Practical communication in marriage

Editor's Notes

• #5: Back story about the clip: Deborah and Raymond are married with 3 kids She wanted some alone time Raymond spied on her and found her crying He assumed it was about him You don’t have to be like Deborah and Raymond
• #6: “The is an update of the little talk that we first had in 1991.”
• #7: Lying – Even small lies have consequences and a pattern of lying breeds mistrust. Not listening – Thinking about what you are going to say instead of what is being said. Interrupting – Causes frustration and demonstrates a lack of respect. Getting distracted – Other things/people are more important than your spouse. Failing to prioritize – Produces a “Chicken Little” situation – “The sky is falling.” Taking things personally – Not all comments (direct or indirect) are about you. Assuming – This makes an “ass out of you and me”. Name calling / yelling – Borders on abusive or controlling tactics. Over-explaining – More is not better when it comes to explaining. Bringing up the past – Some things are better left in the past where they belong.
• #9: Confronted only when necessary - Discussion about the Sabbath, Matthew 12:1-8 Spoke to the heart not the words - The Rich ruler, Matthew 19:6-22 Forgave, showed mercy & grace - The Samaritan woman, John 4:1-30 Focused points - Sermon on the Mount, Matthew 5, 6, 7 Showed emotion when appropriate - Wept after Lazarus’ death, John 11:35 Refused argumentative bait - Jesus heals on the Sabbath, Matthew 12:9-13 Emphasis on the long-term - Jesus predicts his death, Matthew 20:17-19 Used stories to make hard points - Parable of vineyard workers, Matthew 20:1-16 Didn’t over-prophesize - Leaders demand a miraculous sign, Matthew 16:1-4 Present in the moment - Jesus heals a paralyzed man, Matthew 9:1-8
• #14: Exaggerator - Makes mountains out of mole hills Use a scale from one to ten to determine significance. Repeater – Says the same thing over and over Limit repetition to two times, after that lovingly disengage. Bottom-liner – Little to no back story Two sentence back story prior to conclusion. Interrogator – Should be FBI cross-examiner No “Why” questions or close-end questions. Nagger – Persistently pesters Use positive reinforcement. Ignorer – Says very little or nothing at all One complete sentence response.
• #15: Listen – Give you undivided attention to what is being said. Look – Observe body language. Repeat – Say what you heard. Refine – Clarify any misunderstandings. Respond – Answer any questions. Now you try it….pick a topic Kids, money, in-laws, chores Give you 3 minutes Repeat for another 3 minutes with other spouse
• #16: “I heard you say this ___________. Is that what you meant?” “I’m sorry you feel that way. What can I do to help?” “Will you please forgive me for ___________?”
• #17: Evaluate your interaction. Next week we will be discussing: Managing angry responses Understand the origin of anger and ways to master it Please complete the feedback form and leave it at the welcome desk.
• #18: Please separate out because we will be doing many exercises…
• #19: Complete this exercise with your spouse.
• #20: To answer some questions from our last session: Intentionally focused on your marriage. Communication with kids is different because it must always be done at their level.
• #21: It is very hard to love this… New Rules: No poking your spouse during our sessions.
• #22: The names of anger Aggravated Annoyed Antagonistic Bitter Enraged Exasperated Frustrated Furious Hostile Incensed Infuriated Irritated Madden Rage Resentment Wrath
• #23: “You make me want to undo several years of anger management.” Cain was angry with God for rejecting his offering. God did not accept responsibility for Cain’s anger. Anger in and of itself is not evil. What you do with the anger can be sinful. “Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected? You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.” Genesis 4:6-7 Main Point: No one can “make” you angry
• #24: Angry Outburst Everyone Loves Raymond, season 4, episode 22 Raymond records Deborah’s outburst in an attempt to get her to realize how angry she sounds. Play video Notice how the tone of a person’s voice can set someone off
• #25: Unhealthy Anger Cycle Pain – Some event causes you pain. Anger – You feel anger. Escape – You attempt to escape through finding pleasure which can be an addictive behavior. Withdraw – The response from your spouse is to withdraw from you. Confusion – You become confused by your spouse because you were just trying to minimize the anger which in turn leads to another painful event.
• #27: We know we get angry, but what angers God? Whining – Numbers 10:11 – Israelites complaining in the desert Resistance – Exodus 4:13-14 – Moses questioning God about His plan Stubbornness & Rebellion – Exodus 32:9-10 – Making of the golden calf. Pride – Numbers 12:1-9 – Aaron & Miriam finding fault with Moses’ choice of a wife. Disobedience – Numbers 22:21-22 – God forbad Balaam to go on a trip, he went anyway. Leading astray – Deuteronomy 9:20 – Aaron leading the Israelites astray with the golden calf. Stealing from Him – Joshua 7:1 – Achan stealing from the Temple Worshipping other gods – 1 Kings 11:9 – This includes worship of your spouse False witness – Job 32:3 – Job’s friend’s understanding of God Not keeping a promise – Ecclesiastes 5:6 – Follow through on your promises to God. Rejecting the Holy Spirit – Zechariah 7:12 – Allow heart to harden to the point you can’t hear the Holy Spirit Keeping children from Jesus – Mark 10:14 – Angry at disciples from keeping children from Jesus Ridiculing God – John 11:38 – story of Lazarus’ death with people mocking Jesus
• #28: Healthy Anger Cycle – God’s way of dealing with anger Behavior – A person’s behavior is hurtful. Anger – You feel anger. Confront – You confront the behavior not your spouse’s ego. Resistance – Your spouse resists the confrontation. Persevere – You lovingly persists with your stance.
• #29: What’s behind your anger? Before you confront, make sure you know what is behind your anger. What are you really angry about? Shame Sadness Fear Frustration Guilt Disappointment Worry Embarrassment Jealousy Hurt Anxiety
• #30: Your angry moment could be about… I-4 driving Kid’s defiance Crisis with ISIS False gossip about you Betrayal of a friend Unfair evaluation at work Prejudice
• #31: Anger styles Aggressive – confronts quickly but is often bullish Suppressive – doesn’t confront, stuffs and then explodes later Passive-aggressive – confronts about other things instead of what is wrong Assertive – confronts in love What style are you? Ask your spouse.
• #32: Anger boundaries Pray before confronting. Practice or write out what you need to say. Confront within 24 hours of event, in private, not in front of the kids. Yelling and speaking passionately are different. Voice tone matters. No name calling or verbal abuse. Walk away instead of exploding. Readdress within 24 hours. Zero tolerance for physical abuse or threats. Release anger after issue is addressed. Forgive.
• #33: How to deal with an angry person Still - Keep calm, breathe – one angry person is enough Silence - Immediately quiet your voice, check the tone of your voice Stance - Assume a non-aggressive poise Snub – Refuse to take it their anger personally Suspend – Use a hand signal to indicate that the rant has gone on too long Speak - To the emotion not to the logic - “I see that you are angry about …”
• #34: Rescind your angry words “Danger is one letter short of Anger.” Acknowledge – what you said was hurtful Analyze – why you said it, was there any truth Assess – what and how you could have said it differently Ask – for forgiveness and be patient for the response from your spouse Assure – that you will not repeat the same mistake by establishing a new boundary
• #35: Evaluate your interaction. Next week we will be discussing: Bringing conflict to resolution How to resolve issues so everyone wins. Please complete the feedback form and leave it at the welcome desk.
• #39: Conflict happens when you least expect it… Video clip from Everyone Loves Raymond, season 4 episode 16, Tenth Anniversary
• #40: Biblical Conflicts Sarah and Hagar – Sarah is upset that Ishmael is making fun of Isaac. She demands that Hagar and Ishmael be sent away from Abraham and Isaac. God allows it and says He will make a great nation out of Ishmael. Genesis 21:8-21 Leah and Rachel – Jacob is tricked into marrying Leah first, then marries Rachel. God blesses Leah with four boys because she was unloved. Rachel gets her maid to sleep with Jacob, Leah does the same, and finally Rachel gets pregnant. Genesis 29:16 – 30:24 Joseph and his brothers – Joseph was the favored son of Jacob’s. Joseph told his brothers that he had a dream they would bow down to him. The brothers became angry and sold him into slavery. God protected Joseph. Genesis 37:3-36 Absalom and Amnon – Amnon rapes his half-brother’s (Absalom) sister. David, their father, was angry but did nothing. Absalom plots and then murders Amnon two years later. God told David there would be conflict in his family because he slept with Bathsheba and killed her husband Uriah. 2 Samuel 13:1-39 Jonah and Nineveh – Jonah hated that the people of Nineveh confessed and converted. His prejudice towards them was so strong that we wanted to die twice rather than see them repent. God refused to let him die. Jonah 4 Jesus and his half-brother, James – James did not believe Jesus was the Messiah (John 7:5) until after the Resurrection (Acts 1:14). Jesus gave the responsibility of their mother to John after His death. John 19:25-27 Paul and Peter – Peter refused to eat with Gentiles in Antioch, when he had done this prior, because James’ friends were present. Paul called out his hypocrisy. Galatians 2:11-16
• #41: Main Point: We all have conflict
• #42: Conflict begins inside of you. It is the warring of your sinful nature vs. your redeemed nature. What are some of your internal conflicts?
• #43: What is Conflict? It is larger than a disagreement. Perceived threat of some sort (real or not). Could be a crisis, imminent, or agenda. It grows when ignored. It remains because underlying issue is not resolved. It is colored by your perception. It is not necessarily an objective review of the facts, it is about how you see things based on your life experiences, culture, values, and beliefs. It triggers emotions. This can include anger. It is an opportunity for deeper growth. Resolving the conflict builds trust, security and intimacy.
• #44: Managing Conflict Unhealthy responses: Rejects Problem - An inability to recognize and respond to matters of great importance to the other person Angry Response - Explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions Withdraw of Love - The withdrawal of love, resulting in rejection, isolation, shaming, and fear of abandonment Refusal to Negotiate - The fear and avoidance of conflict Negative Attitude - The expectation of bad outcomes Healthy responses: Admits Problem - The capacity to recognize and respond to important matters Respectful Responses – Listening, seeking to understand rather than to be understood Forgiving - A readiness to forgive and forget Proactive Negotiation - The ability to seek compromise and avoid punishing Positive Attitude - A belief that resolution can support the interests and needs of both parties Example of Absalom and David to Amnon
• #45: Steps to Conflict Resolution Environment, rules & boundaries Agree on the problem Gather information Brainstorm solutions Negotiate Take action Evaluate
• #46: Step 1: Environment, Rules & Boundaries Find neutral territory such as a restaurant Schedule the time Agree to work towards win/win Set a time limit Focus on one problem – be specific but not repetitive or obsessive Remain calm - express feelings in words not actions Do drive-thru communicating No attacking, accusations, generalizing, shutting down or stockpiling Check tone of voice and body language Agree to disagree and table discussion if needed
• #47: Three possible Outcomes Compete I win, You lose Compromise I lose, You lose Negotiate I win, You win
• #49: Step 2: Agree on the Problem Bulls-eye Example: Yellow Center - Wife has an affair; Husband works but is unavailable at home Red Circle - Wife feels unattractive; Husband is drinking daily Blue Circle - Wife believes husband has abandoned her; Husband has alcohol induced dementia White Circle - Wife has suppressed anger towards husband; Husband has escaped through alcohol Black Circle - Wife felt rejected early on in marriage; Husband felt rejected early on in marriage Why? Both had a shared trauma which was still unresolved. Step 1: Describe the problem as you see it. Step 2: Look for a larger issue. Step 3: Look for underlying needs & fears. Step 4: Pick your battle (problem or issue) wisely.
• #51: Step 3: Gather Information SWOT Strengths – Which of your strengths will help with this problem? What have you done in the past that worked? Weaknesses – What might hold you back from dealing with this problem? Listen for hidden fears. Opportunities – How does this problem present an opportunity? Attitude is everything. Threats – Who or What might threaten a positive outcome? What hasn’t worked in the past?
• #53: Step 4: Brainstorming Initially focus on: Keeping it positive Being creative Staying in the present (not past) Withholding criticism Welcoming unusual ideas Saying as many ideas as possible Next focus on: Turning problems into possibilities Improving on ideas Combining ideas
• #55: Step 5: Negotiate using TKI (Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument) Competing – Satisfying your own concerns at your spouse’s expense. Collaborating – Finding a win-win solution that satisfies both concerns. Compromising – Settling which only partially satisfies both concerns. Avoiding – Sidestepping without satisfying either’s concerns. Accommodating – Satisfying your spouse’s concerns at your expense. How to reach Collaborating? Be hard on the problem and soft on the person Emphasize common ground Make clear agreements Be willing to forgive / ask for forgiveness Know when to let go Allow for equal speaking / listening time
• #56: Before you stop negotiating… Consider: Is it built on collaboration? Did you agree on one option? Is it meeting the needs of both of you? Are you satisfied? Is it feasible? Are you over committing? Is it fair? Do you need to involve a third party?
• #58: Step 6: Take Action Set a target date to start Set evaluation times Set an end date
• #60: Step 7: Evaluate your interaction. What worked? How can you improve? Where do you need more help? Next week we will be discussing: Dealing with difficult people Identify challenging people more quickly and handling more effectively Please complete the feedback form and leave it at the welcome desk.
• #64: Are you a difficult person? Everyone Loves Raymond video: Frank and Marie have moved to a retirement village. Raymond and Deborah stop by to visit them (85 minutes away). They are asked to go to the sales office to sign some papers.
• #65: Main Point: You can only change you. Cartoon: Dear God, Please stop teaching me how to deal with difficult people. Amen.
• #66: What makes a person difficult? Difficulty is measured through a bell-shaped curve where the mean score is average (the same as others) with a standard deviation of +1 or -1. A standard deviation of >1 but <2 or >-1 but <-2 is probably less or more than others. A standard deviation of >2 or >-2 is definitely less or more than others.
• #67: Normal Traits Persistent patterns of perceiving, relating and thinking Consistent in most circumstances Consistent viewpoint about self and others Observed in a wide range of contexts Abnormal Disorders Personality traits which become inflexible and maladaptive Omnipresent Resistant to change Early onset in childhood or adolescence Cause significant functional deterioration
• #68: DSM-V Personality Disorder Definition Begins in childhood or adolescence Behavior patterns are consistent Makes others suffer Doesn’t know or accept they have a disorder Has problems in relationships Thinks that others are the problem Incapable of maintaining stable work or affective relationships over time May have depressive symptoms or anxiety Doesn’t respond to conventional treatments
• #69: Scripture calls difficult people…Fools “A wise person chooses the right road; a fool takes the wrong one. You can identify fools just by the way they walk down the street!” - Ecc. 10:2-3 Other verses about handling difficult people: “Again I say, don’t get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights. A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.” - 2 Tim. 2:23-25 “A fool is quick-tempered, but a wise person stays calm when insulted.” - Prov. 12:16 “Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listen to others.” - Prov. 12:15 “Unfriendly people care only about themselves; they lash out at common sense.” - Prov. 18:1 “Don’t waste your breath on fools, for they will despise the wisest advice.” - Prov. 23:9 “Fools base their thoughts on foolish assumptions, so their conclusions will be wicked madness; they chatter on and on.” - Ecc. 10:13-14a
• #70: Which difficulty do you have little tolerance for? Indecisive Know-It-All Agreeable Complainer Silent Aggressive Negativist Lier Abuser Advantage taker Emotional rollercoaster Avoider Passive-aggressive Constantly depressive Excessively arrogant Ignorer Illogical Paranoid Obsessive-compulsive Addict Suicidal Apathetic Rude Excessive talker Not empathetic Not intimate Non-stop anxious Insecure Extreme selfishness Exaggerator Minimizer Thief Very Irresponsible Gossip Manipulator Argumentative Nagger Hyperactive Creepy Hypersexual Flamboyant
• #71: Before you Confront… Remember what Jesus said…  “Don’t waste what is holy on people who are unholy. Don’t throw your pearls to pigs! They will trample the pearls, then turn and attack you.” Matthew 7:6 Best advice I received as a counselor, hard to implement.
• #72: What is so Difficult? What makes that person difficult to deal with? Identify the characteristics makes them difficult for you to deal with them. Review the difficulty list and add more characteristics if needed. Remembering some of your past experiences and conversations, think about what specifically bothered you so much. Possibly get another person’s perspective on the difficult person.
• #73: Is it me or you? Everyone Loves Raymond clip: same episode Frank and Marie return home. Robert and Amy are shocked they got kicked out. Raymond realizes something about his parents.
• #74: See things from their perspective Why do they react immediately in anger, become defensive or lie? Separate the person from the issue Listen more than you speak Identify the type of difficulty they have Accept them for who they are See the best in them Be aware of their negative traits Walk in their shoes
• #75: Establish Boundaries 1. Realize that your needs are important. 2. Be firm and kind. 3. Have realistic expectations. 4. Walk away when needed. 5. Remind yourself you’re in charge.
• #76: During Conflict “Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing.” - 1 Peter 3:9
• #77: Manage You… First Constantly keep a bird’s eye view Lead, don’t follow Understand your triggers Set reasonable expectations Remain calm and logical Don’t get lost in their vortex Don’t become defensive Know when to keep a healthy distance Know when to walk away
• #78: Effective Techniques Your approach is everything Come along side – empathize Hamburger method – Big Mac it. (Compliment, confront, compliment, confront, compliment) Practice, practice, practice Pay attention to body language Your turn…
• #79: During the Conversation Be proactive not reactive Focus on the behavior not the person Hold fast to your boundaries Only allow a rant to go on for limited time Focus on facts not fantasy or extremes Don’t agree when you don’t Move to problem solving Know what you want from the conversation Silence can be misinterpreted as agreement Ask for feedback
• #80: When all else fails… Use humor. Don’t belittle or be sarcastic. Gentle humor in combination with good timing can lighten an atmosphere. Predict reactions. This is a game you can play in your head to keep from getting frustrated. Get the last word. ”Thank you for sharing,” is a favorite ending line. Plan an exit strategy. Have a pending date, time limit or some other way to end a long conversation. Confront bullies. Bullies look for weak targets, don’t be weak.
• #81: After the Conflict… “But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.” – Luke 6:27-28
• #82: Loving a difficult person means … Patience - Not easily annoyed Kindness - Gentle in your dealings Not Jealous - Not envious of their position, power, or prestige Not Boastful - Not arrogant about your opinion Not Proud - Not self-righteous regarding your personality Not Rude - Not impolite when taking Not Demanding - Not being difficult in future dealings no matter how difficult they are Not Irritable - Not argumentative No Record Keeping - Forgiving actions as many times as needed Rejoices in Truth - More concerned with truth than being right Doesn’t Quit - Having an attitude of tenderness not hatred Faithful - Unwavering in kindness regardless if they deserve it Hopeful - Having positive expectations for them Enduring - Remaining durable despite any objectionable behavior
• #83: What can you learn from a difficult person? “A wise person knows that there is something to be learned from everyone.” - Unknown Grandmother’s paranoia gave me strong instincts about people. Dad’s narcissism kept me from getting intimidated by others. Brother’s atheism taught me apologetics.
• #84: Evaluate What worked? How can you improve? Where do you need more help? Please complete the feedback form and leave it at the welcome desk.