Theory of Interpersonal Skills by Tai Tran

The Theory of Interpersonal Skills Tai Tran Connect to me on Facebook www.taitran.com/facebook

Sets of skills Listening skills Assertion skills Collaborative problem-solving skills

Common Communication Spoilers JUDGING Criticizing Stereotyping Diagnosing: playing amateur psychiatrist Praising evaluatively SENDING SOLUTIONS Commanding Threatening Moralizing Excessive/inappropriate questioning Advising AVOID THE OTHER’S CONCERNS Diverting Logical argument Reassuring: trying to stop the other person from feeling the negative emotions

Listening skills ATTENDING SKILLS A posture of involvement Appropriate body motion Eye contact Non-distracting environment FOLLOWING SKILLS Door openers Minimal encourages Infrequent questions Attentive silence REFLECTING SKILLS Paraphrasing Reflecting feelings Reflecting meanings Summative reflections

iii. listening skills 1. attending skills

A posture of involvement Communicate attentiveness through relaxed alertness: “I feel at home with you and accept you” AND “I sense the importance of what you are telling me and am very intent on understanding you” Incline body toward the speaker Face the other squarely. Pay attention to shoulders and eye level Maintain an open position with arms and legs uncrossed Position at an appropriate distance from the speaker. Anxiety increases as the distance exceeds either minimal or maximal limit of tolerance.

Appropriate body motion “ To listen is to move. To listen is to be moved by the talker – physically and psychologically” Franklin Ernst Jr. Listener who remains still is seen as controlled, cold, aloof and reserved. The listener who is ore active – but not in a fitful or nervous way – is experienced as friendly, warm, casual, and as not acting in a role. Good listener moves the body in response to the speaker. Ineffective listeners move their bodies in response to stimuli that are unrelated to the talker. Example of distracting motions and gestures: fiddle with pencils or keys, jingle money, fidget nervously, drum fingers, crack knuckles, frequently shift weight or cross and uncross legs, swing a crossed leg up and down, watch TV, wave or nod one’s head to people passing by, continue with one’s activities

Eye Contact Effective eye contact involves focusing one’s eyes softly on the speaker and occasionally shift the gaze from the speaker’s face to other parts of the body and then back to the face and then to eye contact once again. Poor eye contact: repeatedly look away from the speaker, stare constantly or blankly

Non-distracting environment Turn off TV, computers, speakers Take off telephone receiver Hold phone calls until the conversation is over Remove sizable physical barriers fosters better communication

Psychological attention Without psychological presence, no attending technique will work.

iii. listening skills 2. following skills

Following skills Stay out of the other’s way so the listener can discover how the speaker views her/his situation

Door openers (1/2) Is a non-coercive invitation to talk People often send door closers A child comes home from school with dragging steps and unhappy expression on his face, parents’ response usually make the child withdraw into himself Door-closer 1 – Judgmental statements: “What a sourpuss you have on today”, “What did you do this time” Door-closer 2 – Reassurance: “Cheer up”, “Things will get better. They always do” Door-closer 3 – Advising: “Why don’t you do something you like to do?” Instead, parents could send a door opener: “Looks like things didn’t go well for you today. I’ve got time if you’d like to talk.”

Door openers (2/2) Four typical elements of a door opener A description of the other person’s body language. “Your face is beaming today”, “You look like you are not feeling up to par.” An invitation to talk or to continue talking. “Care to talk about it?” “Please go on” Silence – giving the other person time to decide whether to talk and/or what he wants to say Attending – eye contact and a posture of involvement that demonstrates your interest in and concern for the other person. Recognize and reflect back to the speaker Make sure the door opener is an invitation rather than a directive Empathic listeners invite conversation, not compel it Build trust!

Minimal encourages Are brief indicators to other persons that you are with them. Minimal: very little amount the listener says. Encourages: these words or phrases aid the speaker to continue speaking. Tell me more. You betcha! Oh? Yes. For instance… Really? I see. Gosh. Right. And? Then? Go on. So? Sure. I hear you. Darn! Repeat the speaker’s keywords or the last words: “I think I’m a little confused” – “Confused?” Communicate empathy through voice and facial expressions Minimal encourages do not imply either agreement or disagreement.

Infrequent questions Mix open and closed questions Ask only one question at a time

Attentive silence Silence frees the speaker to think, feel and express During the pauses in an interaction Attend to the other by postures Observe the other to see their body language Think about what the other is communicating

iii. listening skills 3. reflecting skills

Paraphrasing The paraphrase must be concise Condense the response Reflect only essentials of the speaker’s message Deal with facts or ideas rather than emotions Paraphrase in listener’s own words

Reflecting feelings Listeners frequently miss many of the emotional dimensions. Tendency to rivet attention on content. In problem-solving: data is all around. Feelings are the energizing force that help us sort, organize the data and use it effectively To improve the capacity to ‘hear’ feelings Focus on the feeling words Note the general content of the message Observe the body language Put yourself into the speaker’s shoes

Reflecting meanings Know how to reflect feeling and content separately  put the two together into a reflection of meaning Formula: “you feel…because…”

Summative reflections Is a brief restatement of the main themes and feelings the speaker expressed over a long period of conversation A summative response helps the lost speaker gain an integrated picture of the conversation States repeated or stated with most intensity info Used at the beginning of a new session Gather together points brought up Select relevant data

iii. listening skills 4. six peculiarities of human communication

Six peculiarities of human communication Words: imprecise vehicles Guesswork is involved in understanding the meaning of the speaker’s “code” The presenting problem may not be the major concern The speaker may be blind to her emotions or blinded by them Many listeners are easily distracted Filters distort what the listener hears

Words: imprecise vehicles Words strain, Crack and sometimes break, under the burden, Under the tension, slip, slide, perish, Decay with imprecision, will not stay in place, Will not stay still… Reflective listeners repeats in his own words, which helps correct misunderstandings

Guesswork A child asks her parent a lot of questions at bedtime; those questions really mean “Please stay with me a little longer” A husband brings his wife coffee in bed every morning; the decoded message is “I love you and want to tell you daily in small ways” We often forget to decode the messages Decoding is always guesswork How meant How sent How received Thoughts and feelings  Actions and/or Words  Listener’s interpretation of the meaning behind Private, known only to the speaker Often imprecise or veiled expressions or concealment Private, known only to the listener

Presenting problem Beating around the bush leads to inefficiency

Blind to or blinded by emotions BLIND TO EMOTIONS Social pressure on human behaviors Man is taught to repress feelings Men are taught to be angry or act aggressively, but not to admit fear. Women are allowed or even forced to take submissive roles We live stunted lives In fact, our emotions help shape our values BLINDED BY EMOTIONS Feelings block rational capacity Reflective responses help the person cope with feelings and use rational ability

Listeners are easily distracted Reason: people can think much faster than they can talk Listeners take mental vacations

Filters distort what heard Emotional filter: how we had felt about the topic before the conversation Expectation filter: what we had expected

iii. listening skills 5. reading body language

Focus attention on most helpful clues Auditory channel Specific words that are spoken Sound of the voice Rapidity of speech, frequency and length of pauses Visual channel Facial expression Posture Gestures

Facial expressions Face takes on natural and lively intensity: in the midst of a conversation that seems relatively unimportant Eyes twinkle with mirth, redden and watery with sadness, glower with hostility

Vocal clues Monotone  boredom Slow speed, low pitch  depression High voice, emphatic pitch  enthusiasm Ascending tone  astonishment Abrupt speech  defensiveness Terse speed, loud tone  anger High pitch, drawn-out speech  disbelief

iii. listening skills 6. improve listening

Improve Listening Don’t fake understanding Don’t tell the speaker you know how she feels Vary your responses Focus on feelings Choose accurate feeling words Develop vocal empathy Strive for concreteness and relevance Provide non-dogmatic but firm responses Reflect the speaker’s resources Reflect feelings that are implicit in questions Accept that many interactions are inconclusive Reflect during brief interactions

Suggestion of some feeling words Affectionate Angry Annoyed Betrayed Blissful Blue Burdened Charmed Cheated Cheerful Condemned Contented Crushed Defeated Despairing Distraught Disturbed Dominated Eager Empathetic Energetic Enervated Exasperated Fearful Flustered Foolish Frantic Guilty Grief-stricken Happy Helpful High Horrible Hurt Hysterical Ignored Imposed upon Infuriated Intimidated Isolated Jealous Jumpy Kind Left out Loving Melancholy Miserable Nervous OK Outraged Peaceful Persecuted Pressured Put upon Rejected Relaxed Relieved Sad Satisfied Scared Shocked Spiteful Stunned Stupid Sympathetic Tense Terrible Thwarted Tired Trapped Troubled Unfaired-against Vulnerable Wonderful Worried Weepy

Levels of intensity Levels of intensity Love Joy Strength Sadness Anger Fear Confusion Weakness Strong Adore Love Cherish Devoted Ecstatic Elated Overjoyed Jubilant Dynamic Forceful Powerful Mighty Desolate Anguished Despondent Depressed Violent Enraged Furious Angry Seething Terrified Horrified Panicky Desperate Bewildered Disjointed Confused Muddied Crushed Helpless Done for Washed up Mild Affection Desirable Friend Like Turned on Happy Cheerful Up Effective Strong Confident Able Glum Blue Sad Out of sorts Mad Frustrated Aggravated Frightened Scared Apprehensive Alarmed Mixed-up Foggy Baffled Lost Powerless Vulnerable Inept Unqualified Weak Trusted Accepted Cared for OK Glad Good Satisfied Contented Capable Competent Adequate Below par Displeased Dissatisfied Low Irritated Annoyed Put out Perturbed Worried On edge Nervous Timid Undecided Unsure Vague Unclear Weak Ineffective Feeble

When to listen reflectively Before acting Before arguing or criticizing When the speaker experiences strong feelings or wants to talk over a problem When the speaker is speaking in a code When the speaker wants to sort out her feelings and thoughts During a direct mutual conversation Self talk When encountering new ideas

When not to listen reflectively When you are not able to be accepting: zap the speaker at the outset before she turns to guard-down mode When you do not trust the other to find his own solutions When the listener is not separate from the speaker Use listening as a way of hiding yourself: this is not healthy in genuine relationship Pressured, hassled or depleted

The behavior continuum Submission Assertion Aggression

Submissive behavior PAYOFFS Often praised for being selfless, good sport, go the second mile Carry smaller load of responsibility Usually looked after and protected Manipulation by means of submission PRICE Live unlived life Kowtow to desires and commands of others Less intimate relationship Affection grows to disgust Sacrifice grows to hatred

Aggressive behavior BENEFITS Secure material needs and desired objects Greater capability for self-protection Things go her way PENALTIES Fear Destruction: resistance, blaming, defiance, sabotaging, striking back, forming alliances, lying, covering up Seeking power, losing liberty Guilt Dehumanization: people are created to love people and use things, aggressors tend to love things and use people Alienation

Assertive behavior Advantages Like own self Fulfilling relationships Reduce fear & anxiety Live own life PRICE Disruption: pain of honest & caring confrontation Hard to be effective assertor Willpower requirement to forego over-reliance on submission or aggression

Effective assertion Case: someone invades my life space and I want him out Effective assertion: firmness without domination High probability that the other will alter the troublesome behavior Low probability that I will violate the other’s space Little likelihood of diminishing the other’s self-esteem Low risk of damaging the relationship Low risk of diminishing motivation Little likelihood that defensiveness will escalate to destructive levels

Three-part assertion message When you [state the behavior non-judgmentally ], I feel [disclosure your feelings] because [clarify the effect on your life]

Non-judgmental descriptions of behavior (1) Disambiguate the message Specific behavior description Fuzzy behavior description When you don’t shovel the snow from the driveway before going to school… When you don’t do your part around the house… When you arrive late for work three times this week… When you ignore the company policies… When you are not ready to leave for work by 7… When you dawdle over your breakfast…

Non-judgmental descriptions of behavior (2) Limit to behavioral descriptions Behavior description Inferences When you cut off several people before they were finished… When you behaved so rudely at the meeting… When you left the meeting 25 minutes before your report was to be given… When you left the meeting early just because Frank criticized you…

Non-judgmental descriptions of behavior (3) Describe objective statements rather than make judgments Behavior description Character assassination When you say women are incapable of being effective managers… When you behave like a male chauvinist pig… When you repeatedly talk more than others in class… When you have constipation of the brain and diarrhea of the mouth…

Non-judgmental descriptions of behavior (4) Avoid absolutes Behavior description Use of absolutes When you are frequently late… When you are never on time… When you interrupt me before I have completed my statement… When you constantly interrupt me… When you park so that my bike is blocked in… When you always park to block others’ bike…

Non-judgmental descriptions of behavior (5) Avoid profanity Behavior description Use of profanity When you do not call to let me know you will be late for the meeting… When you drag your ass in here late for meeting day after day… When you do not have the report written at the time promised You lying pig, you promised that the report would be ready by 4

Non-judgmental descriptions of behavior (6) Avoid judgmental words Behavior description Use of judgmental words When you don’t return the can opener… When you hide the can opener on me… When you overspend our budget… When you waste our hard-earned money on unnecessary things…

Non-judgmental descriptions of behavior (6) Make it brief Brief behavior description Lengthy description When you are frequently late for meetings… When you get all involved in your non-work activities and forget about the meeting time and run in late and sweating…

Little things Assert about the real issues, don’t beat around the bush Be less reluctant to assert the ‘little things’ Story: A man who walked across the NA continent from the west coast to east coast was besieged by reporters at the end of his journey. “What was the most difficult part of your trip – the Rocky, the heat of the desert?” The hiker replied “It was sand in my shoes”

Misattributed assertion Assert to the right person

Three-part assertion message When you [state the behavior non-judgmentally], I feel [ disclosure your feelings ] because [clarify the effect on your life]

Emotion substituting Tendency: substitute one emotion for another Example: a child surprises a parent with a loud noise, the parent may respond as angry without mentioning the fear Often the first felt is the primary feeling State the right degree of feeling

Three-part assertion message When you [state the behavior non-judgmentally], I feel [disclosure your feelings] because [ clarify the effect on your life ]

Tangible effect on the asserter Behavior description Disclosure of feeling Tangible effect Costs When you used my bike and didn’t refill the gas tank I feel unfairly treated Because I have to pay more money for gasoline Time consumption When you are frequently late to pick me up I feel frustrated Because my time is wasted while I wait for you Effectiveness When you call me at work and talk at length I feel tense Because I don’t get all my work done on schedule

Recommended process Prepare for the assertion message Send with appropriate language Silence Reflective listen Recycle 2-4 Focus on a solution

v. collaborative problem solving

Alternatives of collaboration Denial Avoidance Capitulation Domination Compromise Third party

Six-step collaborative problem solving Define the problem in terms of needs Brainstorm possible solutions Select the solution(s) that meets both parties’ needs Plan who, what, where, when Implement the plan Evaluate

Reference Robert Bolton, People Skills , Touchstone 1979

Thank You! May 2007 Tai Tran More on my website www.taitran.com Connect to me on Facebook www.taitran.com/facebook

Theory of Interpersonal Skills by Tai Tran

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Theory of Interpersonal Skills by Tai Tran