Never Mind The Nooboos. Part Five

Never Mind The Nooboos-Part Five In which I prove that gravity is hot and English heroes are deadly boring.

Aww! Guys, you are too cute! Okay, so brief catch up, for me as well as you. Regina and Klaus so far have eleven children (Admes, Beatrix, Bellatrix, Benjamin, Brian, Carrie, Donna, Edward, Emery, Emmett and Felix) and the little alien bonus of Klaus's Gienah. They have a dog called Toffee and are currently expecting baby G. That's pretty much it really.

Awwwww! Lix, you are too cute. Really. You are. 'Ahem.' Well, it's a given that you're cute Edward. You are the new Bennie. 'Cool.' I guess that the readers just love nerdy redheads.

Having fun Genie? 'I have found a new outlet for my anger. Rather than taking it out on you and the kids, I will be channelling it into music of the heavy metal variety.' Ummm...good for you?

Okay, I failed! I'm ashamed! Reepicheep died! Now I could have kept it a secret and replaced the womrat, as someone told me to, but I decided to come clean and be honest. So, replacing Reepie is Jude, named after the song "Hey Jude" by The Beatles. Not Jude Law, who I hate and want to disembowel with a pitchfork.

Charisma. Last time we mentioned the English Vice, which can be taken as either homosexuality or flagellation. Time for a more in-depth look, starting with homosexuality. In 1991 the French Prime Minster, Edith Cresson claimed that a quarter of all Englishmen were gay. She explained, “I remember from strolling around London and French girls still make the same observation that the men in the streets don’t look at you. In Paris, the men look at you. A workman, or indeed any man, looks at passing women. The Angelo-Saxon country, it is astonishing.” I guess she just wasn’t that attractive, because workmen look at me all the time. It’s gross. I wish they were all gay, but no such luck.

Creativity. England is also noted for sado-masochistic sexual practices. It goes back a long way and is now a large part of our culture. The demise of “fagging” and corporal punishment in schools has done nothing to end the “English Vice”. An explanation of “fagging“? It’s a posh boys thing that they do at posh boys’ schools. Basically it’s when they get someone to do their grunt work. You know the kid. The drippy loser who no one likes. Yeah, it’s him. He does menial jobs for the older boys, as well as some other jobs…well, boys will be boys when locked up in an all boys school.

Creativity. Notable Vice Pioneers. 1) Theresa Berkley (c. 1780-1836) She owned an aristocratic brothel in Hallam Street, London. She is famous for inventing an automatic flogging machine and the “Berkley Horse”, which was a padded rack which a client would be strapped and whipped. To be continued…

Cleaning. 2) Henry Spencer Ashbee (1834-1900) He compiled the “Index LibrorumProhibitorum” of 1877, which was a catalogue of the brothels in London which offered sado-masochistic services. He is also suspected of writing “My Secret Life”, an anonymous eleven part diary which details sex with 1,200 prostitutes over a 40 year whoring career. To be continued…

Body. George Mountbatten, Second Marquess of Milford Haven (1892-1938) George Mountbatten was Prince Philip (the Queen’s husband)’s uncle and surrogate father. He amassed one of the largest collections of sado-masochistic porn in Europe, which he gave, along with a smaller but still impressive collection of sex toys, to the British Museum.

Because his face was lost behind those glasses I took them away. Let us all swoon over fertile father of twelve, Klaus. Swoon I say! SWOON! Why aren't you melting? You should be melting!

'Awice? Who da lady?' Poor Gienah. It seems that her heavy metal therapy is working. Genie has recently been a rather good mother, even to alien clones she is not at all related to.

She even tries to teach Gienah a nursery rhyme, not that ET is having any of it. 'Want Daddy. Not scawy lady!'

EMMETT! 'What?' Is that skilling? 'No.' Then you shouldn't be doing it. The triplets skill slower than Carrie! It's a nightmare. We'll be here till Summer solstice the way they go.

Charisma. Now we will move onto a long series of notes about our National Heroes. Exciting, isn’t it? -Sir Francis Drake (1540-96) He started out as a pirate, joining the family pirate fleet at the age of 18. He gained a lifelong hatred of Spain through their interference with his piracy. His first captaincy was command of a slave trading ship. However, his fortune was made ambushing and plundering Spanish silver trains, helped by escaped slaves with vendettas against Spain. In 1572 Queen Elizabeth I gave him a privateering commission, which gave him a licence to plunder Spanish shipping. To be continued…

Wow! He's so cool. If real headmasters looked like that I may have actually gone to school. He's a hippy pirate, just like me.

*swoon* Hey Clay! Clayton is proof that big noses can sometimes be attractive. He's the plantspawn of Serenity Stoker, founder of one of my OWBCs, Tickety Boo. I love Clayton.

Crap! I forgot that the meal in the oven was week old burnt lobster made by the butler. The headmaster started eating before I realized. Luckily he loved it and I got the highest food score I've ever gotten. So kids, burnt mouldy lobster is okie day!

Clay's also a very awesome werewolf, just like his namesake. 'I want to be a werewolf.' Straight away Genie spun the werewolf want. Okay then.

Creativity. In 1577 Drake set sail with five ships to explore the Pacific coast of the Americas, and of course raid any Spanish ships he saw. After sacking several cities in the West Indies, he landed near what is now San Francisco and claimed the lands of Nova Albion (New England) for Elizabeth I. The exact location was hidden and records later burnt to frustrate Spanish spies. In 1580 he returned after circumnavigating the earth, and he was knighted by the queen upon his ship, “The Golden Hind”. He was the first man to circumnavigate and live, as Magellan had died. The queen’s share of his booty was £300,000, more than the crown’s annual income. To be continued…

Cooking.Drake’s companion on his circumnavigation, John Cooke, described him as “tyrannous and a cruel tirant” guilty of “murder…venome…conceyved hatred” and “moastetyrannicallblud spilling”. And yes, that is written in ye olde English.

'Alice?' Yes Klaus. 'I'm not sure I like my wife being surrounded by attractive men.' No worries. Cubone is mine and Clay has his eye on a certain simself. Plus, Genie's relatively faithful.

'Where's Gienah? I put her in that cot over there and now she's gone.' Don't be alarmed...but Genie has her. 'Crap! Genie, don't hurt her!'

Genie really does love little Gienah. It's weird. 'Why is it weird?' Because, bar Felix, you hate all of your children. 'Oh.'

Logic. Francis Drake is most famous for being the Vice Admiral of the fleet that defeated the Spanish Armanda in 1588, joining his ship after finishing his game of bowls. In Spain it was widely believed that Satan helped Drake win his battles, even as Philip II lamented that “God is an Englishman”. It is also believed that Satan helped Drake build a barn, as well as create a stream by diverting water from a Dartmoor river along the course to Plymouth followed by his horse. Satan did not, however, save him from yellow fever, and Drake died at Puerto Bello in Panama and was buried at sea in 1596. To be continued…

Cooking. According to legend the drum that Drake took on his circumnavigation and on his final voyage when he died still beats by itself at times when England is in danger. In 1940 several seamen on the boats evacuated from Dunkirk and officers stationed on the Hampshire coast claimed to have heard “a very incessant beat, pause, two sharp beats in succession, one sharp beat”. The famous drum now hangs in Buckland Abbey.

Mechanical. -The Duke Of Marlborough (1650-1722) John Churchill was the son of Sir Winston Churchill (obviously not that Churchill. Another Churchill, not the really famous world war Churchill…or the insurance dog Churchill). Using books from the library at St Paul’s School in London he first learnt military strategy. He later went on to become Europe’s pre-eminent military commander prior to the rise of Napoleon. To be continued…

'Hey there little one.' Uh, Clay? 'I have two little alien kids, twin sons, but I never get to see them because Alice is evil!' Whatever. But Clay, she's right on the edge of the stairs. Maybe don't push her or anything. 'Why would I do that? She's so cute!' I really should let him see his kids more.

EMMETT! Not again! 'I don't want to skill!' You have to! 'If you make me I'll-' What? Make me sleep with the fishes? Put a horse's head in my bed? 'I'm done with the mafia. Too many rules and regulations. I'm starting my own family buisness. So annoy me and Felix might just-' What's Lix going to do? She's the smart little tomboy. 'Good point. I'll...well, I'll think of something.' Skill. Now!

Logic. He was sent to help the French king, Louis XIV, in his war against the Dutch in 1672. Louis appointed him colonel of the English regiment. However, this didn’t stop him from befriending the Dutch prince, William of Orange, who later became William III of England. In 1691 he was imprisoned in the Tower of London for several months, suspected of treason. His crime was to object to William choosing to bestow patronage on Dutchmen in preference to English candidates. To be continued…

Hey there cutie. 'Hi.' Not much of a talker, are you? 'Nope. Skill?' Go ahead. Weirdo.

CLAYTON! No! You were meant to bite Genie! 'Daddy?' 'Wow, look at that Felix. An excuse to stop skilling!'

Poor Klaus. 'I'm so upset I'm going to gorge myself on cake.' If it makes you feel any better, the all over facial fuzz look suits you. 'Really?' Yeah. Though I may only think that because my sim-husband is a werewolf.

'Do you still love me even though I'm hairy?' 'Duh! And as soon as I drop this sprog you're making me like that!' Awww. True love?

Cooking. Marlborough returned the favour to William in 1701. He was needed to oppose the ambitions of his old friend, Louis XIV, who wanted to swallow Spain and the remains of her empire. The newly created Duke Marlborough proved to be as tricky on the battlefield as he was in politics, feeding his allies false information as often as he did his foes. To be continued…

Cleaning...and Lix is done. She skills faster than Donna! Wootwoot! In 1704 Marlborough saved Germany and Austria from French rule at the Battle of Blenheim. He inflicted around 40,000 casualties on Louis force at the cost of 12,000 of his own men. At Ramillies, in 1706, the ratio of casualties was even greater, at more than 5:1. It was there that his equerry’s head was blown off by a cannonball as Marlborough was being helped onto his horse. To be continued…

Here we go. 'Yay! I can become a werewolf!' I hope it's a boy. We've had too many girls. A blonde boy.

YAY! A blonde haired, green eyed, skin tone oned baby boy. He is called Gravity, after one of my favourite songs by The Dresden Dolls.

Great. And yes, if you look closely, that is Gravity there in the middle of the smoke. The good old Havar parenting technique.

'YAY! I'm all hairy and wolfy and all!' Hooray! I've never really played werewolves before, so this'll be...amusing.

Mechanical. It was in 1710 when the Duke fell from power, while he was invading Picardy. In England his wife, Sarah, quarrelled with her friend Queen Anne, and was banished from court. The Duke then admitted to embezzling £150,000 of the aid sent to Austria, and accepting bribes of £60,000 from army suppliers. To be continued…

'What's this?' 'Emery, look at these noobs! They don't even know what snow is!' 'They are still young.' Plus Klaus has been changing the season back to Autumn constantly to help you morons skill, so it hasn't been winter in ages. Now...skill!

*eye roll* These two are still at it, being all romantic and stuff without me prodding them. It gets annoying after a while. Why can't you be the kind of couple who hates each other and only stay together for the kids?

More birthdays. Due to their stupidity, the triplets will be sticking around for a while to max their skills.

'Mum! You're getting hair on my cake!' Nice priorities there Emery. So, makeover time.

Here is the Fortune sim Emmett, who is gorgeous! The prettiest yet, I think, which is saying a lot.

Emery rolled Family. I have never used those braids before, so decided that I had to justify keeping them by throwing them onto her.

What's up Edward? 'I'm predicting my fangirls' outrage at my haircut.' Me too actually. But forget them. You look cute. Edward rolled Family too, and looks better with shorter hair. You can see his cute little face more.

Body. He was granted the Royal Manor of Woodstock in 1705, which had 16,000 acres of land, upon which he built Blenheim Palace. However, he died from a stroke before it was finished. The town of Churchill in Manitoba, Canada, gets its name from the Duke’s stint as governor of the Hudson Bay Company.

'Mmmm. I love wet dog smell!' Yurk! These two take advantage of the fact that with a full house Genie can't get pregnant.

What is it Lix? 'I'm bored. I maxed all my skills ages ago and it's four days till I turn teen and move out.' I know. Since Gienah's skills don't count as points, shall I let her play with you? 'YAY!'

'This isn't playing!' 'I know! This is less fun than waiting for Alice to decide which alien cliché to thrust upon me. Human killer, nerd, scientist...she just can't pick.' 'Lame.' 'I know!'

Poor Gravity. He has no idea what kind of family he's been born into!

'This is much more fun.' 'Yes it is. I'm drawing people playing football.' 'I've drawn a girl on a pony.' 'Cool.' *yawn*

GUYS! Really! Gravity is right there! 'So? He's too young to care.' Come on! A little class here! {You have no idea how long it took for me to come up with a caption that didn't mention Klaus' uber tight man panties. I guess I failed, but look at them! LOOK!}

This was funny. I've never had a pet torment their own reflection before. I watched her for ages.

Woot! Finally! What now? 'City planner.' Again? Oh, and I should mention that Regina fulfilled her LTW to graduate three kids from college. She now wants to be a Space Pirate.

'Alice?' Yes Gienah? 'Why am I suddenly green?' I wanted a green alien, so tweaked your DNA a bit. 'You can do that?' I'm a witch. I can do anything.

Okay, I used this doobrie-ma-thing, which is the same thing I used to make myself into a witch. Yeah, I don't think it's cheating, as she doesn't get superpowers or anything. She's just green.

'Now I look like a witch!' Whatever. It's cute. 'But...I liked being Daddy's clone!' Shh. You're green now.

*squeal* Gravity is so cute! Even my sister thought so, and she's very peculiar.

Don't look now Gravity. Mummy's just exploding again.

'Oooh. A little person! Wow, Mum, you need to shave your legs.' And her chest.

Genie spins up the wants to teach Gravity his toddler skills, so I let her. I'm still slightly worried about her recent interest in her kids.

Cleaning. -The Duke Of Wellington (1769-1852) Arthur Wellesley was born in Dublin, Ireland, to the Earl and Countess of Mornington. When his father died, his mother wanted her son to have a military career, while Arthur would have rather gone into music. While he went to school at Eton, his military education was gained in France at the Royal Academy of Equitation in Angers. To be continued…

To help the triplets out, Klaus sets it back to Autumn...again. Will we ever see another summer?

'Faster Daddy! I wanna go back in time!' Awww. I love the rare family moments.

Body. Wellesley became Tory (Conservative) MP for Newport on the Isle Of Wight in 1806. He combined these duties with his role as a field commander. In 1814 he was made a duke. To be continued…

Cooking.Arthur was mocked by Napoleon as a “Sepoy General” after his explotes in the Indian subcontient. However, in 1803, outnumbered and outgunned, Wellesley lead just 10,000 men to victory over the 40,000 strong army of the Marathas. To be continued…

'Oh my gosh! That is so gross!' 'Edward, don't look at it!' 'I can't help it! It's so revolting!'

'Bleh! Emmett, you have to see this!' 'No I don't! Do they have to do that in front of people...or at all?' 'I guess they're getting ready for when we move out and they have more kids.'

'Now that is gross!' 'I know!' Klaus looks ready to break into a bit of Steps. Tragedy, when the feeling's gone and you can't go one, it's tragedy...yes, I remember the lyrics. I have a photographic memory for lyrics...but nothing else.

As they're getting on in years, I have Klaus and Regina each neck a load of elixar. Okay, there's no real point to this pic. I just really liked it.

Body. After routing the French at the Battle of Victoria in 1813 during the Peninsular War, Wellesley’s troops got so rat-arsed (aka drunk) on looted wine that they were unable to pursue the enemy across the Pyrenees, which lead Arthur to describe his men as “the scum of the earth”. Wellington himself was able to drink half a dozen glasses of wine during dinner and pint of claret afterwards, with no ill effects. To be continued…

Logic. After his most famous victory at Waterloo in 1815 Wellington was awarded an estate in Hampshire and a fortune of £500,000. The King of Holland, William, also gave him 2,600 acres and the title “Prince of Waterloo”. To be continued…

Logic, and we finally get rid of Emery! YAY! Wellington boots were named after the duke, but during his lifetime there were also coats, hats, pairs of trousers, apples and pine trees named in his honour, along with the famous recipe for cooking beef. To be continued…

Bye Emery. Thank you for leaving! I love you for that!

Charisma, and Edward is out of here! In 1828 he became Prime Minster, a huge change to his military days. After his first Cabinet meeting, he remarked “it was an extraordinary affair. I gave them their orders and they wanted to stay and discuss them.” He spent a lot of his time in office suppressing democratic reforms, which was obviously a bad idea in a democratic nation. He favoured elitism, making him vastly unpopular with the public. Contrary to popular belief he acquired his nickname “The Iron Duke” from the metal shutters he had placed on his windows prior to a mob attack on his London home. To be continued…

'Klaus, is she meant to do that?' 'I dunno. You spend more time with her than me.' Okay, role reversal here! Klaus is meant to care and Genie isn't. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??!??!?!?!!

Charisma and that’s the last of them gone! Wootwoot! Finally! London’s greatest courtesan (that’s a post prostitute) Harriette Wilson threatened to publish her memoirs and his letters to her unless he paid her £200 or a pension. Famously he replied “Publish and be damned!” She did publish them, describing him as a bore with the looks of a “rat-catcher”. To be continued…

To keep Toffee company, we get a little boy puppy called Cookie. Lame name, I know, but this all happened at about midnight and I was sleepy.

Umm...Klaus? You can put him down now. 'I don't wanna. He's so soft and cuddly.' Weirdo.

I know Gravity hasn't gotten much screen time, but that's because he is a quiet soul who plays xylophone. When i saw that he had only one nice point, I was happy. But he's no more mean than Rootie. Grr.

Bwa ha haha! 'Shut up.' I still find it funny that you're a professional ballerina.

And even more! 'I wish that Alice would put in effort when writing.' Never gunna happen.

Okay ladies, control yourselves. How cute is he? 'I am cute. All shall love me.' Ah, there's that meanness showing through. 'Worship the cuteness of the slanted green eyes!'

Felix gets her scholarships, but she'll be staying for a moment longer, for the end of week picture. Then she's off! YAY!

Creativity. (I know it doesn't look like a skilling picture, but he ran off before I even noticed that he'd done it) The duke once passed a small boy crying in the street, because no one would take care of his pet toad while he was at boarding school. Wellington decided then and there to adopt the creature.

And there it is. The end of another week. If you don't know who they all are, then you're a moron. It's Felix, Klaus, Regina, Gienah and Gravity. Points are thus: Good Birthday Memories : 34 (34 points) A+ Report Cards : 26 (13 points) Skills Maxed : 78 (234 points) Family Friends : 15 (7.5 points) LTW : 6 (18 points) Dream Dates : 9 (9 points) Total : 315.5

Never Mind The Nooboos. Part Five

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Never Mind The Nooboos. Part Five