Difficult Conversation

Some Impressionistic takes from the book of
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
“Difficult Conversations“ –
by Ramki
ramaddster@gmail.com

About the Authors
 Douglas Stone graduated from and now teaches Law at the
Harvard Law School, where he served as Associate Director of
the Harvard Negotiation Project for 10 years. He’s also a
partner at Triad Consulting Group, which specializes in
negotiation, communication, and conflict resolution.
 Bruce Patton is a Harvard alma mater, and the co-founder
and Deputy Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project. He is
a partner at global consulting firm CMI/Vantage Partners LLC,
which offers relationship, negotiation, and conflict
management services.
 Sheila Heen teaches Law at Harvard and is a partner at Triad
Consulting Group. She coaches executives and teams on
issues such as conflict management and racial tension.

Prelude
 We will face difficult conversations throughout our life, but we can
learn how to cope with them.
 This book provides a framework and various strategies for achieving
better outcomes from hard exchanges.
 Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen use principles,
illustrative stories and charts to teach you how to understand the
components of challenging conversations, and how to prepare for
them and transform them into something constructive.
 The language of the book is clear, insightful, concise and always
helpful. We can use these principles in business, but the stories also
concern relationships in your everyday life.
 Difficult conversations are a normal, unavoidable part of our personal
and professional lives. Yet, most people dread having them since
such conversations—if not properly handled—can make things worse.
This book equips us with the skills and steps to handle difficult
conversations in a way that fosters understanding and effective
problem-solving.

 A Difficult conversation is anything we have difficulty talking
about, e.g. ending a relationship, asking for a pay-raise, or
addressing a hurtful behavior.
 Every difficult conversation follows a certain structure.
Specifically, there are 3 types of difficult conversations that
present different issues and complications:
 The “What happened?” conversation;
 The Feelings conversation; and
 The Identity conversation.
 Often, we enter a conversation to deliver a message, e.g. to prove
a point or get others to do what we want. Issues arise because
each party focuses on his/her own agenda and viewpoint. To
handle difficult conversations effectively, you must:
 Shift your goal from persuasion to learning; and
 Learn how to manage the 3 types of conversations
Context

What is Difficult Conversation?

Common Difficult Conversations

“Disagreement is not a bad thing, nor does it
necessarily lead to a difficult conversation. We
disagree with people all the time, and often no one
cares very much.”
“Our initial purpose for having a difficult conversation
is often to prove a point, to give a piece of our mind,
or to get others to do what we want. In other words,
to deliver a message.”

The “ What
happened
Conversation”
The Identity
Conversation
The Feeling
Conversation
What is the Story Here ?
What does this say about me?
How do I feel?
What should I do with my feelings?
Decoding the 3 Conversations

Difficult Conversations
Difficult Conversations are things
we find hard to talk about., E.g.
asking for a pay-raise or
addressing a hurtful behaviour. If
not properly handled , they can
hurt our relationships and ability
to solve problems/
Shift to Learning Conversations
When each party focuses on his
/her own agenda and view point,
communications breakdown. The
key is to shift from persuasions to
learning & mutual understanding.
The Shift …

 This conversation centers around different views about what
happened (or should happen), who’s right, who’s to blame etc. We
each feel that our viewpoint is correct, when in reality we make
wrong assumptions on 3 fronts:
 Truth: We assume that “I’m right and you’re wrong” when most
difficult conversations are really about conflicts in subjective values
or perceptions. For example, “you’re too inexperienced” or “you’re
driving too fast” are not facts; they’re merely opinions.
 Intention: We assume we know the intention behind the other
party’s action or non-action, when we may be totally wrong, e.g.
you think your colleague is shouting to humiliate you, when he’s
just trying to make himself heard above the noise.
 Blame: We’re quick to blame others, which blocks us from
examining other factors (including ourselves) that may have
contributed to the situation.
 Let’s break down these 3 issues in detail and how to address them
The What Happened Conversation

 Don’t argue about who’s right. Do explore each other’s
stories.
 Why we argue and why it’s counter-productive.
 Logically, we may agree that there’re 2 sides to a story. But
deep inside, we each believe our story is the “right” one and
the problem lies with the other person. When you assume
someone is naive, you may try to “teach” him the truth. He in
turn assumes that you’re an arrogant know-it-all. The
argument leads nowhere and the relationship is damaged.
Uncovering the Truth

 In reality, we all have different stories and perceptions about
the world because:
 We have different information: First, we filter information
differently, e.g. an artist may look for different things from an
analyst, an observer sees a situation differently from the
person-in-charge. Second, no one can know your complex
inner state (e.g. your hopes, dreams, fears, constraints)
better than you do.
 We interpret the same info differently due to our past
experiences (e.g. upbringing, traumas) and different implicit
rules about how the world works (e.g. “boys mustn’t cry” and
“you should squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom of the
tube”).
 We’re biased toward our self-interests, paying more attention
to data and conclusions that fit our interests and beliefs.
Uncovering the Truth

 Start by acknowledging that you don’t have all the facts/info. Be curious about
the other person’s story as well as your own (including the assumptions
underlying your story and responses). Your goal is not to decide who’s right
or wrong; it’s to understand where you’re each coming from so you can jointly
move forward.
 Use the “And Stance”. It doesn’t have to be either your story or theirs. Learn
to embrace your story and theirs. For example, Jane made a mistake and
you made things worse; you hurt Tim and he embarrassed you publicly. Seek
to understand their story instead of simply accepting or rejecting it.
 You can be curious in any situation, even if:
 You’re factually right. For example, you may be right that smoking is bad
for your son. But in an argument about why he should quit, the crux isn’t
about whether smoking is good or bad. It’s about understanding each
other’s stories: why he feels the need to smoke, why you’re so upset
about him smoking, etc.
 You’re sharing bad news (e.g. firing someone or ending a contract).
Being curious about the other person’s story doesn’t mean you have to
agree with it. You can be both curious and firm about your decision.
Shift from Certainty to Curiosity

We make wrong assumptions about others’ intentions.
 First, we tend to attribute intentions based on their impact, e.g. if we
feel hurt, we’ll assume the other person meant to hurt us. Second, we
assume the worst of others but the best of ourselves, e.g. if your staff
forgot to submit a report, she’s careless; but if you forgot the report,
you’re just overworked. Such assumptions hurt our relationships
because:
 We assume bad outcomes are due to bad intentions, and assume
bad intentions are due to bad character. For example, if assume
your husband meant to hurt you because he’s selfish, then you’ll
go on to judge everything he says/does based on that assumption.
 When we accuse others, they get defensive.
 In fact, our assumptions can become self-fulfilling, e.g. if you
assume your boss doesn’t trust you with responsibilities, you may
get demotivated and your lackluster performance eventually leads
to your boss giving you less responsibility.
Clarifying Intentions

To avoid the 2 mistakes:
 Separate impact from intent. Recognize that your view is just a
hypothesis that should be validated.
 Ask yourself 3 questions to gain clarity: (a) What did he/she
actually say/do? (b) How did that impact you? and (c) What
assumption did you make about his/her intentions?
 Check your hypothesis: state specifically what the person
did, how it impacted you, and explain your assumption about
their intentions, making it clear you’re only seeking clarity or
confirmation (not stating it as a truth). It’s perfectly normal for
the other person to be somewhat defensive, so prepared to
clarify you’re only trying to uncover what happened.
 Acknowledge the other person’s feelings before you address
your intentions. Review your own intentions and be open to the
idea that they were complex instead of 100% good .

Good intentions don’t negate the bad impact.
 When someone accuses us of bad intentions, we intuitively
try to clarify (e.g. “I was only trying to help”). This backfires
because:
 We miss what they’re really saying. When someone says,
“Why did you do this to hurt me?”, he’s actually saying that
(a) you intended to hurt him and (b) he’s hurt. When you
clarify your intentions, you only address the 1st message and
neglect the 2nd one.
 We over-simplify our motivations. In reality, our intentions are
never purely “good” or “bad” and we may not even be aware
of our own complex motivations.
 In short, what you intended doesn’t matter as much as how
the other person ended up feeling.

 When something bad happens, we often start blaming one
another. This stops us from learning what’s truly behind the
problem and how to correct it. Don’t focus on blame. Do map
out the contribution system.
Focus on contribution, not blame.
 Blame is about judging if someone caused a problem in the
past and if/how they should be punished. Pinning the blame
on 1 person rarely solves the problem since there’re always
multiple contributors. For instance, an employee who takes
bribes from a supplier is clearly at fault. But firing the person
won’t address other contributing factors like the hiring
process, lack of internal checks and balances, cultural norms
etc.
Shifting away from the Blame-game

 Contribution is about diagnosing how various parties and
factors contributed to an outcome. It helps us to uncover what
really happened and how to improve the situation. For
example, there’re always many contributing factors when a
spouse cheats. Without understanding those factors, you
can’t improve the relationship. Remember:
 The goal is to seek understanding, not assign blame.
 We’re often more interested to have our feelings
acknowledged, i.e. to hear the other person say “I’m sorry I
hurt you” rather than “It was my fault”.
 Don’t blame the victim. Just because someone contributed to
their own problem doesn’t mean they’re to blame. If you were
mugged in a dark alley late at night, you’d have contributed to
the situation but you aren’t to blame for it.
Shifting away from the Blame-game

Consider 4 ways you may have contributed to a problem:
 Avoiding the problem till now .
 Being unapproachable .
 Shutting down a discussion when things get heated up.
 Imposing your implicit role assumptions on others .
Use 2 approaches to identify your own contribution:
 Role reversal: put yourself in the other person’s shoes .
 Look at the situation as a neutral third party .
Abandon Blame -Map out the Contribution System

Feelings are often at the heart of difficult conversations. They
influence our thoughts and actions. Avoiding them will only lead
to more hurt and misunderstanding.
 In difficult conversations, we often try to hide our feelings and
stay rational, e.g. you may pretend to have a professional
discussion with your boss about the new team structure
when you’re silently upset that he promoted your colleague
over you. Bottling up your feelings will only backfire.
 Your feelings will leak out in your tone of voice or body
language. Or, they may explode in destructive or
embarrassing ways.
 Unexpressed feelings distract us from fully listening or
expressing ourselves. They can lead to a loss of confidence
in the long run.
The Feelings Conversation

Use these 3 guidelines to constructively express your feelings.
 Sort out what you really feel. Our feelings come in complex bundles
and we may not be aware of (or willing to face) some of them.
 Examine your emotional footprint. All of us are more comfortable
with some feelings than others. The pattern may differ for different
relationships. Reflect on the feelings you find hard to express, and
why. Remember: it’s normal to have feelings. Your feelings don’t
define who you are, e.g. “bad” feelings like anger or jealousy don’t
make you a bad person. Don’t hide your feelings—they’re just as
important as others’ and hiding them will only weaken (not protect)
your relationships.
 Dissect singular feelings to uncover your full bundle of feelings.
You may think you’re angry at your child for lying, when you’re
actually also feeling disappointed, guilty, unsure and sad. By
recognizing the full spectrum of feelings, you can gain insights about
the situation or relationship, and express yourself fully.
Handling Feelings in Difficult Conversation

 Your thoughts affect your feelings. When you change your
perceptions, your feelings will change too.
 Re-examine your story and theirs, question your assumptions and
consider the wider contribution system. This should lessen your
antagonistic feelings toward the other person.
 Make it a point to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, e.g. “I
didn’t realize you felt that way”. Don’t gloss over it to focus on the
problem, or try to “fix” the feelings
 Share your feelings, not your assumptions about the other
person.
 We often confuse our feelings (e.g. insecurity) with judgments
(“you should’ve been there for me”), attributions (“you betrayed
me”), problem-solving (“it’d have worked if you did this”) and
characterizations (“you’re so selfish”). When you feel the urge to
blame someone, it signals that there are important emotions driving
you.
Negotiate Your Emotions

Describe your emotions without being emotional. Link the
feelings back to the problem. Express your full range of feelings,
e.g. you’re angry but also appreciative and worried. Begin with
the words “I feel...” to focus on expressing your feelings without
judgment, blame or attribution.

 During difficult conversations, we’re constantly asking ourselves, “what does
this say about me?” We seek to protect our sense of self. For example, a pay-
raise discussion isn’t just about the money; it’s really about your self-worth
and self-image.
 When someone says something that raises questions about our identity, we
get thrown off-balance, making it hard to think clearly or communicate
effectively.
 Difficult conversations bring up 3 key identity issues:
 Am I competent?
 Am I a good person?
 Am I worthy of love?
 We tend to adopt an “all-or-nothing” approach, e.g. you’re good or bad,
generous or greedy, competent or useless.
This leads us to respond in 2 extreme ways:
 We deny the feedback to protect our sense of self (e.g. “he’s criticizing my
work because he doesn’t understand it”); or
 We exaggerate the feedback and change our self-image (e.g. “he’s right...I’m
totally useless”).
Identity Conversations

 In a difficult conversation, you’ll inevitably hear unpleasant things
about yourself. It helps to anchor your identity in advance:
 Know the identity issues that matter most to you. Look for recurring
patterns when you feel off-balance in difficult conversations. Do
you respond most strongly when certain aspects of your identity
are threatened?
 Use the “And Stance” to acknowledge your complex identity. For
example, you can be loyal and leave your job for a better career
opportunity. Accept that you will inevitably
 Make mistakes,
 Have a mix of good and not-so-good intentions, and
 Have contributed to the problem in some way

Remember these 4 tips:
 Don’t try to control others’ responses. Even if you want to avoid
upsetting the other party, you really can’t control their feelings.
Trying to do so will only backfire. Use the “And stance”: enter the
conversation with the goal of addressing an issue and expressing
your feelings and giving them the space to feel what they feel.
 Prepare for possible responses. Imagine how the conversation
may play out, what you may learn, how the other person may
respond, and the possible identity issues it may trigger.
 Project into the future (say, 30 years from now). What advice would
your future self give about your current situation?
 If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a break to regain your balance.
It’s ok to say “I’m really surprised by what you’ve just shared. I’d
like some time to think about it.” If the issue is relevant to both
sides, lay out explicitly, e.g. “I get the sense that this all boils down
to whether I’m being a good boss. Is this how you feel as well?”

Create a Learning Conversation

Now that you understand the challenges
associated with the 3 conversations, here are the
steps for preparing for and navigating a difficult
conversation.

Prepare by considering the 3 Conversations
Take time out to walk through the 3 conversations.
 Unravel what happened by considering: (i) your respective stories and where they
came from, (ii) the impact and possible intentions on both sides, (iii) how each of
you (and other third parties) contributed to the problem.
 Understand your feelings: explore your emotional footprint and examine your
complex spectrum/bundle of emotions.
 Anchor your identity: clarify what aspects of your identity are threatened and how
you can be more grounded.

Know Your Purpose –Decide if you should raise the issue
 Get clear on your purpose for initiating a conversation, and what
you hope to achieve from it.
 You should start a conversation to gain mutual understanding. Adopt
a learning stance with 3 purposes in mind:
 Understand their story (perceptions, feelings, constraints)
 Express your emotions and viewpoints
 Find ways to jointly solve the problem or move forward.
Do not start a conversation if:
 The real conflict is within you rather than between you and the other
person.
 There are better ways to resolve the issue, e.g. by changing your
own contribution.
 Your purpose isn’t a good one. This includes (a) trying to change the
other person, (b) using the conversation to vent or get emotional
release, or (c) doing a hit-and-run. If you’re going to talk, then plan in
advance and do it properly; otherwise, don’t do it at all.

Know Your Purpose –Decide if you should raise the issue
 Sometimes despite your best efforts, the best approach is to
simply let go.
 Help yourself to get over it with 4 liberating assumptions:
 You’re responsible for doing your best, not to make things
better.
 The other person has limitations and imperfections too.
 The conflict doesn’t define who you are.
 You can let go and still care for the other person.

Start from the 3rd Story
 Begin with the Third Story, i.e. what a neutral third-party (e.g. a
mutual friend or a marriage counselor) may observe.
 Do not start from your own story (i.e. describe the problem from
your perspective) or trigger identity issues by implying things about
them or their character.
 Do think like a mediator: see/describe the problem in a way that’s
simultaneously true for both sides.
 Your views are simply different (not better or worse). Both sides can
hear each other out without giving up your own views. Even if you
still disagree, you’ll have a better mutual understanding and a higher
chance of finding a viable way forward.
 Describe the gap in your stories objectively without judgment, e.g.
“We seem to have different views about project management. You
prefer to manage the details personally while I prefer to delegate the
details to other team members.”
 Even if the other party initiates the conversation, you can still steer it
toward the Third Story.

Share your purpose & extend your invitation
 Explain your aim of mutual understanding and problem
solving, then invite them to partner with you to figure things
out.
 You can say something like: “I sense that we each see the
situation differently. I’d like to share my perspective and to
learn more about yours.” Use phrases like “Can you help me
to understand....” or “Let’s work out how we can...”
 Be persistent to show you have both parties’ interests at heart,
but don’t force them to engage. You can even share your
internal conflict, e.g. “In my own story, I assume that you’re
being selfish, but that seems unfair and I’m hoping you can
help me get a better perspective.”

Explore Their Story & Yours
Take turns to explore the 3 conversations from your respective
viewpoints. Specifically:
 Explore the source of your story (e.g. “My reactions probably
stemmed from a similar incident with my previous boss....”).
 Share the impact on you (e.g. “I felt really uneasy when....”).
 Take responsibility for your contribution (e.g. “I suspect I made
things worse when I...”).
 Describe your feelings (e.g. “It was really hard for me to bring this
up, but I felt that we should talk about it....”)
 Examine identity issues (e.g. “I probably feel so strongly about
this because I’ve always considered myself to be...”)

Listen from Inside Out
 When you truly listen to the other person, (i) it helps you to understand
them, and (ii) once they feel heard/understood, it helps them to listen to
you.
 Manage your inner voice. Be aware of the things you’re thinking but not
saying (e.g. “That’s unfair”, “How dare you say this”). Acknowledge that
voice, then remind yourself to stay curious since you don’t know as
much as you think you do. If you can’t quieten the inner voice, then talk
about it, e.g. “I really want to hear what you have to say, but I’m feeling
a bit defensive at the moment and it’s affecting my ability to listen fully.”
Use inquiry for learning. Don’t use questions
 To make a statement (e.g. “Must you drive so fast?”) or
 Poke holes at their argument (e.g. “If you did your best, then why
did Tom resolve the issue so quickly once he took over?”).
 Do ask open-ended questions (e.g. “What did you have in mind?”),
 Ask for concrete info (e.g. “Can you share an example?”), and
 Ask questions about the 3 conversations (e.g. their assumptions,
feelings, and how your actions impacted them).

Listen from Inside Out
 Use paraphrasing for clarity. Paraphrase what they said to
ensure you’ve understood them, and to show you’ve heard
them.
 Listen out for their feelings and acknowledge them. When
people express their feelings, they’re really asking: “Do you
understand how I feel? Do you care?” Always acknowledge
feelings before you move into problem-solving.

Express Yourself ,Clearly & Powerfully
 This requires that you have a clear purpose and know you’re
sharing something worthwhile.
 Know that you’re entitled to express yourself but your
entitlement is no more or less than the other person.
 Don’t beat around the bush or make them guess what you
mean. Use the “Me-Me And” approach to get to the heart of
the matter, e.g. “I think you’re really capable, and I think you’re
not putting enough effort into this project.”
 Separate fact from opinion. Preface your opinions with
phrases like “it’s my belief that…” or “my opinion is…” Share
where your views or opinions came from.
 Don’t exaggerate with words like “always” and “never”.
 Ask them to paraphrase back.
 Explicitly ask them if/how they see things differently

 If the other person keeps focusing on blame and who’s right, try
these approaches to bring things back on-track:
 Use reframing to translate destructive statements to constructive
ones. For instance, if they insist “It’s all your fault!”, you can
reframe it as “I’m sure I’ve contributed to the problem. Perhaps
we both have. Instead of focusing on whose fault it is, can we try
to figure out how we got here, so we can work out a way
forward?”
 Even if the person is being difficult, it always helps to listen first.
Listen intently and ask questions to understand how he/she sees
the issue. Once people feel heard, they no longer feel the need to
repeat themselves and can start listening to what you have to
say. It also helps you to share your views in ways they can relate
to.

 If, after reframing and listening, the other party still
monopolizes the conversation, attacks and interrupts you,
you can name the dynamic explicitly to clear the air.
 You may say something like: “I’ve tried to share my views 4x
times now.
 Each time you cut me off in mid-sentence. I’m not sure if it
was intentional, but it’s really frustrating for me. I’d like to
hear your perspective and I’d also like to finish what I’m
saying.”

 Now that you have a mutual understanding, you’re ready to move into
problem solving. You can find a mutually-acceptable solution even if
you don’t fully agree with each other.
 Opposing views often come from a clash of assumptions. If you can
identify those assumptions (e.g. “The kids won’t be safe alone at
home”), you can propose to test your hypotheses.
 Explain the parts of their story that don’t make sense to you (instead of
presenting the gap using your own story).
 Share how you can be persuaded, and ask if there’s anything that can
persuade them.
 Ask for their advice.
 Be prepared to brainstorm creative solutions and invent options.
Rather than squabble over whose approach to take, consider if
there’re certain standards/principles you can apply.
 If you still can’t reach agreement, decide if it’s better to accept less
than what you want, or accept the consequences of a disagreement.
Take the Lead in Problem Solving

 As you develop these skills, don’t expect other people to respond
to a situation the way you would.
 Leading the conversation is up to you. Try reframing the
discussion in various ways until you find a method that allows the
other person to hear and participate. Use your listening skills
early and often, and don’t give up.
 Sometimes reframing and listening aren't enough. So try to work
on clearing the air by naming the problem that is keeping you
from communicating.
 This can become a distracting side discussion, but it may be
useful if the central conversation has stalled. Once you are
having an actual on-topic conversation, even if you can’t agree,
you can work together to solve problems, discuss options and
propose alternatives. Just don’t rush things or demand a quick
solution. You're pursuing a good outcome, not trying to win a
race.
Everything Works Together

5-Steps- Difficult Conversations to Learning Conversations

 If you understand the subconversations that exist within a difficult
conversation, you will be able to manage the issues more effectively.
 Never assume that you understand someone else’s motives.
 Instead of trying to assign blame, consider how harnessing the
associated anger will help you prevent a bad outcome in future.
 Learn to see the “third story,” the impartial account, rather than
fighting over whose story is true.
 Venting your feelings is not useful. Describing them carefully can be.
 Don’t try to control other people’s responses.
 You aren’t perfect and neither is anyone else.
 The best way to get someone to listen to you is to listen to them first.
 Reframing a difficult conversation is a great way to defuse it.
 Pick your difficult conversations carefully. You won’t live long enough
to have them all.
Key Take away…

Mail your comments to ramaddster@gmail.com

Difficult Conversation

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