How to handle or Managing_difficult conversations_SumitMehta
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The document discusses strategies for having difficult conversations. It begins by defining a difficult conversation as one where there are differing opinions, strong feelings and high stakes. It notes that in difficult conversations, there is often no safety, emotions define it, there is no listening or dialogue, and both sides aim to "win" by making the other "lose." The document then provides tips for preparing for a difficult conversation, such as understanding your purpose and assumptions. It outlines a 4-step process for a successful outcome: inquiry, acknowledgment, advocacy, and problem-solving. Additionally, it offers suggestions on how to begin the conversation and provides example openers. Finally, it discusses Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy and how to identify and
How to handle or Managing_difficult conversations_SumitMehta
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- 3. A difficult conversation A difficult conversation is a situation in which at least two parties are engaged, where (a) there are different opinions, perception, and need/wants (b) Feelings and emotions run strong, and (c) The consequences or stakes for us are significant Prepared By Sumit Mehta 3
- 4. A difficult conversation Anything we don’t want to talk about Usually we worry what will happen if we do talk about it If we do talk about it, we usually think and feel a lot more than what we actually say. Prepared By Sumit Mehta 4
- 5. A difficult conversation No safety ( no one able or willing to tell the truth) Emotions define the conversation No listening , No dialogue Both going for a “Win” (forcing the other to “Loose”) Each side playing a role : victim, villain, helpless martyr , etc. Prepared By Sumit Mehta 5
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- 8. Working on Yourself: How To Prepare for the Conversation What is your purpose for having the conversation? What do you hope to accomplish? What would be an ideal outcome? What assumptions you have about the other person’s intentions? How is your attitude toward the conversation influencing your perception of it? Prepared By Sumit Mehta 8
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- 11. 4 Steps to a Successful Outcome The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself you’ll need to stay in charge of yourself Your power lies in your purpose i.e. emotional energy, breathe, remain center, and continue to notice when you become off center–and choose to return again. Lets talk about the 4 steps to be taken for a successful outcome---- Prepared By Sumit Mehta 11
- 12. Step #1: Inquiry Cultivate an attitude of discovery and curiosity Try to learn as much as possible about your opponent/partner and his point of view. Let your partner talk until he is finished. Don’t interrupt except to acknowledge. Whatever you hear, don’t take it personally. It’s not really about you. Try to learn as much as you can in this phase of the conversation. You’ll get your turn, but don’t rush things Prepared By Sumit Mehta 12
- 13. Step #2: Acknowledgment Acknowledgment means showing that you’ve heard and understood Acknowledgment can be difficult if we associate it with agreement. Keep them separate. My saying, “this sounds really important to you,” doesn’t mean I’m going to go along with your decision. Prepared By Sumit Mehta 13
- 14. Step #3: Advocacy When you sense your opponent/partner has expressed all his energy on the topic, it’s your turn. Help clarify your position without minimizing his. For example: “I can see how you came to the conclusion that I’m not a team player. And I think I am. When I introduce problems with a project, I’m thinking about its long-term success. I don’t mean to be a critic, though perhaps I sound like one. Maybe we can talk about how to address these issues so that my intention is clear.” Prepared By Sumit Mehta 14
- 15. Step #4: Problem-Solving Whatever he says, find something you like and build on it. If the conversation becomes adversarial, go back to inquiry approach (Step 1) Asking for the other’s point of view usually creates safety and encourages him to engage. If you’ve been successful in centering, adjusting your attitude, engaging with inquiry and useful purpose, building sustainable solutions will be easy. Prepared By Sumit Mehta 15
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- 17. Here are some additional tips and suggestions: A successful outcome will depend on two things: how you are and what you say. How you are (cantered, supportive, curious, problem-solving) will greatly influence what you say. Acknowledge emotional energy–yours and your partner's–and direct it toward a useful purpose. Know and return to your purpose at difficult moments. Don’t take verbal attacks personally. Help your opponent/partner come back to center. Don’t assume your opponent/partner can see things from your point of view. Practice the conversation with a friend before holding the real one. Mentally practice the conversation. See various possibilities and visualize yourself handling them with ease. Envision the outcome you are hoping for. Prepared By Sumit Mehta 17
- 18. How Do I Begin? Prepared By Sumit Mehta 18
- 19. Here are a few conversation openers I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively. I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view. I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk? I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)? If the person says, “Sure, let me get back to you,” follow up with him. I think we have different perceptions about _____________________. I’d like to hear your thinking on this. I’d like to talk about ___________________. I think we may have different ideas about how to _____________________. I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well. Prepared By Sumit Mehta 19
- 20. 6 tips -difficult conversations Acknowledge that there will be difference how you and others see things We all have to get on with a wide range of people at work – colleagues, customers, suppliers – you won’t like them all When possible let others know how you feel in a direct and non-threatening way Create a basis for looking collaboratively not combatively at what you are choosing to be concerned about Talk about the impact the situation has had on you Look people in the eye – let the facts talk and not your judgement of what happened Ask how the situation has affected them Many hurts are not intended – we all have gaps between what we say and what we do – listen more than you talk Acknowledge your contribution to the situation Someone who does not agree with you may not be wrong Invite the other person to work with you to make things better What would help us to avoid doing this again Prepared By Sumit Mehta 20
- 21. Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy- Dr. Albert Ellis Prepared By Sumit Mehta 21
- 23. Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy- Dr. Albert Ellis REBT distinguishes clearly between two very different types of difficulties: - Practical and Emotional problems. Your flawed behaviour, unfair treatment by others, and undesirable situations, represent practical problems. Regrettably, your human tendency is to upset yourself about these practical problems, thereby unnecessarily creating a second order of problems-- emotional suffering. Prepared By Sumit Mehta 23
- 24. REBT is based on a few simple principles having profound implications: You are responsible for your own emotions and actions, Your harmful emotions and dysfunctional behaviours are the product of your irrational thinking, You can learn more realistic views and, with practice, make them a part of you You'll experience a deeper acceptance of yourself and greater satisfactions in life by developing a reality-based perspective. Prepared By Sumit Mehta 24
- 25. Culprit 3 core “Musts” "Must" #1 (a demand on yourself): "I MUST do well and get approval, or else I'm worthless." This demand causes anxiety, depression, and lack of assertiveness. "Must" #2 (a demand on others): "You MUST treat me reasonably, considerately, and lovingly, or else you're no good." This "must" leads to resentment, hostility, and violence. "Must" #3 (a demand on situations): "Life MUST be fair, easy, and hassle-free, or else it's awful." This thinking is associated with hopelessness, procrastination, and addictions. Identify your "musts." Once you admit that you distort your own emotions and actions, then determine precisely how. The culprit usually lies in one of the three core "musts:" Prepared By Sumit Mehta 25
- 26. Reinforce your preferences Preference #1: "I strongly PREFER to do well and get approval, but even if I fail, I will accept myself fully," Preference #2: "I strongly PREFER that you treat me reasonably, kindly, and lovingly, but since I don't run the universe, and it's a part of your human nature to err, I, then, cannot control you," Preference #3: "I strongly PREFER that life be fair, easy, and hassle-free, and it's very frustrating that it isn't, but I can bear frustration and still considerably enjoy life." Prepared By Sumit Mehta 26
- 27. Thank you Prepared By Sumit Mehta 27