Learning Feedback with LEGO - The Building Blocks of Giving and Receiving Feedback
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This document provides guidance on effectively giving and receiving feedback. It discusses the different types of feedback (appreciation, coaching, evaluation) and mirrors (supportive, honest). It also covers common feedback triggers related to truth, relationships, and identity. Strategies are presented for unpacking labels, addressing triggers, and having a productive feedback conversation using techniques like active listening and problem solving. The overall message is that feedback is important for growth but often fails due to poor delivery; following best practices can help overcome challenges and make feedback more effective.
Learning Feedback with LEGO - The Building Blocks of Giving and Receiving Feedback
- 1. LEARNING FEEDBACK WITH LEGO The Building Blocks of Giving and Receiving Feedback Arthur Doler @arthurdoler arthurdoler@gmail.com
- 6. WHY DOES FEEDBACK MATTER?
- 8. BUT MOST FEEDBACK SUCKS
- 9. 825 million work-hours spent annually on performance reviews That’s 94,000 work-years
- 10. 51% of respondents said their performance review was unfair or inaccurate 25% of employees fear performance reviews more than anything else at work
- 11. Millions of hours of feedback training … about giving feedback Push, and push harder
- 12. HOW DO WE FIX IT, IF YOU’RE SO SMART?
- 14. 3 types of feedback and 2 types of mirrors Feedback labels and unpacking them Feedback triggers and solutions The whole feedback conversation
- 15. THE 3 TYPES OF FEEDBACK AND 2 TYPES OF MIRRORS
- 16. APPRECIATION
- 17. EXAMPLES “I’m grateful to have you on the team!” “Thanks for taking the time to do that right.” Silently dropping a bottle of scotch on an employee’s desk and walking away
- 18. Why we want it Acknowledgement, belonging What it’s good for To acknowledge, connect, motivate, thank Pitfalls Not meeting the three criteria • Specific • Authentic • In a form the receiver values & understands
- 19. COACHING
- 20. EXAMPLES “You could be more effective at feedback if you read this book.” “I’ve found that the Observer Pattern helps out a lot with that sort of problem. You might try it next time.” “Next time I have that issue, can you help me out?”
- 21. Why we want it Improvement, growth, and change What it’s good for Addressing one of two things – a need to develop certain skills, or to fix a problem or flaw in the relationship Pitfalls Can be frustrating, met with arguments or ingratitude, and is not often rewarded
- 22. EVALUATION
- 23. EXAMPLES “You were the top performer in the sales group this year.” “Your beard is awfully scruffy today.” “You are going to fail this course if you don’t get your act together.”
- 24. Why we want it Planning, knowing where we stand What it’s good for To quantify, clarify, and inform Pitfalls Often loud, sometimes hurtful
- 25. THERE’S SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT I FORGOT TO TELL YOU
- 27. EXAMPLE Alice: “I’ve decided to take up painting, and I want you to be the first one to see my first finished work! What do you think?” Bob: “I think your brushwork could be cleaner here, and I’m curious about of your color choices…”
- 28. EXAMPLE Claire: “I think being a PM really suits me. Do you have any suggestions?” Don: “No, I think you’re doing great! Keep up the good work!”
- 29. EXAMPLE Don: “Hey, Bob. I think you’re doing great work, but I need you to be filling out those TPS daily, okay? Thanks! Really glad you’re on the team.” Bob’s Internal Dialog: “Are you kidding me? We’re swamped with support tickets and our velocity is tanking, and he’s worried about TPS reports? I’ve got to get a better job…”
- 31. EXAMPLE Alice: “Can you believe what Don said to me this morning? Where does he get off?!” Bob: “Yeah, that guy’s really let his promotion go to his head. Makes me wish I could deflate him.” Alice: “I know, right? Ugh.”
- 32. The Good Emotionally supportive Strengthens the relationship Reinforces self-image The Bad Reinforces self-image Ignores potential issues Skips teaching moments
- 33. HONEST MIRRORS
- 34. EXAMPLE Alice: “Can you believe what Don said to me this morning? Where does he get off?!” Bob: “Don’s a jerk, but he’s kind of right. You do need to prepare for these meetings more.” Alice: “Wait. You agree with him? Huh. Maybe I am getting a little lazy…”
- 35. The Good Grows the relationship Calls out potential issues Uses teaching moments The Bad Not always welcome Difficult to determine appropriateness Requires thoughtfulness
- 36. EXERCISE 1 Partner Whomever you’re sitting nearest to Goals Try out the feedback types Experience each side of the mirror types Time Build: 10 minutes Feedback: 10 minutes
- 38. LABELS
- 39. YOUR BRAIN, THE SYMBOL MACHINE
- 41. “Be more Proactive .”
- 42. HOW DO YOU UNPACK LABELS?
- 43. THE LIFE OF A FEEDBACK STATEMENT
- 46. ASK: “WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT?” … REPEATEDLY
- 47. COMING FROM EXAMPLE “Be more assertive.” “You were too laid back.” “Well, you didn’t…” Label Interpretatio n Data
- 48. GOING TO Clarify the advice •If you wanted to follow the advice, could you it? Clarify the consequences & expectations •What will happen immediately? •What are you expected to do? •What will happen if you don’t?
- 49. EXERCISE 2 Partner Someone you don’t know Goals Practice identifying and unpacking labels Time Build: 10 minutes Feedback: 10 minutes
- 52. SOME FEEDBACK IS EASY
- 54. AND THEN SOME FEEDBACK IS NOT
- 56. DIFFICULT FEEDBACK TRIGGERS MENTAL DEFENSE SYSTEMS Rar!
- 57. Truth Triggers Relationship Triggers Identity Triggers
- 59. TRUTH TRIGGERS
- 60. EXAMPLE Don: “I do like the general layout of the form, but I think you need to put more effort into the UX of the error cases.” Alice: “The last time you touched an application it was written in Fortran. do you even know about UX?”
- 61. THE FLAVORS OF WRONG
- 62. Factually Wrong Different-Planet Wrong Used To Be Right Right According to the Wrong People Wrong Context Right for You, Wrong for Me Actually Correct, but Not Right Now Unhelpful
- 65. HOW DO YOU DEFUSE TRUTH TRIGGERS?
- 67. DIFFERENT DATA? You don’t notice everything You have biases! Yes, you do. No really, you do.
- 68. 92% of American drivers think they are better than average 90% of managers think they’re in the top 10%
- 69. DIFFERENT INTERPRETATION? Clarify to the point of absurdity Dig out implicit rules
- 71. What makes sense? What’s worth trying? How can you give them the benefit of the doubt about their feedback?
- 72. WHAT IF YOU STILL DISAGREE?
- 73. EXERCISE 3 Partner Someone else you don’t know Goals Experience truth triggers and solutions Time Build: 10 minutes Feedback: 10 minutes
- 76. FOR YOUR PLEASURE: A SHORT DRAMA EXAMPLE
- 77. SWITCHTRACKING A A A A B B Feedback occurs We respond to the giver, not the feedback
- 78. B What about me?! Staying silent makes it worse
- 79. 2 RELATIONSHIP TRIGGER TYPES
- 80. WHAT WE THINK ABOUT THEM What we think about their feedback skills What we think about their credibility and knowledge What we think about how much we trust them
- 81. HOW WE FEEL TREATED BY THEM Do they give us appreciation? Do they give us autonomy? Do they give us acceptance?
- 82. HOW DO YOU DEFUSE RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS?
- 83. BE AWARE OF SWITCHTRACKING
- 84. TRY TO BE OBJECTIVE
- 85. They may suck at feedback … Is their feedback still right? They may be inexperienced… Is their inexperience valuable here? We may not trust them… Assume they mean well. Is the feedback still valid?
- 86. USE SYSTEMS THINKING ASK: “WHO IS THE PROBLEM?” ASK: “WHO NEEDS TO CHANGE?”
- 87. SYSTEMS THINKING: TAKE THREE STEPS BACK
- 88. 1 STEP BACK: YOU + ME INTERSECTIONS You Me Problem?
- 89. 1 STEP BACK: YOU + ME INTERSECTIONS Ask: “What is each of us contributing?” Ask: “In what ways does the feedback reflect differences in preferences, assumptions, styles, or implicit rules between us?”
- 90. Role A 2 STEPS BACK: ROLE CLASHES Role Confusion Me Yo u I’m in charge of that! I have feedback for you. ... who made YOU boss? Role A
- 91. Role B 2 STEPS BACK: ROLE CLASHES Role Clarity Me Yo u My role is to ensure we take minimal risk. ... but my role is to innovate! Role A
- 92. 2 STEPS BACK: ROLE CLASHES Ask: “Do our roles make it more or less likely that we might have conflict with each other?”
- 93. 3 STEPS BACK: THE BIG PICTURE Policies … oh boy. Role B Yo u Me Role A
- 94. 3 STEPS BACK: THE BIG PICTURE Ask: “What other players influence our behavior and choices? Are physical setups, processes, or structures also contributing to the problem?”
- 95. USING THE SYSTEM LENS
- 96. START WITH YOU Ask: “What am I doing (or failing to do) that is contributing to the dynamic between us?” Ask: “What parts of the system am I responsible for?” Don’t: Switchtrack by focusing on what isn’t your fault
- 97. AVOID SHIFTING AND ABSORBING Blame absorbers say “It’s all me!” Blame shifters say “It’s anyone but me!”
- 98. LOOK FOR “ME + EVERYBODY” INTERSECTIONS If you’re the common factor in a bunch of problems… Then great!
- 99. “YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO PASS THE BUCK!” “This problem isn’t systemic – it’s you!” Reframe your suggestion “Here’s what would help me change”
- 100. EXERCISE 4 Partner Someone you do know Goals Experience relationship triggers and their solutions Time Build: 10 minutes Feedback: 5 minutes
- 102. IDENTITY TRIGGERS
- 103. EXAMPLE Don: “Okay, this meeting is super important. I need you to be on your game in there.” Bob: “… whose game do you think I was on until now? Are you saying you don’t think I perform well?”
- 104. HOW YOUR FEELINGS MESS WITH FEEDBACK
- 105. Consistency Bias We change how we recall the past Flooding We let feedback apply to unrelated areas Continuity Bias We change how we view the future Future Tripping We obsess over predicted consequences FOUR DISTORTION PATTERNS
- 106. HOW DO YOU DEFUSE IDENTITY TRIGGERS?
- 107. KNOW THE 50-40-10 RULE
- 108. KNOW YOUR WIRING
- 109. 1. Baseline 2. Swing 3. Sustain/Recovery 1 1 2 2 3 3
- 110. Long Sustain of Positive Short Sustain of Positive Quick Recovery from Negative “I love feedback!” “No big deal either way.” Slow Recovery from Negative “I’m hopeful, but fearful.” “I hate feedback!”
- 112. SEPARATE THE STRANDS Ask: “What do I feel?” Ask: “What’s the story I’m telling myself?” Ask: “What’s the actual feedback?”
- 113. FRAME THE FICTION Restrict time, specificity, and people Right-size the consequences
- 114. CHANGE THE CONTEXT Imagine you’re an observer Look back from the future Cast the comedy
- 115. ASK: “CAN I CONTROL WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME?”
- 116. CULTIVATE A GROWTH PERSONALITY
- 117. ASK: “IS MY SELF-STORY ROBUST OR BRITTLE?”
- 118. EMBRACE COMPLEXITY Negative feedback wrecks all-or-nothing personalities Embrace identity nuance •You will make mistakes •You have complex intentions •You have contributed to the problem
- 119. EXERCISE 5 Partner Whoever you worked with in Exercise 1 Goals Experience identity triggers and their solutions Time Build: 10 minutes Feedback: 10 minutes
- 123. OPEN: GET ALIGNED
- 124. 1. What’s my purpose in giving/receiving this feedback? 2. What’s my desired outcome? 3. Is it the right purpose from my point of view? 4. Is it the right purpose from their point of view?
- 125. BODY: MANAGE THE CONVERSATION
- 126. BE AN ACTIVE LISTENER
- 127. Convey that you’ve heard them Listen for what’s right Repurpose your inner monologue Beware “Hot Inquiry”
- 128. ASSERT WHAT’S LEFT OUT
- 129. Convincing someone they’re wrong?
- 130. WHAT TO DO INSTEAD Their Data Your Data Their Interpretation Your Interpretation
- 131. REFEREE USING PROCESS MOVES
- 132. Diagnose Figure out why you’re stuck Describe Describe and restate the conversation Propose Offer solutions and suggestions to move forward
- 133. PROBLEM SOLVE TO CREATE POSSIBILITIES
- 134. Know the difference between positions and interests Find their interests Usually 3 main sources of interests • Helping you • Helping themselves and the relationship • Helping the organization/family/someone else
- 136. Where do each of you stand? What’s the action plan? What are the consequences, if any? When do you meet again?
- 137. EXERCISE 6 Partner Anyone you haven’t worked with yet Goals Practice the Feedback Conversation Time Brainstorming: 5 minutes Build: 10 minutes Feedback: 10 minutes
- 139. THE MAJOR TAKEAWAYS
- 140. RECEIVING FEEDBACK
- 141. 1) Know what type of feedback and mirror you actually want 2) Get those labels unpacked 3) Be aware of your triggers and the techniques to defuse them 4) To find solutions, focus on interests and not positions
- 142. GIVING FEEDBACK
- 143. 1) Is your recipient willing to accept feedback now (or from you)? 2) Consider your positions and interests when you open the conversation 3) Unpack labels yourself to help the recipient 4) Use process moves to deal with conflicts 5) Give people time to deal with their
- 144. THANKS
- 146. Thanks For The Feedback – Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen Mindset – Carol Dweck Crucial Conversations - Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler Why I Don’t Like You – Perfect Strangers and Your Worst Enemies
Editor's Notes
- #8: “Feedback-seeking behavior” Linked to: Higher job satisfaction Greater creativity Faster adaptation to new scenarios Lower turnover
- #70: You and your feedback giver come from different places Implicit rules can be: Individual Organizational Cultural
- #91: Who’s in charge of what subject or which person in which circumstances at what time? Mobility & permeable boundaries How much of this conflict is role, and how much is personality or performance?
- #92: Who’s in charge of what subject or which person in which circumstances at what time? Mobility & permeable boundaries How much of this conflict is role, and how much is personality or performance?
- #93: Who’s in charge of what subject or which person in which circumstances at what time? Mobility & permeable boundaries How much of this conflict is role, and how much is personality or performance?
- #94: Look at: Policies Processes Structures/organization Physical environment Timing and decision making Other players Keep an eye out for “lag effects”