The Importance and Skill of Good Communication

The Importance and Skill
of Good Communication
"When people talk, listen completely, most people never listen."-
- Ernest Hemingway
1
Hallie Moyse, HMM Consulting

Topics
 The Definition of Communication
 Goal of Communication
 Various Forms of Communication
 How Individuals Process Information
 Importance of Personal Space
 An interactive Model of Communication
 Interaction of Verbal & Non-Verbal Communication
 Common Barriers to Effective Communication
 10 Most Difficult Behaviors & How to Deal with Them
 Improving our Communication Skills
 Open Discussion
2

What is Communication?
 Comes from the Latin word “communes” which means “something common”
 An act or instance of transmitting
 Information transmitted or conveyed
 A verbal or written message
 A process by which information is exchanged between individuals through
a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior
 Personal rapport between two individuals, groups, etc.
 A technique for expressing ideas effectively (as in speech)
 A system (as of telephones) for transmitting or exchanging information
As per Miriam Webster Dictionary
3

Goal of Communication
“Shared meaning” is ultimately the objective of effective communication
= when the “picture in my head is the same as the picture in your head”—and
when we each know how the other feels about that picture. Communication is
more than talking and listening; it involves understanding and interpreting.
4

Non-Verbal Cues Verbal / Written Cues
 Spoken words – including one’s
speaking style, as well as prosodic
features such as tone, rhythm,
intonation and stress.
 Words we read and write – the
intent in which they are put
together
 Para-verbal features such as tone,
pace and volume of our voice and
our words
Different Forms of Communication
• Gestures (non-vocal body
movements)
• Touch (Haptic Communication)
and body language
• Posture, facial expressions and eye
contact
• Speech contains nonverbal
elements known as paralanguage,
including quality and emotion
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Often provide cues as to the attitude or
state of mind of a person. For example, it
may indicate aggression, attentiveness,
boredom, understanding, disrespect,
agreement, etc.

Communication Forms
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Non-Verbal Communication
• Ways of speaking (pauses, stresses on
words, etc.)
• Posture
• Appearance
• Head movements
• Hand movements
• Eye movements
• Facial expression
• Body contact (hand shaking, shoulder
touching, etc.)
• Closeness (personal space)
• Sounds (laughing, snorting, etc.)
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We send and interpret such signals
subconsciously.

How We Process Information
Visual Auditory Kinesthetic
Remember what they see
rather than what they hear
Easily follow verbal
instructions
Remember best what they did
Remember diagrams and
pictures
Like to hear someone explain
like explaining to someone
else
Memorize by walking and
seeing
Prefer to read and write
rather than listen
Like debating and discussing
with others
Prefer to learn by doing
something physical
Have trouble
remembering verbal
instructions
Tend to talk to themselves
while working
Often take notes, draw or
doodle whilst listening
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Personal Space
Proxemics
 Study of how people use
and perceive the
physical space around
them - space between
sender and receiver of a
message influences how
message is interpreted.
 Space in non-verbal
communication may be
divided into four main
categories: intimate,
social, personal, and
public space.
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An Interactive Model of Communication
Means: The form of communication—verbal (words) or nonverbal (body language,
gestures, tone of voice). Wellsprings: The tendencies that guide us as we create
meaning in the messages we send. Our wellsprings lead us to encode our messages in
certain ways as we speak or write. Filters: The tendencies that guide us as we assign
meaning to the messages we receive. Our filters lead us to decode messages in certain ways
as we observe, listen, or read. Values: The deeply held beliefs we have about the way
things should be, about what is right and what is wrong. Experiences: Our past, which
comes to us through our family, gender, ethnic background, work, travel, and education.
Personality: Our psychological makeup, especially as it relates to creating meaning.
Roles: The social “hats” that we wear in different circumstances. People may hear
messages differently depending on whether they are listening in their role as a parent, as
an employee / employer, colleague, etc.
10Hallie Moyse, HMM Consulting

Interaction of Verbal and Nonverbal Communication
When communicating, nonverbal messages can interact with verbal messages in
six ways: 1) repeating, 2) conflicting, 3) complementing, 4) substituting, 5)
regulating and 6) accenting/moderating.
 Repeating: consists of using gestures to strengthen a verbal message, such as
pointing to the object of discussion.
 Conflicting: Verbal and nonverbal messages within the same interaction can
sometimes send opposing or conflicting messages. A person verbally expressing
a statement of truth while simultaneously fidgeting or avoiding eye contact may
convey a mixed message to the receiver in the interaction.
 Complementing: Nonverbal cues can be used to elaborate on verbal
messages to reinforce the information sent when trying to achieve
communicative goals; messages have been shown to be remembered better
when nonverbal signals affirm the verbal exchange.
(cont’d on next slide)
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Interaction of Verbal and Nonverbal Communication
(2)
 Substituting: Nonverbal behavior is sometimes used as the sole channel for
communication of a message. People learn to identify facial expressions, body
movements, and body positioning as corresponding with specific feelings and
intentions.
 Regulating: Nonverbal behavior also regulates our conversations. For
example, touching someone's arm can signal that you want to talk next or
interrupt.
 Accenting/Moderating: The use of non-verbal signals used to alter
interpretation of verbal messages. Touch, voice pitch, and gestures used to
accent or amplify, or tone down, the message that is sent.
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Personal Space in NV Communication
 Intimate distance for embracing, touching or whispering
o Close phase – less than 6 inches (15 cm)
o Far phase – 6 to 18 inches (15 to 46 cm)
 Personal distance for interactions among good friends or family members
o Close phase – 1.5 to 2.5 feet (46 to 76 cm)
o Far phase – 2.5 to 4 feet (76 to 120 cm)
 Social distance for interactions among acquaintances
o Close phase – 4 to 7 feet (1.2 to 2.1 m)
o Far phase – 7 to 12 feet (2.1 to 3.7 m)
 Public distance used for public speaking
o Close phase – 12 to 25 feet (3.7 to 7.6 m)
o Far phase – 25 feet (7.6 m) or more
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Common Barriers to
Effective Communication
 We assume that sending messages means that the message will be
accurately shared. Many times we think we’ve created shared meaning by
sending someone a written message, leaving a voice message, or speaking
directly to them. Later on it becomes obvious that there was little or no shared
meaning. In response, we say: “But I sent you a memo.” “Didn’t you get my
voice message?” Effective communicators do not automatically assume that
shared meaning exists. They check with the other person to see what meaning
the message has for them.
 We forget that meanings are held in people, not in words. It is
important to remember, especially when conveying “an important message”
that words can mean different things to different people.
 Communication is not about the speaker’s intended message—it is
about what the listener perceives. It is not what the speaker says that
gives meaning to the speaker’s words; it’s what the listener hears.
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10 Most Difficult Behaviors & How to Deal with Them
Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner identify 10 specific behavior
patterns that people resort to when they feel threatened, don’t get what they
want, or face undesirable circumstances along with prescriptive guidance on
how to deal with them. These behaviors inevitably cause dissension and are
often the root for miscommunication:
1. The Tank: confrontational, pointed and angry, the ultimate in pushy and aggressive
behavior:
 Stay assertive. Try to communicate without getting emotional and don’t take it
personally. Otherwise, assertive can turn to defensive or offensive;
 Don’t get emotional. In the midst of attacks, it can be tough to stay calm, cool, and
collected;
 Know the key attacks. Being able to state your bottom line, crisply and concisely
helps. If it’s a recurring pattern of attacks, involve them in the solution;
 Maintain your respect. This starts with expecting respect. If you don’t respect
yourself, don’t expect others to;
 Peace with honor. Redirect to a peaceful solution by offering the “Tank” the last word,
only you decide where and when;
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10 Most Difficult Behaviors & How to Deal with Them (2)
2. The Sniper: an expert using rude comments, sarcasm, etc. Goal is to humiliate:
 Expose the sniper. Getting them out in the open and putting them on the spot can
potentially be enough to stop their behavior;
 Clarify the basis for the shots. It’s possible the criticism is fair, but the behavior is
inappropriate. Distinguish between the content and the approach;
 Questions are better than a defense. Questions can help you find the underlying
reasons for the behavior, without becoming defensive.
3. The Know-it-all: has a low tolerance for correction and contradiction. If something
goes wrong, however, the Know-It-All will speak with authority and blame someone else:
 Don’t make it personal. Keep it objective;
 Decide if it’s worth it. Don’t just think short-term though; consider the long term
relationship;
 Use your Know-It-All as a mentor. It forces you to find something about the Know-
It-All that you can respect. It builds common ground and helps you improve your skills.
4. The Think-They-Know-It-All: They know how to learn just enough about a subject to
sound like they know what they are talking about. They are addicted to exaggeration as an
attention-getting technique:
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 Give the person a little attention. Use two ways: 1) backtrack their comments with
enthusiasm 2) Acknowledge positive intent rather than wasting your time with their
content;
 Clarify for specifics. Ask them for some revealing clarification questions for specifics;
 Tell it like it is. Redirect the conversation back to reality;
 Give the person a break. Resist the temptation to embarrass them. Make them an ally by
giving them a way out and again minimizing the chance of putting them on the defensive;
 Break the cycle. Recognize the negative cycle and work with the person to break the cycle.
Break the cycle by doing two things: 1) use gentle confrontation to tell them the truth
about the consequences of their negative behavior 2) Actively look for and notice what
this problem person is doing right, and give them credit where credit is due.
5. The Grenade: After a brief period of calm, they explode into unfocused ranting and
raving about things that have nothing to do with the current issues at hand:
 Stay objective. Don’t get wrapped in the emotions;
 Find a way to agree with your critic. This takes the wind out of their sails and it
helps you establish rapport. It also helps you avoid getting defensive or overly emotional;
Find the root cause. Questions are a good way to find what’s behind the attacks. Don’t
take things at face value and never make assumptions!
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6. The Yes Person: In an effort to please people and avoid confrontation, Yes People say
“yes” without thinking things through. They react to the latest demands on their time by
forgetting prior commitments, and over commit until they have no time for themselves.
Then they become resentful:
 Be careful of your own wishful thinking. Remember that a “Yes” doesn’t mean it
will get done. Follow up and avoid surprises. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst;
 Remember that they mean well. The “yes” is an aim to please;
 Think of yourself as a mentor. Share what you’ve learned that works.
7. The Maybe Person: procrastinates in the hope that a better choice will present itself:
 Let them know the impact of their indecision. Help them understand the impact
of their actions (or inactions);
 Focus on “good enough” over perfection. Help them understand that time is a
factor and that perfection is an unrealistic goal as it does not exist;
 Make the criteria and values explicit. Make certain by asking questions that your
goals are the same. You can’t reliably make decisions if you don’t know that criteria that
matters.
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8. The Nothing Person: doesn’t contribute to the conversation. No verbal feedback, no
nonverbal feedback, nothing:
 Allow time for the process. The flow of information is going to be slow so plan for it.
You don’t want to be in a situation where time is working against you;
 Ask the right questions. If you’re not getting the response you want, you might not be
asking the right questions;
 Show the ramifications. People aren’t always aware of the impact of their actions (or
inactions.) Explaining the impact might help.
9. The No Person: kills momentum and creates friction, disguised as a mild mannered
normal person, they fight a never ending battle for futility, hopelessness, and despair:
 Test your No Person early. If you need their support seek it out early;
 Build an ally. Make them your ally, this can help build momentum. They can help you
figure out what the main blockers or resistance will be.
 Divide and conquer. If they are more powerful among a group, meet with them
individually and in advance;
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 Consider the time-frame. You might need to warm them up to your idea over time
versus a single session;
 Try reverse psychology. If their instinct is to play a Devil’s advocate, try asking them
for the opposite of what you want, and test their reactions;
 Involve them in the solution. Ask them to temporarily wear a collaborative hat. It
makes it safe for them to play out your ideas, and temporarily step out of their usual
behavior.
10.Whiners: feel helpless and overwhelmed by an unfair world. Their standard is
perfection, and no one and nothing measures up to it. Misery loves company, so they
bring their problems to you:
 Use active listening. Use active listening by paraphrasing and echoing points that you
hear. You don’t have to agree with the points;
 Allow time for the process. Don’t rush results;
 Stay focused on solutions. Break the problems down. Solving a few right-sized
problems will help build momentum;
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Improving Our Communication Skills
Effective interpersonal communication is a bit like a dance—a step-by-step
process in which two partners continually adjust to each other. Two things are
needed: speaking skills and listening skills.
 Never make assumptions that the original message was received correctly
 Important to self-reflect and understand our own filters, experiences,
personality, and roles
 Be specific: be able to answer key questions that people might ask about
your message, such as Who? What? Why? Where? When?
 Take responsibility:
 Be clear about what you think or feel by saying, “I think” or “I believe.”
 Beware of expressing your concerns with statements such as “You have a
problem” or “This group has a problem.” Statements like these are usually
heard as judgmental, accusatory, or demanding. “I” invites dialogue;
“you” invites rebuttal.
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Improving Our Communication Skills (2)
 Unless people ask you to speak for them, avoid phrases such as “We all know
. . .” If you have a concern, say something like: “I don’t know about anybody
else, but I think there is a problem with . . .”
 Be adaptable:
 Be aware of words that may have several meanings in a given situation.
Remember that meaning is in people, not in words, and adapt your messages
to the perception of your listeners.
 Adjust for the receiver’s individuality and filters based on gender, age,
occupation, and cultural background.
 Check for accuracy:
 Ask for feedback about how your message was heard. Ask questions such as,
“What did you understand me to say?” “Does this make sense to you?” “Is
there anything that is not clear to you?”
 If feedback shows that your message was not heard, keep reframing it until
you are sure it’s understood.
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 Listen for Understanding:
Listening plays a powerful role in creating shared meaning. It is the listener’s
perceptions that give value to the message’s meaning and not the speaker’s
intentions. An active listener is just as vital as a successful
communicator/speaker.
 Be attentive:
 Concentrate on the speaker. Stay focused on what the person(s) is saying and
how it is said.
 Show non-verbal interest. i.e. make eye contact, focus on the speaker, etc. Do
not check your watch, sort your mail, or look for something in your pockets
while you listen.
 Motivate the speaker:
 When appropriate ask open-ended or clarifying questions. Avoid questions
that can be answered yes or no. Ask questions such as, “What do you think?”
“What are your feelings?”
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 Avoid interruptions: Wait your turn to respond to the speaker, and respect
the other person’s right to speak. Do not insert your story in the middle of
someone else’s.
 Provide clarification:
 Paraphrase: Describe what you heard without evaluating or interpreting the
message.
 Summarize: “So the key points that I heard you make are...”
 Focus on behavior, not personality;
 Be factual & concrete; use recent examples
 Expect adults to take responsibility for their own actions & words;
An effective communicator is someone whose messages
are “heard” the way they were intended.
The basic building block of good communication lies in the belief that
every person is unique and of value.
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Bibliography
 Brinkman & Kirshner, Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best
in People at Their Worst
 Edward T. Hall’s Proxemic Theory, 1966
 Fieldstone Alliance: Communicating Clearly: It's Not What You Say, It's How Others
Hear You
 www.forbes.com/sites/mikemyatt/2012/04/04/10-communication-secrets-of-great-
leaders/
 www.icre.pitt.edu/mentoring/effective.html
 www.inf.ed.ac.uk/teaching/courses/hc1/slides1011/slides26.pdf
 www.livestrong.com/article/67317-definition-effective-communication-skills/
 www.psychologytoday.com/blog/think-well/201107/simple-keys-effective-
communication
 ww.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu/hr/hrdepts/asap/Documents/Communication_Skills.pdf
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