpose. 2. The other side of the story Now I want you to do the exact same exercise with the only difference being the perspective. Now I want you to look at this situation from the other side. I want you to imagine yourself getting into the other person’s shoes and to relive this exact same experience from the other side. Then answer the exact same questions: 1. How did he/she/they feel during this situation? 2. What made them feel this way? What was the trigger for them? 3. Was it possible for them to respond differently? Try to be objective once again. Do not justify your acts. Focus on your history with that person, exploring past events might help you answering these questions. Try to think of realistic alternatives that comply with the personality of the person you’re analyzing – this is not a utopian world just yet so let’s keep things real. Another thing I want to mention is to be compassionate: even if the other person hurt you really bad, try to understand the motives behind this sort of behavior. Real understanding is the most major step toward resolution. Step #2: Mind Map Alternatives The last step of the story would be to think of different ways in which you could have acted but you didn’t. Don’t blame yourself! This is not the point and there is no use for it. I want you to think of at least 5 things you could have done differently. Hopefully by now you have a clearer understanding of why you’ve acted the way you did and also a better explanation for the way the other side responded. Now it’s time to think of alternatives. Think of at least 5 better ways in which you could have responded for the given situation. Focus one being less selfish. Try to remember the motives of the other person. Understanding his/her feeling is the key to success. Maybe you could have: 1. Suggested a compromise. 2. Explained yourself better. 3. Ask the other person what his/hers desires are.
- 6. 4. Smile and tell your spouse you love him/her and that you’re sure everything will be alright. 5. Show interest about what happened to the other person and if everything is OK? How to Overcome Selfishness – Alternatives Pick one or more possible outcomes and visualize yourself acting this way. Again, being focused on your feelings is the best way to go about this visualization exercise. Focus deeply and relive the whole experience with this new alternative in mind: See yourself acting differently and imagine the new response you’re getting in this specific situation– do you see this happen in real life? If this would have happened, how would you feel about this experience? The answer must be: better than now! Step #3: Remember The last step of this exercise is simple: just remember it. The key to remember it is either by writing it down on a piece of paper and to save it in an accessible place, or visualizing several times until you have a deep understanding of what you’ve done and how you could have acted in order to be better next time a similar situation pops in. Part 2 The Wide River of Selflessness: Long Term Strategies that will Demolish your Selfishness
- 7. The wide river of selflessness When to use The strategies listed below are meant to be used daily and as frequently as possible. Pick at least twostrategies and stick with those until they become a second nature. You will not see an immediate affect like in part 1, but the great thing about these is that you will notice yourself becoming less selfish as time goes by. Pick the strategies you feel most comfortable with You want to pick the techniques which suit your personality best. If you are already into meditations and mindfulness and feel comfortable with practicing it, then it’s obvious that practicing loving kindness is one of your best options. If on the other hand, you’re more of a social person then meeting your friends and family while focusing on being more considerate is the choice for you. The important thing is that you feel good while working on your selflessness. Be disciplined Practicing on being less selfish is just like working out: the more you do it the easier it becomes. Schedule your time wisely and just like going to the gym: be aware of when and where you are going to work on your selflessness. 1. Visualize yourself in someone else’s shoes – but REALLY
- 8. Visualize like you mean it! This is a very generic advice I know, but if you do this exercise properly you will start noticing new thinking patterns and more selflessness coming out of you naturally. There are several ways to go about it and I want to share with you the method I personally use, so let’s say you’re just having a regular conversation with a colleague at work or with your spouse. Use the 5 step approach listed below in order to practice your selflessness: 1. Ask about the day your companion just had or just a general “how are you?” 2. Ask follow up 3. Take a few moment to imagine this experience from your perspective – be as detailed as possible. 4. Focus on your feelings while visualizing. 5. Ask more follow up questions with regards to the feelings you had while visualizing. This is something I naturally do very often and I find this method to be extremely effective. Not only you will find yourself asking question you are not usually asking, but also you will deeply impress your closest friends, family and colleagues over time as they will appreciate your focus and attention to their stories. Just think about it for a second: If someone would ask you “how do you feel?” or “how was your day?” then he would really listen to your story and even ask really relevant questions regarding it, How would you feel about this person? This is the way to be less selfish and more selfless: pay more REAL attention to the things people are saying to you! At first you will feel this approach is a bit mechanical, but over time it will become very natural for you to do this. Start by using it once a day consistently. After a month you will already see and feel significant improvement. If you want to learn more about the power of visualization here’s a great book to start your journey (this link will lead you to Amazon):
- 9. 2. Keep in touch with your loved ones – but seriously You can’t be selfish when you’re happy Meet your loved ones on a regular basis! It’s a very simple tip yet we all neglect the people we love most and unfortunately – quite often. Make a weekly schedule and make sure you meet at least 2 people you care about during each and every week. During this time make sure you only focus on the person you meet, preferably no smart phones and no distractions. Just call your “dates” on Sunday and make plans to meet them later on the same week. This is a great habit to have and you will gain: 1. Better emotional connection with your friends. 2. Emotional support for yourself. 3. Better social skills. 4. Fun! 5. Business opportunities and new insights. In my group of friends we have a tradition: Every Friday afternoon we all go out for a walk. We are a group of 6 friends and even if some of us can’t make it sometimes, it’s a wonderful tradition since we all catch up with each other on a weekly basis and make plans together. There’s nothing better than to have a close group of people you care deeply about: You simply cannot be selfish when you’re part of small sticky group of friends: you all need to help each other out. Your problem is my problem. So make plans and do something fun together on a regular weekly basis, it could be: 1. A holiday 2. A movie 3. Breakfast 4. Hiking Its way easier to be selfless when you’re happy and loved. Good friends will do just that: They will make you smile when you’re down, they will help you regardless of your financial situation and they will care for you in time of need. Make sure you do the same. If you want to learn more about making friends, then this book is an absolute must for you.
- 10. It’s an all-time classic and even Warren Buffet recommended this gem, just notice this link will take you to Amazon: 3. Loving kindness meditation Loving kindness will destroy your selfishness Practicing loving kindness meditation daily is extremely beneficial for you regardless of your selfishness. However it is also one of the best techniques to overcome selfishness all together. The best book I know about this technique is by Sharon Zalsberg and you can find her book on Amazon: If you don’t feel like reading this book I will just lay out the
- 11. Basic structure of loving kindness mediation here (this is based on Sharon’s method): 1. Think of 3 nice and relaxing mantras you wish for yourself, for example: 1.1 May I be peaceful. 1.2 May I be happy. 1.3 May I be good. 2. Repeat these mantras for several minutes. 3. While you focus on yourself, gradually start wishing these lovely blessings to the people close to you the most. 4. Gradually expand the “blessed circle” until you bless the whole universe! 4. Keep a Journal Start an “overcoming selfishness” journal. Write down the things you struggle with and keep track of the techniques you are using to handle those. Writing your daily experiences down will shed some new light on them and will make you think differentlyabout certain situations. Keeping a journal is also another way to make sure you’re disciplined and working daily toward overcoming selfishness. Just like working out it’s important to keep track of your progress: Keeping a journal will help you to analyze yourself better. For me, reading past experiences I’ve written down in my journal always amazes me. It makes me feel proud of the long journey I’ve been through and how far I’ve gone. A good journal will ALWAYS make you feel proud of yourself and will motivate you to keep on going. Make a daily habit of writing down at least: 1. One situation in which you’ve done well regarding overcoming selfishness. 2. One experience where you could have done better. That’s all! The simple act of writing it down daily will put the whole idea of selflessness in your sub consciousness – and from there your mind will go on auto pilot mode to overcome selfishness anywhere you go. Here is a cool journal I came across, it’s sort of a “self-development” journal where you have cool tasks to write down that will give you a better understanding of yourself. Plus it looks very cool you can find it on Amazon here: 5. Charity
- 12. Give and you’ll get so much more Give a little bit of your time and/or money regularly. Sounds a bit scary right? It was like that for me at first. Giving something back on a regular basis is the most powerful habit of all. Various studies had been conducted on the concept of charity and why it’s beneficial for you and for us as a society. I have studied this and most importantly: experienced it for myself so I already know it’s accurate. But since it’s such a huge topic: I will leave it up to you to find out for yourself if you’re interested, there are a bunch of scientific studies on this topic, just Google it. But for now, just take my word for it: Charity will make your life better. The simple act of giving a bit of what you have will ripple through your life: 1. It will raise your confidence. 2. You will feel better about yourself. 3. You will find your life to be more purposeful. 4. You will be happier! There are many ways to give back, you can simply donate a small amount of money to your favorite nonprofit organization, or just volunteer once a week or every two weeks in the establishment you find most suitable around your home. Back when I was a student I used to volunteer in a school that was located in the poorest and most difficult part of my home town. I gave private Mathematics and English lessons for the youngsters there. I did this every week, 3 hours at a time for 3 years. And I got to say it was one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. Even now – almost a decade later I find myself thinking about this time and remembering the wonderful smiles around me. Smiles of joy and appreciation.
- 13. There is nothing like being there for people who needs you the most, you truly feel special once a stranger tells you “thank you!” and means it. Conclusion I truly believe that working on overcoming selfishness regularly will transform your life. Once you will start caring more about others, the universe will follow and you will start experiencing better things for yourself. I know this because I’ve experienced it many times over, and I’m sure you have as well. Maybe you just didn’t pay close attention. When I help a friend out with a certain issue he’s having – I simply KNOW it’s going to boomerang. And it ALWAYS does! Same thing at work: give more of yourself and you’ll get more. The bonuses I got when I gave more of myself reflected my effort. Each and every time. You can apply selflessness anywhere and everywhere: 1. Business 2. Love life. 3. Family 4. Friends 5. Career How to overcome selfishness It doesn’t really matter where you start because once you start the cycle of working on your selfishness it will ripple through all your life, not just one particular aspect. Just keep selflessness in mind daily and you’ll be OK. Grow and Prosper. *The links in this article are affiliate links which means I get a very small commission if you buy the products through my links.
- 14. Please make sure to use these links if you care about the content in my humble website, this would be a great way to show your appreciation If you liked this post then you have to check out my book on optimism, now in Amazon: