How to survive working with a narcissist

Editor's Notes

• #3: Does this sound like anyone you know? High profile position Very competitive Successful Bullies Intimidating stare Brags about money, position, or power Talks about self Demeans subordinates Acts entitled
• #4: Objectives Identify the different types of narcissists Understand the ingredients every narcissist needs Comprehend narcissistic cycle of abuse Discover successful negotiation tactics
• #5: DSM-V Definition A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts as indicated by 5 (or more) of the following: Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements). Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions). Requires excessive admiration. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
• #6: Narcissists at Work “High maintenance” Needs admiration and attention Likes to be in charge Threatens fellow employees Treats superiors better then subordinates Lack of empathy allows them to fire with ease Refuses to share credit Believes they are better than others Won’t apologize, blames others Defies rules they don’t agree with
• #7: 6
• #8: The Magic Four Attention Small amounts of courtesy are useful The absence of kindness will be noticed Admiration Simple statements which include wonder or awe Not be over the top Appreciation One “thank-you” is never enough Re-mentioning is signal for more Affirmation Demonstrate public support In front of an influential person
• #9: Don’t Lose Self While Feeding Guard self-talk Their perception is not accurate Don’t compare Don’t argue about the inaccurate perception Don’t place yourself in the inferior position Reset boundaries Is it fair, realistic, or practical Don’t communicate it with the narcissist Do right Don’t follow their immoral or unethical lead
• #10: Cycle of Abuse Feels Threatened An upsetting event Disapproval, embarrassment, rejection, or disrespect Narcissist feels threatened Others become nervous Abuses Others Narcissist engages in intimidating behavior Physical, mental, verbal, sexual, financial, spiritual or emotional Others attempt to resist the abuse Becomes the Victim Narcissist say they are being abused Others feel remorse and guilt Accept warped perception Try to rescue the narcissist Feels Empowered Others concede Justifies narcissist’s superiority and ego
• #11: Avoid the Abuse Cycle Step 1: Feels Threatened Know the narcissist’s triggers Step 2: Abuses Others Identify the type of abuse rather then act defensively Resist the urge to retaliate Step 3: Becomes the Victim Don’t apologize; once you do it, it won’t stop Don’t rescue Step 4: Feels Empowered Reset boundaries Never disagree publically
• #12: Negotiating with a Narcissist Don’t talk too much about yourself or others Focus the conversation on them Look them in the eye and give them your full attention Agree whenever you can Don’t question their judgment Be straight forward and short in explanations Find ways to praise them or feel special Even when gloating, find something to admire
• #13: Negotiation Tactics Use Hamburger method Bun = Compliment Meat = Criticism Bun = Compliment Use it once per conversation Never twice in the same day Pick meat carefully Pick the most burning issues first Don’t defend yourself Never give ground unless willing to lose permanently Repeat back what they say, even if it is negative No emotion Don’t get upset or teary eyed, they have no empathy When emotional, they treat you like prey